Maitim + white balak = Gray na balak

I was supposed to write an entry last night but since sobrang BADTRIP ako kahapon kaya I slept early nalang. I have been thinking to burst it out what I felt yesterday but I chose not to nalang because I might say words that is not appropriate at mas lalong maging masama ang tingin ng ibang tao sa akin. KEBS ko nalang!!!

This time I have come to many realizations in life that sometimes you just have to go on to your own battle alone, decide without asking other’s opinion and kill them silently!!! Hahaha I’ve come to think that the battle and competition in life is always there beside us, we just tend to ignore it because we uphold our values and traditions yet there are just some people doesn’t care what we feel. So ngayon, ito lang ang masasabi ko, HUMANDA kayo!!! I have been so reliant to other people NOON pero ngayon I am starting to live and believe on my own capacity to do and choose decisions as long as I have God with me. Everything will be fine I know.

Life must go on, I know my anger will last for a day or couple of days. Depende. (rarrr..lol) one thing I can assure myself now, I will not give myself fully to the people whom the same may mga maitim na balak sa akin!! Kahit anong maputing balak pa ang nasa akin kung maitim naman sa kanila, maging gray yon so meaning black still prevails!! LOL dahil maging gray ang balak ko sure ako hindi naman ganon kabrutal ang mangyayari!! hahaha

bahala na basta ang alam ko I will do it my way!!! Come and see it!!! 

Personal Encounter Activity

I have a lot of thoughts running through in my mind now. I don’t even know where and how to start. But anyways, today I had a blast from our workshop on social development encounter. At first I was a bit anxious because I know where it will lead but I believed that I wasn’t able to give all myself to the workshop because definitely I did not burst out. I know there are still a lot of things in me that is need to be processed but I guess today was not enough to deal my personal thoughts and emotions. Slowly I already have this acceptance that things in the past will always be a history but there are still questions in my mind that needs an answer.

During the workshop, my thoughts are running, my emotions are puzzled.  I know that there are a lot of people out there whom have bigger problems than what I had but there is only one word I wanted to search, I wanted to find it, I wanted to reach it “justice.” I believed that entering the world of social work is one point in my life to search for those questions, to find myself even better.

Sometimes, I don’t want to hear anything from home, I don’t want to hear my sister’s heartache over those people whom have been a part of my mom’s death because it will create hatred on my part, I started to get angry again, I even wanted more to seek justice. They didn’t kill my mom literally but they get the life where my mom should have it until she grew old.

I know this is only the beginning of my journey as a social work student, I may not answer some questions now but I am hoping to find those answers along the way. I couldn’t even give a single answer to a simple question of “is there revenge deep in your heart now?” honestly, I don’t know. I may be hypocrite to answer that but all I can say is “I really don’t know because I don’t know what will happen tomorrow; I don’t know what will come in my way!” There are simple questions that stunned me somehow, I just carried it well.

I have enjoyed our activity today and I am looking forward for more activities next semester. There are a lot learning’s today and I am grateful to have along with us Mam M. , Mam Winnie and Mam Melfie. Thanks to you all!

Well, yeah I guess maybe I need help professionally. I will just take time to absorb everything.

Bearing the sweet fruits

I thought I was done making a blog.

After I made the blog earlier, I went out to find my mom’s red file box. I asked my sister about it but she just nodded so I have no choice but to look inside the master’s bedroom. It was really unusual because when I opened the door I paused for no reason and my tears again started to fell. I looked into the bed where I always see my mom lying whenever I came home late at night. Once again, I started to feel the loss. I still grieve.

Whenever I feel the loss, I always remember those people whom have been a part of my mom’s death. So much I really wanted to be strong to face life every day without bitterness, hatred and anger, still my strength is not enough to fight back, to move on. There’s no easy way to forgive when you know that you have lost everything. The only thing that we have now, with my sister and papa is the principle, dignity, wisdom, reputation and values that my mom imparted to us.

I’ve tasted the sweetest word from other people whom have appreciated my mom’s good deeds. It’s true that “kung ano ang tinanim, yon ang aanihin mo” and I am proud to say that my mom has done her part in the society and I am bearing those fruits now. It is hard for us but the least we can do is to accept that mom is not with us anymore. I don’t want to think deeply that mom died already because every night or moment is a tear jerking.

I remained strong when my mom’s wake is going on until we finally said our goodbyes. They see me as mom’s carbon copy, physically and some of her mannerisms, ability and the like. Just when everybody thought that I am that strong, that I have a hard heart but what others didn’t know, I am so weak emotionally. i always have a late reaction to all the things that is happening in my life especially when it comes to emotions and my feelings. My life has been closed in the past, I refrained from sharing my emotions it’s not because that I am afraid of rejection but it is just a choice to keep it. Now, it is my choice the same to open everything in my life, I guess it’s about time to share what I have been through to lessen the pain I am feeling now.

ECCD assignment caused my emotions

I paused for a while doing my “late” assignment for my elective-eccd subject as I have recalled the memories mom and dad created for me. It was a happy childhood, a perfect and healthy family. It’s too early mom left us, it’s not easy especially now that mom always wanted me take a big part to be in her profession which whatever achievements, frustrations, desperation, and happiness I have now she will never hear it, see it or appreciate it personally.

I have no choice but to stand in behalf of my mom, I am the eldest and I need to carry myself more than how my mom carried us through. I thought I am strong enough to carry all the pain in my heart but I am too weak everytime I remember the good deeds mom did to others that despite of being seriously committed to her profession, some people would destroy you because of positions they wanted to have it, insecurity could kill the person’s value and dignity. I am not yet over with them! That’s the honest answer I know now from my heart.

I still grieve and others may not see it or feel it but deep inside me I always think that mom is just around but when I think profoundly, I know she is not with us anymore. I sometimes caught myself to have mom’s ways of delivering wisdom, to have mom’s gestures and points of view in life. Physically I am my mom’s “carbon copy” we both have strong personality but people who really knew us inside and out they knew we were weak inside.

I am thankful enough that even how hard in my part emotionally to take up social work, there is already an acceptance of mistakes which I did in the past that surely I will never repeat the same mistakes again. I was just too weak to face the reality and my coping mechanism was too slow that I called it now as “I was been dysfunctional once.” with what I went through, it helped me now motivate, set my goals and I am getting my strength out of that mistakes.

I slowly understand why there are things in our life happened the way we don’t want it however, it helped us to be strong along the way and I already believed on “things always happens for a reason” we may not know the reason now but later of course we will find it out.

This is another battle of my life, another chapter to tackle with and I know whatever I have now is a big preparation of what I will be or what I will become in the future. 

Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.

It was late at night already, I planned to review and read my notes again for tomorrow’s prelim exam for economics and I just thought for a while to scan some files on my desktop where I have found the old pictures of one foundation where my mom was a part of implementing that institution. I have believed that she imparted her professional commitment, values and time to those neglected kids even how busy she was. Probably, those kids now, they are all grown-ups, they may have been owned a family, maybe.

I feel a little pressure in my life now because I know mom has given her vow to her profession though I know she’s not with us anymore but there are people still who believed that there would be someone in the family that will continue her legacy despite of the circumstances mom went through in her profession. They would always think of revenge but I don’t!  I am just bitter, yes.

I started to feel the anger, the hatred when I slowly take up the profession, when I have the chance to know the ethics of social work; it’s even getting harder every day. We’ve carried the pain for almost 15 years in my life! Memories reminded me what my mom was, subordinate and contemporaries of my mom helped me to trounce the pain but it’s not still enough I think. I know time heals but why can’t I feel that.

This is the moment of my life where I juggle to face the reality and acceptance. I kept myself all these years not to speak anything about the feelings that I had in the past but honestly I wanted to help myself to move on, to recover from that pain, disparity in life. I am in the process of knowing myself even better, I have forgiven those people whom have hurt my mom but the only thing that I asked God, I hope one day I will have the chance to talk to them when I am ready, when my heart says it’s about time. I wanted to voice out the pain that I have as a daughter that I hope their children will not encounter the pain I felt for the last 15 years.