Reality 8: Ang painting ni Jessica at interpretasyon

Ang dami kong namiss sa life ko!

It was Tuesday dumating ang pinadala na painting ni Jessica, (hongsweet ni jessica) Wednesday ko na nadala dahil sa lagnat kong yon, hindi ako nakapagwork. Tambay higa pahinga sa bahay para hindi mag-50/50 ang buhay. I am grateful that despite sa busy kong life, I still have friends I know pag-uwi ko na dyan lang sila behind the monitor lol cover lang? hindi ko pa man nakitang personal ang mga taong mahilig tumambay sa social network sites, parang ang tagal ko na rin silang kilala, paano nababasa ang kanilang kwento sa kanilang sariling blogsite, oh diba, always part tayo sa buhay ng isang tao kapag nagbasa tayo sa kanilang buhay. Echos!

Dahil labadami labango ako kaniinang umaga, ngayon lang ako makapag-update at ma-ipost itong painting na pinadala ni Jessica. Super touch ako dahil pinaghirapan niya gumawa nito kahit sa mga pinagdadaanan niya sa buhay and as I have promised I’ll give my personal interpretation sa drawing niya. This is just only based sa common theory at experience ko in regards to social psych rin, (nababasa at na-aapply slight)

Madalas sinasabi ng iba na theory lang ang pag-interpret ng mga bagay2x lalo na kapag sa guhit at sa painting pero lalabas ba ang theory kung wala silang pinagkukunan nito? Depende siguro. Sa isang institution ng mga bata, pag-guhit ang madalas na ginagawang activity sa kanila para maintindihan sila especially yong mga bata na hindi nagsasalita, nagddrawing, nagkukulay at base sa output nila, doon babasahin kung ano ang gusto nilang ipahiwatig.

Totoo yon kasi may isang bata nga na ayaw magsalita, laging tulala pero kapag binigyan mo ito ng papel, Crayola at lapis nagreresponse siya at alam niyo ano ang ginuhit ng bata? Isang bata at may isang malaking lalaki na may balbas, malapit lang ang isang bata at ang lalaki at doon nalaman ano ang nangyari sa kanya dahil may nakalagay na maliit lang na line doon banda sa ari ng lalaki, meaning ginalaw ang batang ito. Nag-in depth investigation at doon nga naconfirm na may nangyari ngang hindi Maganda.

Ito naman kay Jessica na painting, a combination of yellow, red, black and orange, napaka intense ng energy niya, madami siyang iniisip siguro sa mga panahon na ginawa niya itong painting, minsan kasi hindi natin napapansin pero subconscious natin ang nagtutulak gawin ang isang bagay. Ang kapal ng pagkapinta ni Jessica sa black at red orange,  parang ang init ng dating sa akin, may gusto siyang gawin or kunin pero hindi niya ito alam papano, saan magsisimula at paano magsisimula, gustong mapag-isa malayo sa madaming tao, ang isang tree, ito ay pwedi nating maging comfort kapag tayo ay nalulungkot, ang hangin na binibigay ng puno ay parang nakakarelax ito, nakakaalis ng stress at nakakatulong ito linawin ang ating isip especially kapag may mga decision tayo sa buhay ng kailangan natin panindigan, kaso ang tree ni Jessica ay maitim, isa lang ang nasa isip ko, naghahanap siya ng matatakbuhan.

Black- gustong mapag isa, sa isang kwarto kapag kulay itim lumiliit ito, kahit gano kalaki ang kwarto. May pagkamysteryosa itong Jessica hahaha she is conservative, sophisticated and she wants to find comfort. Melancholic ang kanyang approach sa painting.

Yellow – makulay ang buhay ni Jessica, yellow represents happiness, positive outlook sa buhay, nagbibigay siya ng liwanag sa ibang tao, nagiging strength siya sa iba kagaya yan ng isang sun nagbibigay liwanag sa atin. Definitely, creative si Jessica, gusto ng challenge na Gawain, and this yellow represents more of the brain rather than a heart.

Red – hyper si Jessica hahaha, confident definitely, strong at may pinaglalaban talaga puno ng pagmamahal ang batang ito at gustong magbigay ng pagmamahal sa ibang tao lalo na doon sa walang wala. 

To combine them all, super intense talaga ang painting, high ang energy level, ang lalim, may pinaghuhugotan, may pinagdadaanan, may gustong sabihin at kumukulo na ito sa kanyang isipan hindi na mahintay na ipahiwatig. lol hehehe 

Ang subconscious pala natin ang pinakamadaling example na kaya kong ibigay ay itong mga lalaking nambubugbog ng asawa, oo diba nageexist pa yan sila, kung tatanonin sila kung ang tatay ba nila ay binubugbog ang kanilang nanay, 7 out 10, oo ang sagot. Kahit hindi nila gusto gawin ang bagay na yan pero yan ang kinalakihan nila, lalabas at lalabas talaga yan. Nasa likod ng isip nila at nakikita nila yon habang sila ay lumalaki na normal lang ang pangbubogbog kaya ito ay ginagawa nila din sa kanilang mga asawa. Kung ang babae na nambubogbog ng lalaki, well baka may dahilan yan kung bakit!! Hahahaha jowk! Hehe

Maraming thank you kay jessica for sending this painting with message sa likod, ipapaframe ko ito. hehehe ito ang unang painting nareceived ko sa isang kaibigan na natagpuan sa social network sites hehehehe ito ay gawin kong inspirasyon para mas lalo ko pang pangarapin ang maging doctor sa pagtulong intindihin ang sarili (para naman as if naintindihan ko ang aking sarili! bwahahaha). char!! echos!! at patuloy pa rin ang aking supporta sa passion mo at walang duda na naniniwala ako sa iyong kakayahan na malayo ang mararating mo jes!!! thanks ng marami ulit. muah! 

Syah, ito na muna ngayon kasi maglilinis ulit na ako. Lol

 

Papaya you!

Gaano kato-too na ang papaya ay nakakawala ng libog? Kaya ba ang mga madre at pari sa kanilang bakuran ay maraming tanim na papaya? Para maiwasan ang libog at temptasyon? Lol ang panget ng intro ko, hahaha naisip ko lang itanong yan kasi bumili ako ng papaya kanina pauwi, timing kasi  na ang main road ng city, trapik dahil may prosesyon ng nazareno, kaya dumaan ako sa isang daan kung saan papuntang palengke at nagagandahan ako sa mga papaya, kaya bumili ako! Inggitera lang!

Kaya ito na kinakain ko na habang latag ang aking gagawin para sa documentation and photo docu sa upcoming event na leadership training seminar ng mga leaders sa iba’t ibang school ng buong Mindanao that offers the course social work.

Reality 3: ito na ang aking daan…pinagdadaanan

Reality 2: Part 1

Reality 2: Part 2

Lumiko ako minsan sa buhay ko, no worries hindi naman ako nag-drugs or nagbenta ng katawan. Lol umabot lang sa ponto na nagugulohan ako sa buhay ko, hindi ko alam ano ang gusto ko, sumabay pa ako sa problema ng mama ko at that time, I know I was selfish, immature and stupid.

Yong mama ko, was once a head sa isang government agency, my mom has also a strong personality, kung ano ako ngayon, yon talaga siya no more no less. Dahil sa strong personality na yan at sa pagiging committed sa trabaho, nakita niya ang kanyang mga staff na may corruption ng nagaganap, pinatawag, inayos. Tuloy ang buhay pero hindi na mauulit ang mga bagay na yong mga staff used to do, malaking pera yon, alam ko na ngayon kung bakit dahil gaya ng sabi ko tinahak ko rin ang profession niya.

Dahil sa galit at hiya nong mga staff na yon, nagkaron ng gulo, yong mga corrupt gumawa ng isang groupo para alisin ang mama ko sa position, may isang tao rin kasing gusto kunin ang position kaya gumawa ng mga eksena, naghanap ng butas. Ayaw ng mama ko ng gulo, nagresign kagad si mader, mga high school pa ako noon, mahirap kasi provided kami mula pagkabata hanggang lumaki until dumating ang problemang yan. Sumakay ang aming lawyer, binenta niya ang case namin sa kabila, umabot na nga kami ng supreme court eh. Alam niyo anong hirap dinaanan ko non, yong trauma na bawat mailman na dumarating sa bahay na nagdadala ng sulat galing sa mga court, nanginginig ako sa takot. That was ten years higit pa… walang kaluluwa ang mga taong gumawa non sa amin, kala mo sila lang ang kumakain.

Naging swerte si mommy right after that kasi tinanggap siya sa isang agency ulit where in yong mga pesteng corrupt na mga tao, dadaan sa kanyang mga kamay kasi hihingi ng tulong, nasa regional agency naman siya that time. Nakita ko ang hirap ng mama ko, yong iyak araw-araw, yong sakripisyo namin, yong adjustment lahat na. sa araw-araw ng buhay ko that time sabi ko hanggang kelan matatapos to, pano ako makakaganti. Hindi nacontento ang mga taong yon, naghanap ulit ng butas, nangyari na nga kinakatakotan namin. She left the service without nothing sa kamay niya after almost 36 years of service sa government. mga panahong yon, wala akong magawa, hindi ako makagalaw kasi kahit ako may issue rin sa sarili ko, gulong gulo ako. Napasok ako sa isang government agency at believe it or not, it’s the same agency  saan ang mama ko nagttrabaho pero hindi sa city, sa isang province naman but kapag may regional meetings, nagaabot ang mga tao sa municipality, city at province.

dito nagsimula ang lahat, i was so bitter din kahit noon pa man. hindi ko alam kung dahan-dahan ba akong nakamove-on sa pinagdaanan ko kasi looking back, i was really angry until slowly huminahon ako... 

June 2011July 2011August 2011September 2011

Si mommy noon pa man gusto niya akong mag-aral na ng social work, pero hindi ako handa sa mga panahong yon, hindi ko pa alam ano ang para sa akin at gulong gulo pa rin ako. Araw-araw, lagi niya sinasabi “alam ko  nasa isip mo, hinding hindi mo magawa ang gusto mo kapag hindi ka mag-aral ng social work” tahimik ako palagi kapag ang mama ko na nagsasalita. The painful there was before she died, siguro months, she said “be a social worker para isang araw, you will tell those people right in front of their face na anak ako ni… and what now?!” lagi na niya yon sinasabi even before then pero that year, months before she died I already decided na mag-aaral na ako ng social work, magsstart na ako ng summer.  

It was really painful when the last memory na lagi kong maalala is yong sinabi niyang balikan ko yong mga taong umapi sa kanya, sa amin. Paulit ulit nasa utak ko yan hanggang ngayon.

Gusto ng mama ko na Makita ako ng mga taong umapi sa amin na may natira pa rin sa pamilya namin, na ako daw ang tatayo para sa kanya, ako ang tatapos sa laban na binitiwan niya minsan. Sobrang bigat yan at pilit ko mang burahin sa utak ko, napapaniginipan ko ang mama ko, alam ko hindi pa siya tahimik until I will get that license. (may board exam kasi ang social work)

Kaya habang nag-aaral ako ngayon, lagi kong dinidream at hinihingi na sana mag-top ako sa board exam (ambisyosa ako ano pero kailangan kong gawin to) kasi ito lang ang alam kong pwedi masabi ng lahat na ang anak ni… sumunod din sa yapak ng mama niya. May legacy na naiwan ang mama ko dito at yan ang pressure sakin ngayon. Todo kayod ako sa pag-aaral na hindi ko naman ginagawa noon, ayoko nga magbasa ng libro noon, maganda pa ang books noon kasi hard bound, may pictures, glossy pa pero  ngayon kahit photocopy lang kasi wala kaming libro sa social work talaga, pinagttyagaan kong basahin para isang araw pagdating ng board exam, maabot ko ang gusto ko at mabandera ang mukha ko sa harap ng opisina nong mga taong pesteh! (oo, paglabas kasi nila sa opisina eh paaralan ko na, kapag may pumasa sa course namin, ang laki ng tarp nakalagay kasi kami lang din ang nag-offer ng social work dito sa city namin.)

At ang masakit pa, isa sa mga anak nong taong umapi sa amin, eh classmate ko. Araw-araw lagi ko naalala yong iyak ng mama ko, hirap at lahat. hindi ko man masabi sa kanya ng diretso kasi bangayan ng magulang yon eh wala siyang alam pero ang pinapakain ng magulang niya sa kanya ay yong pera nakaw sa gobyerno. Kaya slight nalang ang ginagawa ko, kapag nagrereport siya, bonggang bombah na questions ang tinitira ko yong the whole period hindi siya makaupo lol

Ang buhay ay iikot talaga parang earth nga lang kasi isipin niyo kapag makuha ko yong license, isang araw malaking chance na magkakaharap kami dahil parehas na kami ng profession. Siguro sa panahong yan, matatahimik na rin ang mama ko, kasi hanggang ngayon alam ko, hindi pa niya natapos ang mission niya dito sa mundo. In fact when she died, nagparamdam siya sa close friend nya, nagusap sila sa panaginip, umiiyak ang mama ko, ang sabi niya ayoko pang mamatay kasi may gagawin pa ako pero ang katawan ko bumigay na. it crashed me kasi alam ko ano pa ang kulang at hanggang ngayon dala-dala ko yan, tawa lang ako ng tawa sa araw-araw sa mga comment na nakikita niyo pero deep inside me, ito ang reality ko sa buhay ko.

Itutuloy…

There's always a light within

Matutulog na sana ako but when I checked my fb account, may nakatag sa akin na picture from a friend and an advocator of the cdo street tutorial, he made an article and published in Cagayan times (metroSpect). May ganito na pala sa city, napaka insensitive ko ata before lels! Ngayon ko lang nalaman ang magazine na ito, nag-eexist pala. Haha sorry kasi ang nababasa ko madalas eh ibang mag at newspaper. Pero natuwa ako dahil yong Christmas party sa cdo street tutorial eh na-featured, yong picture na napost ko sa aking blog (sila ang kukulay ng ating pasko) yon ang ginamit para sa article. Yong nakapink na nakatayo ako nga yon! Lels! Walang duda, kasing taba ng puso ko ang katawan ko! Hahaha

I would to thanked and congratulate everyone! All of us, part tayo dito and the learning I got from this experience will surely go a long way from here. a part of me will always be to those kids who gave me a reason to smile and help me push my dream more.

here's the link for the article (MetroSpect-The CAGAYAN TIMES)

 

Ano ang reality mo sa buhay ngayon...

Ang isshare ko now – reality check sa buhay. Iba kasi nagtapos ang araw ko kahapon sa office and naconnect sa usapan namin ng sissy ko when we went out last night. i know that we have our own fields sa buhay, kanya-kanyang profession, gusto at hilig. Pero tanong ko, isa lang, haha what do you know about the profession na social worker? As in registered social worker? I just laughed when people answered na taga bigay ng bigas, relief kapag may disaster! Ganon lang yon? Hahaha may bagong trend naman ngayon, kapag sinabi social worker konek right away sa 4ps teh! Hahaha hindi ha! It’s beyond that sa totoo lang hehehe "from womb to tomb" sabi ng iba kasi lahat ng social problems, yon ang hinaharap namin! lels! kinarer! I cannot read mind and thoughts but I can assess bakit ang isang tao naging problema sa society natin, bakit may mga bata nasa institution, mga taong palaboy, addict etc... Saka na yang lecture na yan haha let’s go back. I  just wanted to share this para maiba naman, hindi emo ang ikukwento ko, hindi rin joke! Haha lels!

In the office we deal with a lot of social problems, everyday different situations, people and stories. Maawa ka minsan, maiinis ka. So kailangan malaking unawa para maintindihan sila pero teh! Minsan talaga dahil tao lang tayo, nagagalit ka rin and hindi mo maiiwasan ang situation na yan, walang santo sa mundo, if meron man pakilala mo sakin! Hahaha

About to end na kahapon, around 3:30 pm, may babae dumating, yong kasama ko talked to her, chika galore, humihingi ng pambayad sa hospital kasi nanganak! Ok naintindihan ang aspeto na iyan, PERO siya na yong nanganak, siya pa ang naghahanap ng pambayad ng hospital. Siya ha na kakapanganak pa lang, yong kasama kong kumausap sa kanya, nakikita ko na ang mukha na ALAM ko na! alam ko ng naiinis na siya.

Umalis ang babae… after 30 minutes bumalik.

May problema si ateh ulit! Wala silang pagkain. At take note, siya ulit ang pumasok sa opisina na kakapanganak pa, yong anak niya nasa hospital, naka-incubator pa. imagine? Siya na kakapanganak siya pa ang humingi ulit ng pagkain, siya ang magbibitbit ng bigas na ibibigay ng opisina. Ang tanong SAAN ANG ASAWA niya?! My officemate keep on asking saan ayaw niya magsalita, AT!!! Hindi lang pala unang anak yon teh! Wag ng itanong sakin kasi alam kong mas kukulo ang dugo niyo! Hahaha everyday ganyan ang mga situations na-eencounter namin, and slight pa lang yan, minsan may mga mentally challenge na nagdadala ng bomba-bombahan daw iyon at pasasabogin ang opisina namin, kuh teh! Nakakalukah! Kaya nakakastress talaga sa opes!

Si kapated naman ay isang nars!

Na-assign sa isang government hospital. Unang field, sa ob ward (different gov’t hospital) ngayon nasa suite room naman (another gov’t hospital) sa OB ward, sabi niya, laging no stock ang nakalagay sa mga resita ng pasyente niya so kailangan bilhin sa labas. Matagal daw bumabalik ang nauutusan bumili ng gamot, hindi lang minsan, madalas yan. Maya ko na kwento kong bakit, bitin slight muna teh! ngayon sa suite room naman, hindi daw sila naglalagay ng NS dahil iba ang policy.  Dahil nasa suite room sila, walang rason hindi sila makakabili ng gamot. (Check!) yong sa ob ward naman, matagal bumabalik kasi walang pambili, kailangan pang hanapin, at utangin sa mga kapitbahay nila o kamag-anak para mabili ang gamot kahit mefenamic lang yan, oo mefenamic pain reliever that cost na wala pang ten pesos pero walang pambili. Reality like this must see the government pero ewan ko ba! Nasa gobyerno ako at nakikita ko anong systema nila, wala ako sa position to raise that issue. The government turn deaf about it, as always! Our political system ay isang malaking factor na nakakahinder ng development sa community. (ma-shoot to kill na ako nito! Haha tama nayan!)

Sabi ni kapated, kapag sa ward nagkamali ang isang nars, wala ng tanong ang mga pasyente, pero kapag yong mga pasyente nasa suite room at nagkamali ang nars, nagrereklamo. Those patients or clients as common we used, sa opisina yan pumupunta kapag wala ng pambayad, we can assess them, we can link them to other line agency na pwedi tumulong sa kanila. Minsan ‘tong si kapatid, dahil sa awa ng mga patients niya sa ob ward dati, marunong ng gumawa ng love letter para sakin stating na “ate, please help kasi kawawa naman!” ganyan ang feeling at ugali namin kasi pinalaki at pinakain kami ng isang social worker licensed, yong nanay ko! Oo, yong mommy ko ay isang social worker kaya alam namin bakit may taong mayaman at mahirap, iba-iba ang ugali, pananaw sa buhay, gusto sa buhay, saan galing ang mga problema nila etc.. Pero ang lahat-lahat ay isang choice, a choice to be made na yan ang gusto mo maging sa sarili mo. amen! Hahaha

May acido ata sa dugo ko

I am trying to hold my patience to peple na walang ginawa but to pull you down, doesn’t like what you do, naiinggit, at ayaw magpatalo sa mga simpleng bagay. Gusto ko man harapin ang mga taong ganyan, I just can’t. tan-eneng minsan tong new course pinasukan ko dahil the first principle is “acceptance” tanggapin lahat ng tao dahil bawat tao ay unique, may kanya-kanyang ugali at values na pinamana ng mga magulang nila, this principle hold my values, nurtured me to be a better person din! Pigil na pigil na ako sa lagay na ito ha! Hahaha I just don’t care anymore what other people say this time, hindi tulad dati na super reaction paper ako, iyak kagad, ganon ako ka-weak, ngayon nasobrahan, naging bato slight! Para lang sa mga tao yan na makapal ang mukha!! Pero sa mga tao, bata at matanda nasa daan or institution, kung pwedi lang ayaw ko ng tingnan o kausapin kasi di ko mapigilan umiyak! Hahaha chos!! Totoo! Walng jowk! Hahaha hindi ko kayah teh!!

Mahapdi ang mga dugo na dumadaloy sa katawan ko now! meganun talaga! Dagdag pa ang background na kanta “I’m almost over you!” lenteks na pag-eemo nakakadala nga! Ayoko na nito! Dumudugo na pati ilong ko! Hindi na ako bitter sa pagkakaalam ko pero nakakamiss naman yong tao minsan, the things you two used to do! (alam ko ang nasa isip mo, hindi yon! Oki? Hahaha) aray na aray ako talaga ngayon! Hahaha bakit ba kasi may background music pa while nagbblog ako! Dagdag hapdi sa katawan lang! kahapon until kanina, slight inis na inis ako sa kasama kong pakialamera tapos ng dahil sa kanta, ito shifted into different mood. Resilient ako eh walang makikialam! Hahaha Parang gusto ko ‘tong mood na emo-emohan kaysa nagagalit ako, tatanda ako maaga teh!! Hahaha malapit na akong maiyak dito sa opisina dahil dito sa “can’t you see – tiffany” hahahaha pigil na pigil na ako mga teh!! Malapit na talaga to!!

Stop, stop, stop… ayoko na! hahaha tanggap ko na ha, in fairness to me, but heller naman baket di ko pa masyadong kereh ang mga love songs!! Mag 2013 na at mag-vavalentines na naman! Hahahaha ang bilis ng panahon! Wag lang mag end of the world, okay lang mag pag-asa pa! hahaha shonganga na ako, iba ang introduction ko sa ending phase ko!! Hahahaha ayaw pa rin tumigil ng kanta, kailangan ko na ata burahin ang mga kantang ‘to! Hahaha cold feet and hands ang nakukuha ko ngayon! Walang effect ang kapeh-kat na ininom ko habang ginagawa ko to!

Basta yan na yan ngayon, hahaha

Napaisip ka rin ba nito?

I was reading the breaking news about the Connecticut shooting and it squeezed my heart. I am trying to hold up my tears while hearing the stories of the victims’ family. Innocent kids I remembered to be described by my late mother as “angels” for they were the ones, who light up the room, gave joy and happiness to parents. The world I believed is already in extreme confusion.

The news said that the gunman was troubled, he has a personality disorder and I know the mom did not denied it, in fact the mother was willing to help her child if needed. Kahit mahirap ang pilipinas, mayaman naman tayo sa values, pagmamahal ng pamilya. Pero minsan, hindi ko rin nakikita yan dahil madami pa ring mga bata nasa daan, napabayaan. Sa America, instant na ang lahat, completo pa, at advance sa mga technolohiya.

I believed in family is the basic unit in the society, it is the basic sa lahat ng bagay, ang pamilya din ang isa sa factor na bumuo ng pagkatao natin, kung ano ang values ng mga magulang natin ito ay nakukuha natin. Malamang, maraming tao sa mundo ngayon, hindi nakikita ang bagay na yan, but, I can say this kapag buo ang pamilya, maayos, wala ng masyadong social problems – wala ng prostitution, nakaw, street kids etc. kung sama-sama ang pamilya, magtutulongan walang imposible na maging maayos din ang anak nila.

Bakit ang isang doctor na tatay, may doctor na anak. Isang lawyer na tatay or nanay, may lawyer din na anak? Dahil ang anak ay laging tinitingala ang kanilang magulang. Isa na rin ako doon, ang mama ko ay isang social worker, at ako ngayon ay inaabot ang profession na yan. Madami akong tanong noon at hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin nasasagot ang iba! Hahaha tan-enah! Unending question na talaga!

Sa America, kapag ang anak is in troubled, the state would see and blame it sa mga magulang kagad, sensitive sila na nasa magulang ang problema, kaya madalas ang mga ganyang case, napupunta sa counselling center para ma-iayos ang kailangan ayosin bago magkaron ng another problem. Dito sa pilipinas, walang ganyan. Kapag problematic ang anak, pinapagalitan! Ang anak pa ang sinisisi minsan dahil sadyang gagu or ugali na talaga! Hahaha that reality naman oo! Pero hindi sensitive ang mga magulang na ganyan ang kanilang anak dahil na rin sa kanila, kung ano ang nakikita ng anak while he is growing up, yan din ang gagawin kahit ang iba sasabihin na hindi ako tutulad sa mga magulang ko pero subconsciously speaking, nangyayari. One example I can share is yong tatay na nanapak ng anak at babae, pustahan tayo, nong bata pa yang tatay na yan, nakikita niya na ang nanay at tatay niya ay nagsasapakan kaya he used to it, he thinks that tama and okay lang. kaya like I have said, the world now is in extreme confusion and values is fading.

Pablo Pablito Pabling

I traveled 4 municipalities yesterday and that took me a day. itong si Pablo gave reasons to people to panic. Lels!! I congratulate all the disaster team for the preparedness because in our city and province walang casualties like we had with sendong. Now they are doing better than before, now people learned their lessons too.

It was a hell fun when I got the chance to travel in our municipalities. Yesterday was different in all the travels I had in the past. My officemate said I was like hitting two birds in one stone because I brought with me my closest friends from school to conduct an interview to solo parents in the municipalities. While I was doing my job delivering the relief goods, I accompany them to visit the local social welfare office to interview a focal person on solo parents. I did my job as an employee; I also did my homework as a student. Hahaha simpleng diskarte lang yan!! I have to do it wala akong choice I have been very busy with this Pablo. Naku! Hahaha

I just couldn’t take this out of my head when my boss called me that morning. Like he said – ok ibigay mo kay mayor yan and “magpakodak!” ka ha, (take picture with the mayor) hahaha i tried not to laugh while talking to my boss hahaha he could have said it like “magpapicture ka ha” tan-enay!! Hahaha my boss can’t still get out of his head that “Kodak” hahaha he is not old though.

While on our way, nakakatakot because we were in the military truck and going to the municipality where doon daw sila nagkaroon ng ambush! When the driver told me that, don’t you think hindi ka maparanoid? Hahaha and he even added that “military truck at may sakay na army, mainit sa mga mata ng mga npa yan!” nah!!! In my thoughts. I wonder what would be my face when that will happen, or what will I do in case may npa nga, at saan ako pupunta. Hahaha it’s really fun thinking about it!! Hahaha

No school today. Yes!!! Feast of Immaculate Conception! Oh yeah!! Now I love My RVM School. Hahaha

That feeling you will never forget

Maniwala or hindi! Ang professor ko ay isang classmate ng nanay ko since 1^st year college until 4^th year sila! Tan-ena! bohahaha they are really good friends sabi nitong professor ko. Yeah, before he became my professor, I heard a lot already about him from my late mother. Almost 35 years since college day’s nila! Woo! Lahat ng sabi ng nanay ko, sinabi din ng professor ko, nyay! Sa harap pa ng buong klase! They don’t have any past, I know kasi I can read between the lines naman, so wala, wala naman akong narinig either.

I just couldn’t believe that all the things my mom did noon, inaani ko ang kabutihan niya today. This professor keeps telling everybody in the class that, yong nanay ko ang inu-utangan nila kapag wala silang pera kasi my mom is very lucky that time dahil yong tatay niya (lolo ko) eh president ng del monte Philippines before that’s why may kaya sila at ang nanay ko yata daw ang walang problema sa pera. I remember mom told me before that this professor I have now he will just eat “kamote” kasi wala pang pera na pinadala galing sa probinsya. Ngayon? Successful na siya sa profession niya, he managed almost 300 people I think in his department sa dswd. Would you believe that? At its always in my mind what my mom told me that this professor, nangongopya pa dati sa case studies nila just to submit requirements. It’s so funny kasi today everybody respects him, kinakatakotan at dekalidad na tao na si sir! Hahaha but si sir, he admitted to the class that when he was in college, yong mommy ko ang kinokopyahan nila! Tan-enas nuh!!

What happened to them way back in college, it happened the same with me today. It just so happened that I already have a job while studying again, that’s why yong mga classmates ko rin kapag gipit sila minsan, they would ask sa akin if I have spare. Anak talaga ako ng mommy ko! Hahaha I walked the same path she did!

This professor can’t stop saying good things to my mom kasi I know he is very grateful dahil sa oras ng kagipitan my mom was there for them to rescue and stayed with them sa hirap at ginhawa. I always feel that gratefulness and I am proud of what mom did to them. Tama ang sabi ni mommy that bilog ang mundo, dahil hindi all the time nasa baba ang isang tao, dahil nasa baba man siya ngayon, bukas nasa taas naman siya! ganon daw talaga ang buhay! and i stand to believe on that matter!

Pressure is in me now! Activated! Nganga ako nito!! I need to double time pa kasi kahit mom is not with us anymore, ayoko pa ring mapahiya ang mommy ko! Hahaha mataas ang expectation ng lahat tan-ena ang word na expectation! Nyay! Lels! Hahaha He is old now, almost 65 years old and about to retire that’s why he took the opportunity to teach in order to pass what he learned, no one follow his footstep kasi his daughter took the other road of success. When I told this professor, “I took up social work because I want to continue the legacy mom left us” and the only thing he said “dapat lang may susunod sa pamilya niyo!” (may slight tampo pa ang boses ni sir address to his daughters! Lels!) and if it’s possible to run fast to reach that goal, ginawa ko na! lels!

Libro over YOU

Libro? There are a lot of people na sobrang galing when it comes to memorizing the books, lessons, theories, principles, etc. pero pagdating sa real na buhay? Bagsak! Books are only our basis, foundation of learning, but experience is the best teacher of all. I am not intelligent but I know i can do something beyond what I read in books and what my teachers taught me in school. Minsan it's in our values also on how we treat other people, how we learn in life. my course? This represents reality, true to life stories and real sentiments of the people..

I hate reading books but I have to dahil mataas ang expectation ng ibang tao sa akin, yes, I don’t have to live up with that expectations but para na rin sa sarili ko, ayokong mapahiya! I am older, mga teenager yong mga classmates ko, I am working in the government in an agency where this course will put me. They are really expecting that alam ko kahit I know for myself na hindi lahat ng bagay ay alam ko at kaya ko.

here’s one to ponder…

a boy came home from school, he got an excellent award in English from his teacher, he told his daddy about it. This boy had a Spanish yaya named maria, the boy told his yaya na may ganitong award ka ba? And the yaya noded. The boy asked his yaya again, do you know how to speak English well? Again his yaya, noded. The boy went back to his daddy and sabi niya, I am good, I am the best and why is it maria doesn’t know how to speak in English? she is old, she must know it.

His dad went to the library with the boy…

The father grabbed a book in his shelf, he opened it and ask the boy, do you know how to read this? The boy answered, NO! sabi ng daddy niya, you know how to speak in English, maria doesn’t, but maria knows to speak in Spanish very well and you don’t. The boy was silent…

This means that hindi lahat ng bagay ay alam natin, we have our own strength but we also have our weaknesses. We may be good at some things but not for all the things. Yan ang totoo sa buhay, it’s not because you are good in science, magaling ka na gumawa ng drugs! Lels! Hahaha that boy realized it and kapag may achievement yong boy, he always remembered maria dahil hindi lahat ng bagay ay magaling tayo!

 

How will you understand them?

One of the challenges I encountered every day in my life especially in the office is yong you are talking to different people and hearing different sentiments in their life, I may say we have problems but if we look into the bigger picture, there are more na mas mabigat at mahirap ang problema if you are just sensitive enough to lend your ears.

There are a lot of cases every day, there are also common, but one thing I assure you is, they have different stories. You know, if you are a psychology graduate or studying psych, social work or even sociology you will understand most of the things that Is happening around us, we are sensitive to things, situations and even our own family situations, we are very careful to that. But to those na walang background, it doesn’t matter at all, other people in the rural to be specific, their only priority is mapakain ng tatlong beses ang pamilya nila in one day, swerte na yon if three meals na.

I met a lot of people already, mayaman at mahirap, pero isa lang ang narealize ko all this time working, pare-pareho tayo ng nararamdaman when our immediate family goes to the hospital, walang mahirap at mayaman if you have a deadly disease. The difference between the government hospital and the private, it’s too big, pero hindi lahat ng nakaprivate hospital, lahat nakakabayad, dahil sa laki ng bill, kailangan mangutang or magsangla ng property para mailabas ang kanilang pasyente. Sa government naman, maliit ang bayad, madami ka pang pweding puntahan to pay the remaining amount of the bill pero kailangan mong mag-tiis at makipagsiksikan sa hospital.

One of the most challenging cases I have handled is yong nag-lalabor, young age, teenager, may ka-live in partner at ang haharap sayo, mga magulang pa rin nila and when you ask them a question “how old are you nanay when you had your first child?!” ang sagot “kasing edad ng anak kong nanganak, mam!” history repeats itself?! tama ba ako? Oo kasi yon ang nakikita nila, yon ang naririnig nila and these children thought that it’s right, minsan ang iba they made an excuse na hiwalay ang magulang at kailangan nila ng kasama. Ikaw, pano mo isipin ang ganyang situation? Is it acceptable? Reasonable? Justifiable? Ako, depende yan, kasi there are cases naman na rape victim, nabuntis, hindi acceptable pero walang may gustong ma-rape!

May mas challenging at nakakainis sa lahat, 42 years old, gave labor to her 13^th child, kasabay ang anak niyang naglalabor din for her 1^st child, means apo na niya yon. Ngayon, kaya  mo bang intindihin ang mga taong tulad nila? Then the person na haharap sa’yo is yong tatay na parang wala lang, they don’t even think of ano ang ipapakain nila sa anak nila. They are just one of those kind of people na na-eencounter ko every day sa buhay ko, this gave me the reason to aim more, dream hard para one day, I know I can’t change the world, I can’t change everything but at least I could share something that is worth to live in this world.

This sharpens your brain!

With my allergy attack na naging super OA na, nakapag-absent ako sa work! Pffftt! While at home, I take the chance to finish watching the “suits” I so love both of them, Harvey and mike! Can’t stop, it’s addictive. I should finish the complete season 2 if weren’t for my classmates who texted me that we have a class by 4pm to 5:30 instead of 5:30-8:30. Caught in the middle! I only have 30 minutes to prepare myself, it’s 3:00 and I know I will be late.

after ritual and preparation... umalis na ako ng bahay.

Malas pa! I was waiting for a taxi pero wala! None pass infront of me!! Can you actually believe that in a city!? Ohh shaaxx!! It leaves me no choice but to ride a jeepney, in the middle of the city, there goes the traffic jam! When I realized I can’t get through with it, I stop, bumaba ako! I look for a motorcycle and shits again, no one is available to take me to school, it’s not their route, so I decided again to look for taxi, it took me 3 minutes waiting, oh thank I thought God wouldn’t answer my prayer!

I arrived 4:25 pm at the gate and I know I am sooo late with that, it’s the first day of class, my major! Shit I thought! Hahaha i ran into the lobby, up to the third floor, hiningal pa ako! When Im about to reach the classroom door, here’s the checker! (super inday as we call her, because she does a lot of things, she’s good, before you say it, she handed it to you!) for the faculty attendance, and boom! “you are super late!” I just couldn’t say something kasi hiningal pa ako! I got in, and guess what? Hindi pa nagsisimula yong clase! Nagtaxi pa ako! Hahaha Nagbayad ng 70 pesos para hindi ako malate! Sayang! Inisip ko nalang na kinain ko yong 70 pesos at hindi na ako nagdinner sa school para tipid na rin! Hahaha

Si Harvey at mike lang ang pwedi kong i-blame sa nangyari! I got hooked with episodes 1-8. I finished the 9 and 10 when I got home. Episode 9 broke me! I cried I felt it! It’s all done now, going to miss them until January of 2013. You must see it! It sharpens your brain! It did to me! Hahaha

Soft inside hard outside

I tried to rationalize everything that is happening in my life. This is my way of coping up, it worked for me, oo nag-work and nagstand out ako but sometimes I could still feel the pain inside me, I just don’t want to show it, I don’t even say it because knowing myself na matapang, pinanindigan ko talaga yan! I am strong pero mas mabilis akong umiyak! Mind you! Lels!! Hahaha I don’t know why ganon, maybe it’s already inside my heart na super soft ako pero hard lang akong tingnan! Hahaha

I was hurt and I tried to fight that, I cried and that’s enough for now. I understand that if its not meant to be, then its not. There are really things in life na hindi talaga pwede, we just need to accept that, it will hurt us but this will help us to grow, to believe in second chances. Slowly I am trying to understand myself, I learn to love myself even more because if I am not this strong matagal na siguro akong bumigay, with those problems na dinaanan ko at ng pamilya ko it made me stronger, mas nagiging fighter din ako when mom died. I stood for the family no matter what, kung dati I don’t speak, I don’t say what’s in my heart, ngayon all those things na hindi ko nagawa noon, I am doing it now.

At this stage in my life, ang daming nareveal na ugali na hindi ko nakita noon, and I am seeing my mother sa mga ugali ko ngayon, maybe because I grew up seeing her always, the success sa career niya, how to handle people na may problema at kailangan maging matapang ka everytime you listen to their problems. When I studied social work, life changed and i am more appreciative this time, I kept myself on the ground, I refrain from judging people and lahat ng yon nakita ko rin sa mommy ko, that’s why after a long journey sa buhay ko, I stand to follow her profession, to believe in change and to touch the lives of the people and that change won’t be possible to others if you don’t start it within you.

Mom is just around, i know.

Since mom left us, the three of us, yesterday, I, my father and sissy went to another comfort zone. My father drives to his brother to play chess, my sister went to my mother’s only and younger sister (just back of our house) and I, left alone at home. It’s been a year and a half since mom died and I could still feel her around the house, or maybe because when she was still alive, I used to have that feeling even if I kept myself inside my room most of the time, I know she’s just outside reading or taking her cup of tea. Now, sitting on my bed inside my room, reading blogs or updating fb status, my feeling doesn’t change at all, she’s still outside sitting on her favourite chair. I can’t let go of that feeling yet, not now or maybe not ever.

While growing up, I understand why mom keep on banging us, what I am now it is because of the love and values she taught us. Most of the people will tell I have a strong personality, so as my mom, strong but we both have a soft spot in our hearts, it just doesn’t show. Just dig and you will know. It’s always true to tell about “kung ano puno ay siya ring bunga!” and my father, sissy and I take that as a joke like “walang mangga magkaroon ng bunga na bayabas!” so much of avoidance, I still follow my mom’s footstep after all this time. It’s been a long search of myself, a long journey before I came to realize that this is what I want to be in my life, to be a registered social worker just like my mom. I am happy of what I become now, the people that surround me gave me enough strength to go on with my dreams and make that dream come true.

One day, I know mom will be happy with the choice I made in my life, the road I walk into and to continue her legacy. I always know I can do more than what she did because she believes in that, she always tells me that. I grew up believing that one day, I can do better than what I just saw and heard from my mother. Whatever I did now, this is because she gave me the strength to pursue the life I deserve.

We are all going there... old age.

One afternoon of October 4, 2012, i was going to school and I come to pass by an old lola in the corner of the street who is trying to fix something, she tried to bend as she could to reach the newspaper with her faeces inside and that really strikes me a lot. The moment I saw the lola, i shook my head and there’s a lot of questions poke my head that I myself could not even answer for I know there are a lot of possible reasons to my questions. I was really hurt seeing far behind the lola who is helping herself to fix the mess that I myself can’t help her. I know she could still think of cleaning it before she will be reprimanded by some authority and she has no choice but she has to do it by herself. 

I don’t know who’s to blame, we don’t even know what’s really the reason behind why that lola is on the street. One thing I know with our Filipino culture, we are obliged to take care of our parents and grandparents, we may have something to give or doesn’t have at all. It is part of our values also that has been instilled that no matter what, we have to attend them. It really strikes me until now, It was one of the social issues that open my eyes to reality that gave me some hint on what I can do more in the future and with the profession I have chosen.

If only their voices have been heard, I know how happy they will feel when they know that before they die they are secured already. Everybody is going to where they are now, I don’t think each individual can afford to be like them, sleeping on the streets without blanket, they eat once a day and has no bed to take a rest. I don’t know why government cover their eyes and ears on this matter; I don’t think they still have to wait that somebody will raise that issue to give these street grandparents a home to stay. They just don’t want it because they can’t use or help for their political or electoral agenda. But their prayer does!! Mom told me once “kapag bata nasa daan, madaming pupulot, pero kapag matanda, wala!” and now that I have grown up, I certainly agree to my mother.

Constructive Self-improvement

Whooaa!!! I need a shock absorber now!! as in now na!! and I just thought of blogging it rather than telling it to somebody. There’s no issue actually, it’s just a matter of misunderstanding and definitely there is just perception barrier between two parties. Anyway, that’s over now.

What I am amazed now is that, I never taught that I have changed in time, I definitely learned to control my temper, anger in some situations that arises unexpectedly. Well life has taught me a lot now, it helped me to weigh things out and personally, I learned to accept criticism for a personal self-improvement.

It’s has been a heavy day knowing that there were issues that has been brought up that I for myself don’t have any idea that it was an issue already. You know what I mean? There were just maybe gestures, reactions that other people may perceive it wrongly. No hard feelings. People come to respond from their action that has been shown or the words that has been spoken, sometimes it always differ with the approach we’ve shown to other people. One should just be resilient in accepting things the way they are or ought to be.

It’s just a mixed of emotion, I am not confused now, I am not even angry or mad, maybe what I have understand with my feelings presently is I am just wondering what really went wrong but the good thing then is, there’s a clear closure on some issues. Thanks to the people who are open minded and willing to accept constructive criticism for self-improvement. 

pangyayaring asahan natin minsan

Ngayon lang ako mabubuhay ulit sa blogsphere. Dahil sa pagod ko kahapon, galing klase at nagpizza parteh kami, sinulit ko ang buong araw makapagpahinga total bukas wala naman pasok dahil holiday. Gumigising lang ako para kumain at tulog ulit. Baboy!! Hahaha ano naman talagang bumawi ako ng tulog at pahinga kasi matagalan na naman magkaron ng long weekend, sabay madami pang gagawing assignments ngayon. Bukas sisimulan ko ng isa-isahin ang naiwan na trabaho para hindi ako magmamadali sa Tuesday.

Malapit na rin ang midterms and I need to prepare more this time para hindi ma-disappoint pag dating ng result sa exam. haha it’s already a great opportunity na sa akin to go to school again kasi may experience na ako at applicable lahat, vice versa kung baga kasi after school I could apply it right away sa trabaho what I have learned. though honestly now, I have confusion already, madaming nagbago, madami akong nakitang mali at inisa-isa ko para I could cope uo the with situations, I know I need to seek professional help para maintindihan ko rin ang mga nangyayari sa akin. Hindi naman ako mentally ill or may problema sa pagiisip only that there will be a time sa buhay natin na nagugulohan tayo at normal lang yon.

I always have this positive view in life now compared noon, I know I can handle what bothers sa utak ko, sa mga situation na nangyayari, nagugulohan ako kasi the way I worked noon is too far different now, if I feel the contentment sa work ko noon in handling the clients who have problems in life, ngayon atrasado na ako kasi sa dami ng nalearn ko sa school I am afraid to be the same person noon which in school taught me what are the proper ways of dealing or handling clients.

And moments like this, ito ang surely I miss with my mom because wala akong mapagtanongan kung bakit at she could never guide me what to do, sariling sikap na ako ngayon, pilitin intindihan ang mga bagay na minsan wala ka rin namang sagot sa mga tanong mo, minsan kailangan mo rin magpretend na kaya mo para hindi ka malunod sabay sa mga problema at mga pagdududa at the last na nalearn ko sa buhay, kailangan mong isipin na lahat kaya mo kahit sa simula pa lang may takot ka ng gawin ang mga bagay na minsan hindi mo maisip na kaya mong gawin!! 

epekto ng pizza parteh

kagigising ko lang at ituloy ko ang kwento sa red lepztek na yan sa pizza parteh. after round 1 sa kainan ito ang naging mukha sa pizza, kahit barako ang mga kasama at hebegat man hindi pa rin namin kinayang ubosin ang buong 30 inches na pizza. so ito ang mukha after round 1. 

dahil busog na kami, si isang sekseng malusog na kasama namin yong best buddy ko since high school, she thought of magtrip kaming maglepztek na kay pulang pula at dahil in nature hindi ako naglelepztek ng ganito kapula nagmumukha akong barakang bakla!! punyetas diba!! hahaha oh well katuwa at ngayon pinagpepyestahan sa facebook ang mga pictures, so ito ang simula.

dahil allergy ako sa kung anong ek2x na nilalagay sa mukha ko ngayon hindi ako nakaligtas dahil apat lang kaming girlaloh at ito ang nagawa namin after. mga punyetas talagang nag effort kumuha ng documentation para lang may mapagusapan hahahaha itong dalawang yan gustong gusto pang maging pulang pula yong lips ko kaya pinagtutulongan ako ayaw akong tantanan!! tuwang tuwa naman ako on the other hand kasi puro nalang kami tawanan at kalandian!!  

resulta sa walang magawa

para akong tanga hahaha 

pinagpose ko nalang sila
 ng sila lang hahaha

di ko alam bakit ako
nafront page pa dito haha

at hindi lang ako ang pinagtripan, ito ang mga kasama naming mga tunay na lalaki!! they have their own style para lumandi, makuha lang sa tingin!! mas malandi pa ang mga lalaki kung ikokompara sa amin!! mas may guts at may future pang maging bekey kung sakali!! hahaha ilaladlad ko na rin ang winner si mr. chudebels ang lalaking jonakis at jarako!! nakukuha niya sa tingin ang lahat, magandang jokla pag maisipan niyang lumihis ng landas!! hehehe 

ito ang super panalo!! MR. Chudebels!!

it's more fun to be in the philippines talaga!! we got it all right for our own reasons!! sa susunod na update ulit!!