Home without a mother

Life without a mother at home on Sunday is too empty I must say but I am enjoying every single chance that I have with my sissy and father. When mom died a year ago, things had been change and it’s never been easy. As an elder daughter, I have to stand, be firmed and remain strong for the family. I am not married as well as my sissy. We took care of my father who is just 54 years old, young to be a widower.

When mom died, it’s the turning point of my life. I saw myself became stronger than I was, I remained calm in every situation that comes in, and I stand in every way. Partly I am now making decisions too and I am seeing my worth in that matter. There are a lot of things we need to balance actually in our life, we have to maintain smooth relationship to our family, friends and co-workers in order to function very well. I can say that I am working on that slowly everyday.

Time is too consuming to me now, I have a great life I can say, I learned to balance everything I want to happen in my life, my work, my school, my family and friends, I can still go to the gym to cut some fats and I see some improvement on that. Discipline is the keyword.

I can say that I have grown up so fast after mom died and i ponder that a lot. I am not my mother but as she always told me before that “you can never be like me but you can be more than me and you can do more than what I have done” and everything she said is becoming my reality now. Mother’s knows best that’s my conclusion and realization. One day when I myself turn into be a mother also, probably 80 percent of me I will get it from my mother, after all my mother brought me up to this world and nurtured me and became the person whom she want me to be. 

Recharge, Reborn, Rebuild Life

Weekend has been busy, i tried to learn the word “determination” and “motivation” in losing my weight! (lels!! Hahaha) seriously, I woke up so early to take a jog (Saturday) and a long walk by 5am (Sunday) and my jogging buddy suggested that I should enrol myself to the gym where she used to go, so right after we had a jog last Saturday TADAAHH!! we went to the gym and apply for a losing program. This time I need to work on things because sayang yong pera na pinambayad!! Hahaha ok so here is my plan now, hoping to be consistent in what I do and will not stop doing things I started.

One major reasons to lose weight is yong goiter ko, hindi pa naman halata pero it’s already there (it runs in the family genes) so for whatever operation in the future at least my body is ready for that, second is practicum will be coming so soon, a year from now so I need to fix myself because of the uniforms and I will be working on the field so I should be physically fit and lastly for some personal reasons also. (akin nalang yon muna? Hehehehe)

I am happy of what I am doing now kasi it helps me to be so busy in my life, pretending not to have problems, trying not to think about it because I don’t need to be so depressed on some matters. Classes starts next week the same so definitely I will learn to adapt “multi-tasking” job in my daily routing. Waking up early to prepare for work, after work I will be going to school and drop myself to the gym even for an hour, well I hope things will work out the way I think now.

I won’t lose this chance of losing and gaining something in my life, it’s I think about I need a change of routine, a change of points of view. Life has been tough to me in the past years and I want to see life differently so I am starting to rebuild myself, I will try burn what I had in the past and learn to live what has been given to me presently, future will come soon as long as I will complete what I want in my life now, everything will follow anyways. =) 

Taking step forward

I woke up half-hearted. I couldn’t explain the exact reason why, I just felt that my heart now is heavy probably there’s one person I want to comfort me, the smile would mean a lot. Choosing the life I have now will change my life forever and my future either. I know this is all I want, my dreams to be pursued. I wanted to finish the race I have promised to my late mom and I am keeping it for now. I am happy with the life I had but still it feels like there’s still missing but maybe this is just a temporary feeling until everything is over and gone. What’s keeping me busy now is my job, my studies and my dreams as well. There’s a lot to sacrifice in life and I want to feel every moment I am learning those discoveries i encounter as I walk in my journey. 

For now I know I made a right decision of pursuing what I really want in life. I still love my mom even if she already passed away, having this dreams I am doing now is one proof that my love will never stop and I am going to finish her race the same. When she died, it was my turning point and I am starting to change my life, the life I used to have and I learn to dream more than what I know I can. I know this feeling will pass through it’s time but now I just couldn’t help it and I am trying to keep myself busy chattering on social network, connecting old friends and learning to break the wall inside me. I wanted to cry to release everything I have in my heart now but i want to do it in a place where all I can see is all color green, the trees and bushes, I even wanted to run after the cows, chicken and experience for a while to roam around in a flower field, I think that will help me lift my spirit back.

Life has to move forward every day and we need not to stop just because we are confused, stressed out, hurt and frustrated, this is hard I know when I felt like the world is on me, the pain can’t get out in my heart and a lot of thoughts in my brain. It’s over I know and life has to start again. 

churbabels eklavuh

Hindi ko pa magawang gumala ng gumala sa mga blog ninyo pero once na makabawi ako asahang magkakalat na naman ako. Approaching na kasi ang midterm at patayan na sa mga requirements at may agency visit pa kami sa mga institution ng mga mentally ill at sa mga drug rehabilitation. Echos!! Student na student lang ako ngayon!! I will take my leave sa January 31 kasi yan ang araw ng visit2x namin. Gustohin ko mang magkwento at magbiro about sa kanila pero dahil ang sabi sa amin ang isang tao may worth at dignity kaya rerespetohin ko muna yan sa pagkakataong ito!! Hahaha

Hindi ko pa rin mapigilan ang pagbasa ng mga updates sa mga blog niyo kasi parang ito na ang nagbibigay lakas sa akin ngayon para magblog pa ng magblog at kayo ang naging inspirasyon ko kung bakit araw2x ginugusto kong magupdate as much as possible!! CHARS!! Hahaha natutuwa ako kapag nagbebeep ang aking  yahoo messenger na may mail na dumating galing sa blogspot na nagsasabing may nagcomment sa post ko. Echos!!

Natutuwa ako sa mga top commenters ko na kahit hindi mahaba angsinasabi basta lang makapagcomment at Makita lang na chumichikmakz siya sa kahit saang blog, ayos pa rin kasi dahil dyan mas lalo kitang nakilala at natutuwa ako lalo for reading more about your updates!! Chee!! Hahaha

Ito panalo na naman ako dahil sa inyo, salamat sa mga nagcomment ng walang sawang nakikiemphatize sa blog ko. Lol ito nageffort ako!! haha

Nubadi (nobody is perfect)

Blakrabit (Follow the dark rabbit)

Kuya Rencee (Making a difference at Soltero)

Empi (Kol me Empi)

Jay (Jay Rulez)

Talinggaw (I am Talinggaw)

Eoz (BlogEoz)

Kiks (kiks 2.0)

Kim (The Story Teller)

CNA (CNA Training Online)

Leah (I am super Leah)

Ile (A hint of Sunlight)

KM (More than sexy)

Arvin (Written Feelings)

as of 8:52 am - di pa ako tapos, madami pa to. i need to go muna kasi may appointment ako for interview ngayon sa medical social services ng NMMC kaya later tapusin ko muna. magpakabayani muna ako! hahaha maya2x.

PART 2 - starting time 8:44am January 27, 2012


hindi ko natapos kagabi ang blog kasi dumaldal lang ako and hindi ako tinamaan ng sipag din. so ito ngayon pilitin kong taposin kasi mag-aral pa ako maya2x at gagawa pa ako ng certificate para sa January 31 na agency visit namin.


so to continue my effort para magthank you sa mga naunang nagcomment ito na sila chan-daran-dan...


jhengpot (Heaven Knows)

kiko (Kaepalan ni kiko)

will (MelikesArt)
akoni (Akoni landi ya)
aliz (Aliz Travel Zone)
stef (life and fever)
rh0ze (My kawaii blog)
yellow bells (My yellow bells)
zelmarq (My indulgence)
Ane (life according to me)
Midnight Driver (MidnightDriver)
Pulps (A dose of orange)

jaid (The super girl wanna be)

Jocy (jocy's world)
Sey (14th Street)
Zai (Zai Moonchild)

Albert (how to become einstein)
gord (crumpled papel)
Mayen (clicks and cuts)

Maricel (CareerMomOnline)
Myke (Show me your look today and The pinoy wanderer)
Menchie Anne (Smoochy Blue)
Sendo (Senderero)
Lili (Thinking out Loud)
Shenanigans (This is who i am)
haze (Moon Lore)
T.R.Aurelius (Theo's Casanova)
Lizzie (Pink and Convergence Zone)
Irish (d' explorer)
Virgo (The adventures of a virgo guy)
Nikka (Econnoisseur fashion)


natapos ng 9:49 am, hahaha halos 1 hour ang second batch, dumaldal pa kasi ako, i am informing everyone for plugging. salamat sa inyong mga comment at magkikita kita pa rin tayo dahil hindi pa natatapos ang kwento ko dito, marami pang darating! 

Hindi forever tanga ang isang tao

Para akong tanga while listening to my deviance class kasi sa totoo lang hindi naman natin malalaman na deviant na tayo if mismong word na yan hindi nag-eexists sa daily life natin. Shet! Haha yon ang stand ko lagi to myself that since now ko lang nalaman ang term ng deviant or deviance (meaning nito eh beyond norms, beyond normal na action sa isang tao) nakikita ko na ang pagiging deviant ko! Potah! Hahaha this is where I learned to accept my whole being (may genun talaga) kasi sa totoo lang in denial kasi ako sa lahat ng nararamdaman ko kahit sobrang hurt na aki!! Kebs pa rin!! Pero  malambot pa ako sa mammon pag di na keri!! Haha

Ito na ang kwento ko at ikarir kong ichismis ang buhay ko sa inyo. Sinabi ko sa last post ko na dumaan ako sa isang depression na hindi ko alam depression na pala yon! Hahaha shet talaga!! Kahapon sa klase ko yon ang pinagusapan at pinag-aralan, ako keep quiet lang kasi tinatamaan ako sa pinagsasabi ng teacher ko about sa depression, kebs lang muna ako, gusto kong tumawa man sa sarili ko kasi wala akong kamalay malay na ang pinagdaanan ko eh sobrang depression na pala yon noon. Good thing because I learned it, I just laughed about it now and I accepted it.

I got depressed kasi I stopped schooling noon for 1 semester and I feel like nadisappoint ko ang parents ko. Hindi naman ako nalulong sa druga no, hindi rin naman sa love life pero yong hiya sa sarili, sa ibang tao at sa pamilya. Wala lang akong gana magaral noon kasi madaming problema na dumating, hindi ko kinaya paano ko harapin, mahina ang loob ko at wala akong laban kahit gusto ko mang lumaban parang helpless na helpless ako. Normal lang nagagalit ang magulang pero sa mga pagkakataong yon hindi ko alam bakit ganon ang naging reaction ko, sa sobrang hiya ko nagkulong ako sa kwarto.

At ito ang naging routine ko sa araw2x na yon.

Sa umaga late akong gumising, I am waiting for my parents to leave for office and my sister to go to school. buong umaga nasa kwarto lang ako, sa hapon nasa garahe lang ako at nagiisip at nakatingin sa langit, wala akong kausap, hindi ako nakikipagusap sa kahit sino, wala akong outlet. Feeling ko wala na akong kinabukasan at wala na akong silbi. Pagdating ng 5pm pasok na naman ako ulit sa kwarto kasi parating na sila galing work, hindi ako kakain buong gabi, kinaumagahan na ako kakain pag wala na naman sila. Yong kwarto ko ayoko ng ilaw, gusto ko madilim lang.

Ngayon ko lang narealize na na-depressed na pala ako noon kasi halos 2 months yon na ganon ang naging buhay ko, wala akong kausap at wala akong mapuntahan, hindi pa uso ang blogging noon kaya hindi ko naisip iladlad ang sarili ko dito. Lels. Natatawa ako ngayon nalang kasi nalagpasan ko ang stage na yon at nagawa kong ibangon ulit ang sarili ko kahit until now alam kong may sayad pa rin ang utak ko paminsan minsan, keri nalang!!

Salamat sa social work na kors dahil sayo naging tao na ako!! Hahaha nakakapagfunction na ako ng mabuti sa ibang tao at para sa sarili ko!! Haha debaterya!!

Age is not unlimited like globe telecom

There is a mixed emotion that I myself don’t even understand what the hell is going on with me and my current emotions. I feel so empty. I think that’s the right word. I tried to search and find myself. I keep on pretending that I am okay, na kaya ko ang lahat even my heart bleeds. i have my friends with me na nakakasabay kong tumawa pero after ng tawa biglang wala na naman, I feel empty pa rin.

Maybe dumating na sa point ng life ko that i am ready to re-open my heart again, ready ako pero I am not even sure enough kung kaya ko ba. I know I have my dreams now, I am working with my dreams and even that I found that fulfillment parang may kulang pa rin. I am trying to search what I really want now, I keep on reading, talking  pero there’s still kulang in between.

 

I believed that we don’t need to search for the person we want to love for, it will just come on the time the least we expect to an unexpected place. How long I will have to wait for him. Parang ang bilis ng panahon ngayon, sa dami ng ginagawa natin sa buhay araw2x mas lalong mabilis ang oras lumiit din ang mundo. I felt that hindi na tayo aabot sa 70^th birthday natin para makapagblog ng makapagblog, unlimited nato pero ang buhay natin hindi naman kasing unlimited ng globe or smart. Lol

 

Midlife sickness or crisis ata tong naramdaman ko ngayon!! Hahaha punyetahs!!! hahaha

Behind resurgence blog

I have been blogging kung ano2x lately but I forgot to tell something kung ano nga ba ang ibig sabihin  ng resurgence, this means revival. Revival kasi  I could say now na I am ready to open everything what’s on my mind without any  hesitation or limitation, before I always have this apprehension of sharing my life because I am afraid to be judged or hindi ko lang talaga type magkwento ng kung ano2x sa buhay ko. Ngayon dahil mas naging makapal ang mukha ko kaya ikarir ko nato!! Lol

Resurgence kasi ito na ang bago kong buhay, I could say now that I have a new life in blogging, I have tried a lot of times noon magblog pero dahil feeling ko wala akong makwento kaya hindi natutuloy ang karir ko sa blog plus the fact that I am conscious with what I am going to tell the world but now wala ng conscious2x na yan, kung baga bahala na si superman sa akin ngayon!!

 

I have changed a lot I know, I always tell that to my closest friends that the person you knew in me before is not the person anymore now. Mas naging open minded ako when I started to study social work, it has a great influence in my life dahil ito ako ngayon nagsusulat, nagbblog, may lakas ng loob magsabi kung ano ang nangyayari sa buhay ko whereas noon as much as possible I want it everything in private, ngayon LADLARAN nato!! Hahaha open arms and open legs na kung baga!! Hahaha yes hello!! Go!! 

Tatlong araw na nawala ako

It has been a long weekend for me, I took the 9 hours class last Saturday and my brain starts to deplete. It’s good that after class I joined my friends to unwind and went home by 1 in the morning I think. The whole Sunday, TULOG ako!! Hahaha yesterday was draining the same. I took my two major exam and the fuck!!! Dugong dugo yong utak ko!!

Bago ako nagtake ng exam kumain pa ako sa chowking at guess what nag-halo2x ulit ako, ng matapos ang exam ko punyets! Sa sobrang pagod ng utak ko nawala ang kinain kong worth 150php hahaha and I went to Jollibee to order one chicken burger with extra large fries and large pineapple, at kinarir kong kainin magisa yon!! Hahaha nawawala ang diet ko puteks!! Hahaha

I went home na sobrang pagod na pagod pa rin ako so I decided to sleep early. Today, I feel so fresh parang bagong bago na naman ang araw ko  ngayon. Mahirap talaga abotin ang isang pangarap ano pero once it’s already there, I know it’s all worth the wait din naman! 

Friday the 13th confusion

Today is the first Friday the 13^th of the year. People come to believe that pag Friday the 13^th may masamang mangyayari. Sa awa ni lord ngayon araw nato wala naman, safe naman akong nakauwi ng bahay except for the fact siguro with my exam results ng prelim, parang isang malaking question mark yong nakuha kong score, super tricky yong questions at na-over analyze ko yong questions kaya naging mali tuloy. ECHOS noh?! I defended myself pa talaga eh simply lang naman yon talagang hindi umabot utak ko sa utak ng teacher ko!! Punyets!! Masyadong bright child lang talaga si MAM!! Or sadyang wala talagang laman utak ko while taking the exam!! yon!! No excuses!! Hahaha

I didn’t do anything after class kundi bili ng pagkain dito at doon. Kung ano2x lang maisipan kong bilhin, meron akong biniling popcorn na may peanut sa goldilocks, kumain ako ng halo2x sa chowking, sumegway pa akong bumili ng bread and sandwich spread para sa agahan ko bukas kasi 9 am to 7 pm yong klase ko kaya kailangan ko ng madaming malamon kundi ako ang lalamonin ng utak ko!! Hahaha

Parang kailangan ko ata munang matulog ng maaga ngayon kasi gigising pa ako ng maaga bukas para mag-aral!! (seryoso nato!! Haha) kailangan kong ikarir ang gusto kong future kaya sasagarin ko na!! pagkatapos ng klase malamang tambay ako sa mga blog niyo at makikigulo!! Hehehe gustohin ko mang mag-ikot ngayon kaso malamig ang panahon at masarap ng itulog. Nakakatakot din minsan ang lamig ng ulan kasi baka maulit na naman ang sendong. Spell the word TRAUMA!! At dahil sa sendong na yan, mas lalong madaming trabaho ngayon sa pag-aaral at sa buhay trabaho ko!!

At nawala na ako sa topic kong Friday the 13^th hahaha kahit ako nagugulohan kung ano ba ang post kong to!! Hahaha lagi nalang akong confused sa lahat ng bagay ngayon!! Punyetiks!! hehehe

Itulog ko muna ang taba ko!! Bukas magbuburn ako ng fats ulit!!! Hahaha

Maitim + white balak = Gray na balak

I was supposed to write an entry last night but since sobrang BADTRIP ako kahapon kaya I slept early nalang. I have been thinking to burst it out what I felt yesterday but I chose not to nalang because I might say words that is not appropriate at mas lalong maging masama ang tingin ng ibang tao sa akin. KEBS ko nalang!!!

This time I have come to many realizations in life that sometimes you just have to go on to your own battle alone, decide without asking other’s opinion and kill them silently!!! Hahaha I’ve come to think that the battle and competition in life is always there beside us, we just tend to ignore it because we uphold our values and traditions yet there are just some people doesn’t care what we feel. So ngayon, ito lang ang masasabi ko, HUMANDA kayo!!! I have been so reliant to other people NOON pero ngayon I am starting to live and believe on my own capacity to do and choose decisions as long as I have God with me. Everything will be fine I know.

Life must go on, I know my anger will last for a day or couple of days. Depende. (rarrr..lol) one thing I can assure myself now, I will not give myself fully to the people whom the same may mga maitim na balak sa akin!! Kahit anong maputing balak pa ang nasa akin kung maitim naman sa kanila, maging gray yon so meaning black still prevails!! LOL dahil maging gray ang balak ko sure ako hindi naman ganon kabrutal ang mangyayari!! hahaha

bahala na basta ang alam ko I will do it my way!!! Come and see it!!! 

Another blog chapter begins

It’s been almost three months since the last time I updated my blog. There are actually a lot of thoughts that runs through my mind along those months of being silent here, only that I just couldn’t force myself to blog on it, I just need a little inspiration to do that, aside from being busy from work and school, there are also personal issues that I need to attend it first before anything else. I missed blogging.

As I have promised myself for this 2012, I will make it sure that this time I will complete the 12 months of the year with full of updates in my life – personal or not. This is also a thing that I need to do in order for me to reflect on the lessons I’ve learned along my journey in life.

I supposed to write an update about my birthday yesterday but as I have said, I need an inspiration to push me to blog the important events of my life. I have been sick for almost 9 days so partly I am losing my willingness to do things I wanted to do. Now I am getting better and I can finally manage to think, smile and eat well.

So, another blog chapter begins!!

Stepping back

I started to believe in my dreams again to the new profession I chose to commit in life, to trust in myself once more, to regain back everything that has been lost and to set another goal to reach. There are a lot of things in the past why I failed in life, but still I am thankful for those failures because it helped me to become the person of who I am now.

There was once a dream that someday I will be an architect but I accepted the reality that yes it has been my world but it was never really my life. I am pointing it that my world spins on it but the profession never gave me life. There’s always a great pride there why I didn’t give up pushing the course even if I already have a hard time dealing with my subjects already. A pride wherein I know that there are just a few women in that field who succeeded in the profession, plus the fact that everybody knows you are good in math and can impressed people because definitely you can draw! I know I can make it but there are a lot of circumstances came in my life at that time, I couldn’t get the concentration I want, I easily get discouraged whenever I heard bad news or situations within the family, I was really lost, I admit that. I have no one to talk to about my personal problems; I don’t trust myself so how can I trust others.

I wasted my years but I did not regret because I believed that every mistake or decision that we make in our life, we are responsible to whatever it will lead us to take. I fall but I learned to get up on my own!

A lot of things in the past I didn’t do which I want it to do it now. To me, it’s not yet too late to correct mistakes, in fact I am learning on it. Sometimes I just laughed at those blunder because now I am doing the things which I didn’t do before. The motto that I have now in my life is “I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again!” I find it so funny everytime I thought of that because I couldn’t believe that I actually do things now that I don’t do it. Given example there was whenever there is a class reporting, role play, oral quiz well expect me to be absent on that day. I was lack of self-confidence and I was afraid of standing in front of my classmates but now gaining it through time, experience and mistakes, I always make it sure that I am on the first batch, first one to do the task given.

It’s really a long journey in my life already, I may not know everything yet because I am still learning every moment I lived my life now but one thing I am thankful now is that I see the different person in me, I was not anymore the person with a lot of fears. I started to believed in what I can do for myself and to others, what I can give without expecting anything in return and social work profession has helped me opened my eyes to reality, my heart to my real emotions and my life for a completion.  

Random thoughts came

I have been busy lately so I was not able to update my personal blog. It is I think also my choice to keep myself again away from emotions and thoughts. I’ve been dealing a lot personally and I just want to escape it for a moment. I gave a thought that one day I am going to treat myself outside the city, a place where I can only see mountains, rivers and trees, I just wanted to ease the pain I felt it, I just want to run away from reality.

When I started to go back to school, I decided to leave everything behind, my old blog which has been my life, my world and a friend to me. I told myself now that I am going to take another hit this time, another world where I can jive in, I can talk with my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts and my passion. I am not good in writing, but I certainly believed that in blogging, no one will correct you; no one orders you what to write. One motto I have in blogging was “blog ko ‘to, wag kang makialam, gumawa ka ng sarili mo lol!”

It has been tough to leave the old life and start a new one, in all things. I am not sure if this time; I will find the happiness I found in my old blog, I am not also sure if this time everything will be real. I am still sure of giving my all, myself to the things I love to do, my passion in blogging. Life is different now, it may be hard but I know it’s the best way after all.