Reality 7: I'll be there one day.

I accepted the fact that you are not here with me anymore, you can’t rant over the things I badly made, and I truly missed it. you let me go, and I did too, this is because I don’t want you to suffer more, so you won’t be in pain anymore. You let me decide on my own now, you cut my wings, and you cut me all. I didn't know how to live after you left, after you decided to let go of the things you used to have here with me. I know that there are situations we can’t even control. I also know I have been stubborn all the time but I learned. It wasn't all easy moving on knowing that you are the greatest strength that I have all my life, what I am now it is all because of you.

I feel that pain every day, the more they say how good you were, it breaks me, I always remember how we have suffered, how we fought our lives together and I left all alone now standing, moving forward and hoping for a new tomorrow. Whatever battle I have now, I am doing this for you, I am bringing back what we've lost. I will be there one day. I silently want to be more than what they think I can.

I know you’re still here with me, you’re still guiding me and you want to give me the life I deserve. You are still the reason I lived up to my dreams and survived up with some expectations. It may never be the same again but I am trying to live on what has been left in me. I am still pushing this dream.

One day, I will fly for free as you always told me, “the more you travel, the more you get smarter.” Someday, I will wake up in a hurry to catch up some flight for work, wearing my best corporate attire, when I arrived at my destination, somebody will open my car, a car that has a Philippine flag in front, shaking hands to dignitaries, talking to my own secretary for schedules, I will be standing in front to many, making a difference to individual, promoting new programs and services to improve the lives of the people.  Travelling abroad as well to give honor to our OFW's, attend to certain needs and problems, I will be a motivator in my own circle, family, friends and relatives. I will speak for our country someday. From the law of attraction, these are possible if I keep on thinking about this, if I attract this to happen, this will happen and I will make this to happen. 5 years from now I will go back and read this again.

All these dreams have been made because of my late mother who is pushing me even I was still a kid that I can do more than what she did. I miss you mommy! And you will always be an inspiration in getting these dreams. I’ll be there one day! I promise. =)

Sunday's best now

It’s Sunday! It’s rest day! It’s family day! i learned to value that after I realized I was hooked up with work and school. I still work on school stuff even Sundays, I can’t refuse it when in terms of school papers and exams. I am trying to adjust my entire schedule now, learning to stay at home kapag Sunday, having coffee with my sissy and tita, lunch with my father and a simple dinner too. It’s a nice a feeling, I just felt it kasi naging visible na ako sa bahay! Hahaha I cooked to feel that I belong to the family, kasi parang nasa ibang bansa kami kapag weekdays, we bought our food sa labas, everything is rush kapag may trabaho.

 When I started to go back to school a year and a half now, binago ko lahat, my views, habit, the way I think to some things, attitude, everything I learned to change it dahil for me, I cannot touch others’ lives, make difference, or help them change their views if sa sarili ko I am still the same. I am changing for good, honestly! Hahaha if dati I don’t read my books, now I learned to read more, wala akong choice! Tan-ena! if you don’t read, nga-nga! Na nga-nga! Ka sa klase! And nakakahiya kasi ako ang ate sa klase, may work na related sa course so simple lang mataas ang expectation nila! Hahaha

I just added something sa change na yan, I will learn more to keep Sunday free from work and school stuff. Sana! It’s good to be home, lying in your bed, reading, blogging, etc. and guess what, I learnt it too na kapag weekend, off ang celphone ko! Hahaha yan! Para walang istorbo! No clients, no emergencies from school and work! It’s just me, family and my home! Sarap!!!  

Isang huling iyak daw

After I posted my last entry, I tried to open my winamp and boom! Boom! Suddenly it’s a love song! Bohahaha one last cry ang drama ni winamp! Tan-ena! i forgot to change my playlist earlier while Im in the office. The music is trying to change my mood after being “a little angry” mood kanina. Probably this will lead to drama! Walang funny sa one last cry! Hahaha I did that, I really did that but there’s still pain inside my heart that I couldn’t explain it, I can’t even express it. I am not lonely, I am not sad, maybe I am just hurt and I accepted that feeling.

I told you, maging madamdamin na ang post nato dahil sa lintik na one last cry na yan! Bohahaha I wanted to laugh about it pero seriously if only alam niya how much I am missing the old days, the old us, killing me softly ang dating ng feeling na yan! (saksakin ang puso!!) hindi ko rin pweding tapatan ng kanta ni dingdong avanzado ba? The “why can’t it be”  because hindi nga talaga pwedi! Tatanga tanga ako kapag go ng go go ako! This emotion is just temporary, I will go through this, I still have a life and a dream to reach. Kaya ko ‘to! Hahaha kebs na!!

Medyo matagal din na hindi ako nakinig sa playlist nato, tambak! Tinago at  nilibing! Hinukay ko para malaman saan na ba ang puso ko!! Charus!! Hahaha pero ang totoo I still feel the pain! Heeeww! I am trying, I keep on telling myself na kaya ko to! I did this before, I can still do this now! maybe one day, I will lose my feelings but I always remember how great it was. Hanggang doon nalang!! Tapos ang usapan! Lels!!

Taking step forward

I woke up half-hearted. I couldn’t explain the exact reason why, I just felt that my heart now is heavy probably there’s one person I want to comfort me, the smile would mean a lot. Choosing the life I have now will change my life forever and my future either. I know this is all I want, my dreams to be pursued. I wanted to finish the race I have promised to my late mom and I am keeping it for now. I am happy with the life I had but still it feels like there’s still missing but maybe this is just a temporary feeling until everything is over and gone. What’s keeping me busy now is my job, my studies and my dreams as well. There’s a lot to sacrifice in life and I want to feel every moment I am learning those discoveries i encounter as I walk in my journey. 

For now I know I made a right decision of pursuing what I really want in life. I still love my mom even if she already passed away, having this dreams I am doing now is one proof that my love will never stop and I am going to finish her race the same. When she died, it was my turning point and I am starting to change my life, the life I used to have and I learn to dream more than what I know I can. I know this feeling will pass through it’s time but now I just couldn’t help it and I am trying to keep myself busy chattering on social network, connecting old friends and learning to break the wall inside me. I wanted to cry to release everything I have in my heart now but i want to do it in a place where all I can see is all color green, the trees and bushes, I even wanted to run after the cows, chicken and experience for a while to roam around in a flower field, I think that will help me lift my spirit back.

Life has to move forward every day and we need not to stop just because we are confused, stressed out, hurt and frustrated, this is hard I know when I felt like the world is on me, the pain can’t get out in my heart and a lot of thoughts in my brain. It’s over I know and life has to start again. 

My shifting dreams

This is an archive from my old blog, one of my favorite emotions and thoughts before. I never thought that those visualizations i came through across my life's journey has became my real life and world now.

I could still remember how we used to dream together with my colleagues, how we wanted to be on the top of the mountain, you see I  dreamt to be an architect one day, I never thought that those dreams later than will just shift into some sort of who I actually desire to be and perhaps born to be. nevertheless, things take place for a reason and I’m thankful to the office where I belong now, that helped me to open my eyes in all the possibilities in life and helped me restore myself as well, it helped me to reconstruct my dream and begin to believe that I can have it. Shifting dreams is not that easy, I found my world but it was not my life then. We are born to be great, to accomplish something of worth for which you came into the world for. It has been said that life is nothing more than a search – a continuous search for a cause to live and die for, to be governed by the thought and dreams and propelled by a concealed urge to achieve.  It is unconscious, it is automatic. It is that nagging feeling tugs at you when you are alone, that there is something more. There’s always something more.

I have to open my eyes to full potential. I have to learn to treasure ourselves, know our worth, and look deep into ourselves to discover who we really are and what we came to this earth for. Only then can we be able not to fear our own greatness.

Bearing the sweet fruits

I thought I was done making a blog.

After I made the blog earlier, I went out to find my mom’s red file box. I asked my sister about it but she just nodded so I have no choice but to look inside the master’s bedroom. It was really unusual because when I opened the door I paused for no reason and my tears again started to fell. I looked into the bed where I always see my mom lying whenever I came home late at night. Once again, I started to feel the loss. I still grieve.

Whenever I feel the loss, I always remember those people whom have been a part of my mom’s death. So much I really wanted to be strong to face life every day without bitterness, hatred and anger, still my strength is not enough to fight back, to move on. There’s no easy way to forgive when you know that you have lost everything. The only thing that we have now, with my sister and papa is the principle, dignity, wisdom, reputation and values that my mom imparted to us.

I’ve tasted the sweetest word from other people whom have appreciated my mom’s good deeds. It’s true that “kung ano ang tinanim, yon ang aanihin mo” and I am proud to say that my mom has done her part in the society and I am bearing those fruits now. It is hard for us but the least we can do is to accept that mom is not with us anymore. I don’t want to think deeply that mom died already because every night or moment is a tear jerking.

I remained strong when my mom’s wake is going on until we finally said our goodbyes. They see me as mom’s carbon copy, physically and some of her mannerisms, ability and the like. Just when everybody thought that I am that strong, that I have a hard heart but what others didn’t know, I am so weak emotionally. i always have a late reaction to all the things that is happening in my life especially when it comes to emotions and my feelings. My life has been closed in the past, I refrained from sharing my emotions it’s not because that I am afraid of rejection but it is just a choice to keep it. Now, it is my choice the same to open everything in my life, I guess it’s about time to share what I have been through to lessen the pain I am feeling now.