Reality 7: I'll be there one day.

I accepted the fact that you are not here with me anymore, you can’t rant over the things I badly made, and I truly missed it. you let me go, and I did too, this is because I don’t want you to suffer more, so you won’t be in pain anymore. You let me decide on my own now, you cut my wings, and you cut me all. I didn't know how to live after you left, after you decided to let go of the things you used to have here with me. I know that there are situations we can’t even control. I also know I have been stubborn all the time but I learned. It wasn't all easy moving on knowing that you are the greatest strength that I have all my life, what I am now it is all because of you.

I feel that pain every day, the more they say how good you were, it breaks me, I always remember how we have suffered, how we fought our lives together and I left all alone now standing, moving forward and hoping for a new tomorrow. Whatever battle I have now, I am doing this for you, I am bringing back what we've lost. I will be there one day. I silently want to be more than what they think I can.

I know you’re still here with me, you’re still guiding me and you want to give me the life I deserve. You are still the reason I lived up to my dreams and survived up with some expectations. It may never be the same again but I am trying to live on what has been left in me. I am still pushing this dream.

One day, I will fly for free as you always told me, “the more you travel, the more you get smarter.” Someday, I will wake up in a hurry to catch up some flight for work, wearing my best corporate attire, when I arrived at my destination, somebody will open my car, a car that has a Philippine flag in front, shaking hands to dignitaries, talking to my own secretary for schedules, I will be standing in front to many, making a difference to individual, promoting new programs and services to improve the lives of the people.  Travelling abroad as well to give honor to our OFW's, attend to certain needs and problems, I will be a motivator in my own circle, family, friends and relatives. I will speak for our country someday. From the law of attraction, these are possible if I keep on thinking about this, if I attract this to happen, this will happen and I will make this to happen. 5 years from now I will go back and read this again.

All these dreams have been made because of my late mother who is pushing me even I was still a kid that I can do more than what she did. I miss you mommy! And you will always be an inspiration in getting these dreams. I’ll be there one day! I promise. =)

Reality 3: ito na ang aking daan…pinagdadaanan

Reality 2: Part 1

Reality 2: Part 2

Lumiko ako minsan sa buhay ko, no worries hindi naman ako nag-drugs or nagbenta ng katawan. Lol umabot lang sa ponto na nagugulohan ako sa buhay ko, hindi ko alam ano ang gusto ko, sumabay pa ako sa problema ng mama ko at that time, I know I was selfish, immature and stupid.

Yong mama ko, was once a head sa isang government agency, my mom has also a strong personality, kung ano ako ngayon, yon talaga siya no more no less. Dahil sa strong personality na yan at sa pagiging committed sa trabaho, nakita niya ang kanyang mga staff na may corruption ng nagaganap, pinatawag, inayos. Tuloy ang buhay pero hindi na mauulit ang mga bagay na yong mga staff used to do, malaking pera yon, alam ko na ngayon kung bakit dahil gaya ng sabi ko tinahak ko rin ang profession niya.

Dahil sa galit at hiya nong mga staff na yon, nagkaron ng gulo, yong mga corrupt gumawa ng isang groupo para alisin ang mama ko sa position, may isang tao rin kasing gusto kunin ang position kaya gumawa ng mga eksena, naghanap ng butas. Ayaw ng mama ko ng gulo, nagresign kagad si mader, mga high school pa ako noon, mahirap kasi provided kami mula pagkabata hanggang lumaki until dumating ang problemang yan. Sumakay ang aming lawyer, binenta niya ang case namin sa kabila, umabot na nga kami ng supreme court eh. Alam niyo anong hirap dinaanan ko non, yong trauma na bawat mailman na dumarating sa bahay na nagdadala ng sulat galing sa mga court, nanginginig ako sa takot. That was ten years higit pa… walang kaluluwa ang mga taong gumawa non sa amin, kala mo sila lang ang kumakain.

Naging swerte si mommy right after that kasi tinanggap siya sa isang agency ulit where in yong mga pesteng corrupt na mga tao, dadaan sa kanyang mga kamay kasi hihingi ng tulong, nasa regional agency naman siya that time. Nakita ko ang hirap ng mama ko, yong iyak araw-araw, yong sakripisyo namin, yong adjustment lahat na. sa araw-araw ng buhay ko that time sabi ko hanggang kelan matatapos to, pano ako makakaganti. Hindi nacontento ang mga taong yon, naghanap ulit ng butas, nangyari na nga kinakatakotan namin. She left the service without nothing sa kamay niya after almost 36 years of service sa government. mga panahong yon, wala akong magawa, hindi ako makagalaw kasi kahit ako may issue rin sa sarili ko, gulong gulo ako. Napasok ako sa isang government agency at believe it or not, it’s the same agency  saan ang mama ko nagttrabaho pero hindi sa city, sa isang province naman but kapag may regional meetings, nagaabot ang mga tao sa municipality, city at province.

dito nagsimula ang lahat, i was so bitter din kahit noon pa man. hindi ko alam kung dahan-dahan ba akong nakamove-on sa pinagdaanan ko kasi looking back, i was really angry until slowly huminahon ako... 

June 2011July 2011August 2011September 2011

Si mommy noon pa man gusto niya akong mag-aral na ng social work, pero hindi ako handa sa mga panahong yon, hindi ko pa alam ano ang para sa akin at gulong gulo pa rin ako. Araw-araw, lagi niya sinasabi “alam ko  nasa isip mo, hinding hindi mo magawa ang gusto mo kapag hindi ka mag-aral ng social work” tahimik ako palagi kapag ang mama ko na nagsasalita. The painful there was before she died, siguro months, she said “be a social worker para isang araw, you will tell those people right in front of their face na anak ako ni… and what now?!” lagi na niya yon sinasabi even before then pero that year, months before she died I already decided na mag-aaral na ako ng social work, magsstart na ako ng summer.  

It was really painful when the last memory na lagi kong maalala is yong sinabi niyang balikan ko yong mga taong umapi sa kanya, sa amin. Paulit ulit nasa utak ko yan hanggang ngayon.

Gusto ng mama ko na Makita ako ng mga taong umapi sa amin na may natira pa rin sa pamilya namin, na ako daw ang tatayo para sa kanya, ako ang tatapos sa laban na binitiwan niya minsan. Sobrang bigat yan at pilit ko mang burahin sa utak ko, napapaniginipan ko ang mama ko, alam ko hindi pa siya tahimik until I will get that license. (may board exam kasi ang social work)

Kaya habang nag-aaral ako ngayon, lagi kong dinidream at hinihingi na sana mag-top ako sa board exam (ambisyosa ako ano pero kailangan kong gawin to) kasi ito lang ang alam kong pwedi masabi ng lahat na ang anak ni… sumunod din sa yapak ng mama niya. May legacy na naiwan ang mama ko dito at yan ang pressure sakin ngayon. Todo kayod ako sa pag-aaral na hindi ko naman ginagawa noon, ayoko nga magbasa ng libro noon, maganda pa ang books noon kasi hard bound, may pictures, glossy pa pero  ngayon kahit photocopy lang kasi wala kaming libro sa social work talaga, pinagttyagaan kong basahin para isang araw pagdating ng board exam, maabot ko ang gusto ko at mabandera ang mukha ko sa harap ng opisina nong mga taong pesteh! (oo, paglabas kasi nila sa opisina eh paaralan ko na, kapag may pumasa sa course namin, ang laki ng tarp nakalagay kasi kami lang din ang nag-offer ng social work dito sa city namin.)

At ang masakit pa, isa sa mga anak nong taong umapi sa amin, eh classmate ko. Araw-araw lagi ko naalala yong iyak ng mama ko, hirap at lahat. hindi ko man masabi sa kanya ng diretso kasi bangayan ng magulang yon eh wala siyang alam pero ang pinapakain ng magulang niya sa kanya ay yong pera nakaw sa gobyerno. Kaya slight nalang ang ginagawa ko, kapag nagrereport siya, bonggang bombah na questions ang tinitira ko yong the whole period hindi siya makaupo lol

Ang buhay ay iikot talaga parang earth nga lang kasi isipin niyo kapag makuha ko yong license, isang araw malaking chance na magkakaharap kami dahil parehas na kami ng profession. Siguro sa panahong yan, matatahimik na rin ang mama ko, kasi hanggang ngayon alam ko, hindi pa niya natapos ang mission niya dito sa mundo. In fact when she died, nagparamdam siya sa close friend nya, nagusap sila sa panaginip, umiiyak ang mama ko, ang sabi niya ayoko pang mamatay kasi may gagawin pa ako pero ang katawan ko bumigay na. it crashed me kasi alam ko ano pa ang kulang at hanggang ngayon dala-dala ko yan, tawa lang ako ng tawa sa araw-araw sa mga comment na nakikita niyo pero deep inside me, ito ang reality ko sa buhay ko.

Itutuloy…

Mga bilog na mukha paikot-ikot

Tinotoo ko na talaga ang sinabi kong mag-ggym ako. I stopped for almost three months din kasi naging busy-busyhan ako sa school and work, di kinaya ng sched ko kasi gabi matatapos ang clase ko. Sana makapag-adjust na ako this year kasi I REALLY NEED (hahaha) to lose weight para sa darating na practicum ko. Lol dumepensa pa ako talaga! Haha charos! Nagdadahilan pa talaga ako!

When I changed my profile pic sa fb ko nong new year (nakawhite with close up, echos!) a friend message me (mataba rin siya hahaha, pig nga tawagan namin kasi parehas kaming bilog since HS pa hanggang naging classmate kami ulit for this new course) she told me, wag yan kasi ang mukha mo bilog na bilog (bonggang tawa) and I told her (defense mechanism kagad) ok lang yan kasi swerte sa new year ang bilog! Hahaha kebs na ako! That pic was a year ago nong nagpunta kami sa isang community. Bilog talaga mukha ko at least hindi naging itlog o kaya mangga! Lels! Hahaha

Mula sa bilog, itong executive look ko naman, charos! Nag-ggym pa ako that time, Nagtrim down daw ako slight ansabeh!?! Parang wala naman pinagbago, trim down talaga? Parang halaman lang ha! Lol at finally after almost three months, yan na ang get up ko papuntang gym! kulay orange, ponkan na ponkan lang sabi ni jessica haha, may nagsabi ding "likas papayah" haha Ganyan! ang sweet nila! haha Kailangan conservative muna para hindi malanta ang pechay! Hahaha tan-enah yang pechay na term na yan, usapan sa twitter ata yan or sa comment sa blog, either si JonDmur, Rix, Pao, Cyron, Archie, Tonio lang ang nagsabi niyan, sila lang ang kilala kong wholesome, swear! they are very wholesome! lol basta isa sa kanila di ko lang ma-pin point (nagbintang talaga ako ano! Hahahaha sniff…) kung sino kasi hindi ako sigurado din! Hahaha hindi ko rin ata pweding pagbintangan si arline at senyor dito kasi busy-busyhan ang buhay nila lately, never mahanap. lol 

In 3 months time kailangan totoong anne Curtis na ang katawan ko! Haha (ambisyosa!) wag naman, masakit sa ulo ang ubod ng sexy, lantang lanta ka lang niyan! Hahaha wag nah! Iba pa rin ang kutis bebeh! Roowwttss!! At naalala ko ang sabi ni empi sa twitter, gusto daw niya magkasing laki kami, tang inah ayoko nah! Hahaha ayoko ng upo, talong, patola mas lalo naman kung sili! Magkamay ka nalang por-eber or kahit wag nalang! Iba pa rin ang totoo! Charos wag berdeh ang utak! Hahaha sa susunod ko na ikwento ang mga bagong papalicious na nakasabay kong mag-gym, magkakasala nako talaga! gibang giba ang reputasyon ko nito!! (sign of the cross) Bwahahahaha 

 

Reality 1: The bomb inside me

Pag-gising ko akala ko January  2 na at nagpanic akong tumayo kasi papasok sa trabaho. (gulat na gulat! Haha) i will make more things right this time, una sa pag-bblog, gusto ko ng ibahagi or idisclose slowly kung ano man ang totoong kwento ng buhay ko. Char! Ganyan! Keri lang yan! Positive-positive attraction pa rin ang gingawa ko ngayon! Lels! Ang buhay ko na minsan puno ng galit, sakit, saya at lungkot. Gaya ng sabi ko in the previous entries, ang tao kung ano man ang ugali niya, naging masama man siya or mabuti, hindi kereh ang ugali, may mga dahilan, factors na nagccontribute kung bakit nagkakaganyan ang tao pero laging may pagkakataon bagohin yan sabay ng pagbabago ng mga situation rin sa buhay niya. Ganyan lang! sumeryoso bigla! hahaha

Binago ko ang aking header para sa 2013, ito ay para ma-alala ko ang mama ko sa kulay yellow na yan, hindi dahil paborito ni Pnoy ang color yellow. Yong text na “hold onto someone who will make you the most you that you can possibly be” – attracted to this dahil hindi lang ito nag-rerefer to someone but the things na pwedi mong gawin or isang dream na maging daan para mahanap mo ang contentment at fulfilment sa buhay. Charos! Pero totoo yan! Hehe ito na nga ang realidad sa buhay ko at ikkwento ko yan buong taon kaya sana samahan niyo sa paglalakbay ng aking buhay (parang rizal na rizal lang! lol)

Unang reality na sasabihin ko... [nagpasabog na ako ng unang bomba kanina 12:30 am at sa pag-gising ko ganon din! (lbm kagad? lol)] 

seryoso na talaga...

sasabihin ko na...

Ang tunay kong pangalan! dahil sa pangalan ko lagi akong sumasabit sa mga transaction. Ganyan!

Aaminin ko na, hindi joke ang pangalan ko sa FB account, dahil yon talaga ang real name ko, yong apilyido ni mader before nag-asawa ay pinangalan sa akin, kaya ako talaga ang totoong MS. REDUNDANT!  Yan ang tukso sakin sa school at opisina dahil paulit-ulit ang pangalan ko! (dusa forever ako! Haha) pagdating naman sa mga transaction sa trabaho, pagkuha ng mga ID’s (tin, philhealth,gsis, etc) laging tanong at sinasabi “Miss… ayosin ang pangalan mo, paulit-paulit! Tanda mo na, hindi ka pa marunong mag-fill up!” oh divaah bonggang bongga sila ateh at koyah sa pagiging judgmental! (tan-enah! Bawal manapak! Lol) kereng-kere ang sagot kong (nakasmile) “it’s my real name, pls check my BC to confirm!” (arteh lang!) PAKS! Ganyan lang talaga teh! nasanay na ako sa isasagot ko! Lol buong buhay ko ng dadalhin ang linya na yan kahit sa burol ko malamang may magtatalo din! Chos! Hahaha

Ito ang unang reality ng buhay ko. Ganyan!

Abangan ang susunod… i still don't know what will happen in the next 365 days ng buhay ko, basta ito na ang simula ng buhay ko sa 2013 (parang narinig ko ito sa gma? lol)

I seriously woke up in a hurry thinking it’s January 2 already! Hahaha kakalokah!

5 days to go nalang pala at nasa number 3 nako, at hanggang ngayon walang pinagbago yon pa rin ang pangalan ko! Iyon ang araw ng pagkabuhay ng pangalan ko! Lol

Oppss.. (FB) message from GOD January 1, 2013 10:00am

You will feel better if you notice the sweetness of life.

Notice the smiles of children, the songs of the birds, and the caress of the sun's warmth. This sweetness is for you. Allow it to soothe your soul and bring a smile to your face.

Si God talaga... super nagparamdam na.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Tambling ang mataba na puso

Dahil sa bagong discovery ko na pagiging inggiterah sa mga post ng year end, kinarer ko na teh! I scanned my fb again and again kung ano ang nangyari sa buhay ko for 2012 and beng! Beng! Bang! May nakita akong dapat hindi na Makita and bigla akong nalungkot! (ang napapala sa pagiging inggeterah! Haha) momove on na ako teh! haha

People always dream to have a lasting relationship but this people have ever ask kayah ba nila? (anak ni pokwang! Parang lasing lang ako sa English! Eemo na kasunod nito! Haha) natanong ko na kasi yan minsan dahil yong personality ko ang problema, syadong strong at nakaka-intimidate ako sa marami lalo naman sa mga lalaki! (ganyan! Echos panakot!) kaya ko naman magtagal but ang tanong kaya ban g tao magtagal sa personality ko! (ober da bakod haha) I know kasi God won’t give you everything in this world. Malakas ang kutob ko successful ako sa career ko, sa pangarap ko, yong dream ko na magsasalita sa harap ng buong tao, hindi lang isang bansa nasa likod ko pero marami (to clear, hindi yan politician! Haha) makapagtravel ng libre sa buong mundo pero failed ako sa relationship! Hahaha tan-enah! Yon pa naman ang pinakamasaya! Charos! 

dalawang tao lang ang alam kong kinaya niyang patamblingin ang ugali ko at hindi na nagwork din for some reasons na madali lang maintindihan ng iba. (ganyan! Char haha) oo, simply ang reason pero mahirap tanggapin. Nahihirapan ako those moment sa life ko but dahil na rin sa pagiging busy ko, nakakalimutan ko na pero may mga pagkakataon pa rin that reminds me of him pero echos lang yon! Haha honestly, meron talaga pero its not like before na hindi talaga ako nakakatulog (may ganyang arteh!), nasobrahan lang ako sa kapeh siguro sa mga panahong iyon!

People say na ang babae ang hinahanap nila ay yong tulad ng tatay nila, ang lalaki tulad ng nanay nila. Impossible isipin pero totoo yon, ang nag-aatract sa babae at lalaki ay mga qualities na nakikita nila sa magulang nila dahil ito ang kinalakihan nila. Charing! Para sa akin it happened, sa kapatid ko ganon din. May pressure slight kapag ang nakikita mong magulang ay buong nagmamahalan, no lies and even my mom died already, ayaw ng mag-asawa ni pader! (good kasi pasok sa banga ang babaeng yon! Uunahan pa kami ng kapatid ko! Haha)

Sa 2013, ayoko ng maghope, but nakakahawa minsan sila sis arline at ang mga pugi na si jon, archie, rix, tonio, cyron, bagotilyo, empi, pao, at bino na hopeful talaga sila sa 2013. Parang ngayon ko lang narealize na come what may nalang ako! Hahaha madami pang mangyayari sa buhay ko basta hindi pa end of the world, baka sa susunod hindi lang tambling ang kaya gawin ng taong darating baka pwedi na rin siyang umakyat sa coconut tree para kumuha ng buko at coconut para sa aking buhok pang hot oil. Haha

Iba ang nagagawa kapag may sakit kung ano-ano ang naiisip. Lels!

Sunday's best now

It’s Sunday! It’s rest day! It’s family day! i learned to value that after I realized I was hooked up with work and school. I still work on school stuff even Sundays, I can’t refuse it when in terms of school papers and exams. I am trying to adjust my entire schedule now, learning to stay at home kapag Sunday, having coffee with my sissy and tita, lunch with my father and a simple dinner too. It’s a nice a feeling, I just felt it kasi naging visible na ako sa bahay! Hahaha I cooked to feel that I belong to the family, kasi parang nasa ibang bansa kami kapag weekdays, we bought our food sa labas, everything is rush kapag may trabaho.

 When I started to go back to school a year and a half now, binago ko lahat, my views, habit, the way I think to some things, attitude, everything I learned to change it dahil for me, I cannot touch others’ lives, make difference, or help them change their views if sa sarili ko I am still the same. I am changing for good, honestly! Hahaha if dati I don’t read my books, now I learned to read more, wala akong choice! Tan-ena! if you don’t read, nga-nga! Na nga-nga! Ka sa klase! And nakakahiya kasi ako ang ate sa klase, may work na related sa course so simple lang mataas ang expectation nila! Hahaha

I just added something sa change na yan, I will learn more to keep Sunday free from work and school stuff. Sana! It’s good to be home, lying in your bed, reading, blogging, etc. and guess what, I learnt it too na kapag weekend, off ang celphone ko! Hahaha yan! Para walang istorbo! No clients, no emergencies from school and work! It’s just me, family and my home! Sarap!!!  

We are all going there... old age.

One afternoon of October 4, 2012, i was going to school and I come to pass by an old lola in the corner of the street who is trying to fix something, she tried to bend as she could to reach the newspaper with her faeces inside and that really strikes me a lot. The moment I saw the lola, i shook my head and there’s a lot of questions poke my head that I myself could not even answer for I know there are a lot of possible reasons to my questions. I was really hurt seeing far behind the lola who is helping herself to fix the mess that I myself can’t help her. I know she could still think of cleaning it before she will be reprimanded by some authority and she has no choice but she has to do it by herself. 

I don’t know who’s to blame, we don’t even know what’s really the reason behind why that lola is on the street. One thing I know with our Filipino culture, we are obliged to take care of our parents and grandparents, we may have something to give or doesn’t have at all. It is part of our values also that has been instilled that no matter what, we have to attend them. It really strikes me until now, It was one of the social issues that open my eyes to reality that gave me some hint on what I can do more in the future and with the profession I have chosen.

If only their voices have been heard, I know how happy they will feel when they know that before they die they are secured already. Everybody is going to where they are now, I don’t think each individual can afford to be like them, sleeping on the streets without blanket, they eat once a day and has no bed to take a rest. I don’t know why government cover their eyes and ears on this matter; I don’t think they still have to wait that somebody will raise that issue to give these street grandparents a home to stay. They just don’t want it because they can’t use or help for their political or electoral agenda. But their prayer does!! Mom told me once “kapag bata nasa daan, madaming pupulot, pero kapag matanda, wala!” and now that I have grown up, I certainly agree to my mother.

Time to change

i need to change everything in my blog from banner to the background. i just don't know how to do it. i hope there could be an angel who drops off in my blog and share his/her idea how to make one. i am also still waiting for my application in cdo bloggers, well its fun i think, i just need to be so busy in everything so i will not be able to attend too much on myself. i think it's time to work on the community and listen to what the society's need. 

pangyayaring asahan natin minsan

Ngayon lang ako mabubuhay ulit sa blogsphere. Dahil sa pagod ko kahapon, galing klase at nagpizza parteh kami, sinulit ko ang buong araw makapagpahinga total bukas wala naman pasok dahil holiday. Gumigising lang ako para kumain at tulog ulit. Baboy!! Hahaha ano naman talagang bumawi ako ng tulog at pahinga kasi matagalan na naman magkaron ng long weekend, sabay madami pang gagawing assignments ngayon. Bukas sisimulan ko ng isa-isahin ang naiwan na trabaho para hindi ako magmamadali sa Tuesday.

Malapit na rin ang midterms and I need to prepare more this time para hindi ma-disappoint pag dating ng result sa exam. haha it’s already a great opportunity na sa akin to go to school again kasi may experience na ako at applicable lahat, vice versa kung baga kasi after school I could apply it right away sa trabaho what I have learned. though honestly now, I have confusion already, madaming nagbago, madami akong nakitang mali at inisa-isa ko para I could cope uo the with situations, I know I need to seek professional help para maintindihan ko rin ang mga nangyayari sa akin. Hindi naman ako mentally ill or may problema sa pagiisip only that there will be a time sa buhay natin na nagugulohan tayo at normal lang yon.

I always have this positive view in life now compared noon, I know I can handle what bothers sa utak ko, sa mga situation na nangyayari, nagugulohan ako kasi the way I worked noon is too far different now, if I feel the contentment sa work ko noon in handling the clients who have problems in life, ngayon atrasado na ako kasi sa dami ng nalearn ko sa school I am afraid to be the same person noon which in school taught me what are the proper ways of dealing or handling clients.

And moments like this, ito ang surely I miss with my mom because wala akong mapagtanongan kung bakit at she could never guide me what to do, sariling sikap na ako ngayon, pilitin intindihan ang mga bagay na minsan wala ka rin namang sagot sa mga tanong mo, minsan kailangan mo rin magpretend na kaya mo para hindi ka malunod sabay sa mga problema at mga pagdududa at the last na nalearn ko sa buhay, kailangan mong isipin na lahat kaya mo kahit sa simula pa lang may takot ka ng gawin ang mga bagay na minsan hindi mo maisip na kaya mong gawin!! 

Stepping back

I started to believe in my dreams again to the new profession I chose to commit in life, to trust in myself once more, to regain back everything that has been lost and to set another goal to reach. There are a lot of things in the past why I failed in life, but still I am thankful for those failures because it helped me to become the person of who I am now.

There was once a dream that someday I will be an architect but I accepted the reality that yes it has been my world but it was never really my life. I am pointing it that my world spins on it but the profession never gave me life. There’s always a great pride there why I didn’t give up pushing the course even if I already have a hard time dealing with my subjects already. A pride wherein I know that there are just a few women in that field who succeeded in the profession, plus the fact that everybody knows you are good in math and can impressed people because definitely you can draw! I know I can make it but there are a lot of circumstances came in my life at that time, I couldn’t get the concentration I want, I easily get discouraged whenever I heard bad news or situations within the family, I was really lost, I admit that. I have no one to talk to about my personal problems; I don’t trust myself so how can I trust others.

I wasted my years but I did not regret because I believed that every mistake or decision that we make in our life, we are responsible to whatever it will lead us to take. I fall but I learned to get up on my own!

A lot of things in the past I didn’t do which I want it to do it now. To me, it’s not yet too late to correct mistakes, in fact I am learning on it. Sometimes I just laughed at those blunder because now I am doing the things which I didn’t do before. The motto that I have now in my life is “I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again!” I find it so funny everytime I thought of that because I couldn’t believe that I actually do things now that I don’t do it. Given example there was whenever there is a class reporting, role play, oral quiz well expect me to be absent on that day. I was lack of self-confidence and I was afraid of standing in front of my classmates but now gaining it through time, experience and mistakes, I always make it sure that I am on the first batch, first one to do the task given.

It’s really a long journey in my life already, I may not know everything yet because I am still learning every moment I lived my life now but one thing I am thankful now is that I see the different person in me, I was not anymore the person with a lot of fears. I started to believed in what I can do for myself and to others, what I can give without expecting anything in return and social work profession has helped me opened my eyes to reality, my heart to my real emotions and my life for a completion.  

That old man moved me

old Archive: This the moment i never forget in my life, the moment wherein i was moved by a stranger.

As what I have said in my previous post that my life’s experience is not that much but not that less. Each of us has its story to tell. Living day to day, we encountered walks of life, different situations, and different problems. I won’t say that I am matured enough in some facet of our life because some part of me I still wish I am a kid. A kid who can just play around and by not thinking of what life can bring ahead of us, what future lies within. Let’s face reality anyway! We are not getting any younger and we are looking forward for the future we want it to happen, life is not easy and we have to live by it. Here’s a personal experience from one of the client I interviewed months ago that helped me in some way to reflect.

An old man came to the office and presents the list of medicines for his wife. His wife is at the hospital, he is seeking for assistance from any agency of the government where he may able to get a few for his sick wife. I asked him how many children he has and he answered me he got only one but a disabled and was diagnosed with schizophrenia (A several psychotic disorders characterized by distortions of reality and disturbances of thought and language and withdrawal from social contact). He said he left his daughter in the neighborhood to look after since he is in the hospital busy attending his sick wife. Their family is unable to sustain the need due to family’s scant resources. Unstable income from Farming can barely make both ends meet. They cannot reap even a little help from closer relatives who are also living in hardships under the sun. Unfortunately, their town (their town is almost 2 hours from the hospital) was hit by a typhoon. He felt anxious and I wasn’t able to speak for a while, a tear fall from his eyes and said “where do I go now?” “What am I going to do?” I took a deep breathe and I thanked God I was able to answer his two questions; I was able to find a solutions where he can get the medicines and other needs for his wife. I thought that was the end, when he is about to leave the office and asked me “[mam, ikaw ba naa sa akong situation unsa akong unahon, ang akong asawa naa sa hospital or akong anak nga buang naa sa among munisipyo]” “(mam, if you were in my situation, what will I attend first, my sick wife or my disabled daughter?)” BOOM! I paused and I took a deep breathe, I was looking at him without saying any word, that moment what I had in mind is that “what if I am in his shoes, what am I going to do?” – it took a while I wasn’t able to speak up that he comes to understand that I have no answer for his question, I smiled at him, I stood up and tap his shoulder but deep inside me I feel fret. I was struck with his question. Then he finally left with “sige mam, salamat.” As he closes the door, I said to my officemates “hala!” and I think that point in time that’s the least thing I can say. 

Christmas without you

Today is the last day of August and tomorrow will be the start of “BER” September, October, November and December. This means that Christmas is almost again to happen. Personally, there would be a lot of changes this year. We will celebrate Christmas without my mom.

Sometimes I don’t want to mention about my mom because it always reminds me of what life we have been, what pain we went through, I always remember how much she suffered from pain because of the people wants to see her in despair. I could always think of revenge but what will be the benefit I will have if I take an action soon, what I could get, it’s nothing!  

I am trying to reconstruct my life now; I am starting all over again. I am trying to move on and forget what we have been. Christmas won’t be the same without mom, I am sure of that. Gonna miss her chocolate cake, humba, chicken binacol, sapin-sapin, ube jam, suman, etc. all I wish that someday whatever pain I have now will be healed soon.

I am facing now the greatest challenge in my life, to prove and stand in behalf of my mom, I know I will never be like her but one thing I know, I can do something more. There are still unfinished issues in my life and I want to start it now without any hesitations. This time I am willing to face whatever failures will come my way, I guess I am now ready to face another chapter of my life with bravery.  Like what I always told myself, “I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again!” it will never be a perfect journey but at least now I am trying to give more what I have given in the past. 

"bitter" OFF

I decided to create another blog so I can move on to another chapter of my life. I’ve had enough for the pain, frustrations, desperation in the old blog and I know it will be hard for me to face another battle of my life where my mom is not around anymore. I tried to be strong, I tried everything I could, I remained to be strong even if I am losing my strength because I know one day I am going to overcome all of these. 

This will be a new start of my life, in every end there’s always a better beginning. Despite of everything, I am enjoying my new world, my new life. I feel my worth, I am happy even if I am empty inside. There’s still a part me now I wanted to be settled yet I don’t know when will be the right time for that, I don’t even know when my heart is ready to say that “it’s okay” because I know for now, it is not really okay! 

I don’t want to reach the end that I am still bitter, that I am still in pain, that the only I have in my heart is revenge! I tried all the means and way to ease the pain, to somehow forget the pain, I have prayed hard that God will heal me every day, that I may not hear anything about them, that I may not see them for now because I honestly admit it that I am in the height of my anger. They can’t give back the life of my mom, not even millions of dollars will help relieve me. 

Well, I hope their daughters will never experience more than a thousand of pain we went through! We will never understand one person’s situation until we will go through the same as theirs.