Special Connection between the two

It’s been ten years since the last time sinipag akong magblog lol

Hindi ko rin alam now kung sipag ba ito or sadyang kinarir ko lang ang pinagdadaanan ko

May utang pa ako kay zai, empi at steph, nasa file ko pa yong draft ng kwento ko sa kanila, nasa kalagitnaan na ako at biglang madaming sagaball sa blogging career ko kaya natambak ko ang draft nila zai, empi at steph. uunahin ko sana gawin  yon kaso ito na naman ang pakiramdam kong ayaw ko na talaga sana pero bakit ba! Naiinis na ako ha!! Super! Mga moment na hindi na dapat mag-appear, super bitter pa rin kasi appear ng appear hindi ko naman kailangan. (bigti mode)

Hindi ko rin naman masabi dahil sa super pagod ko lately sa event at nagkakaganito ang pakiramdam ko. Totoo nga ang sabi nila when ang dalawang tao may special connection kasi kung ano ang nararamdaman mo, yon din ang nararamdaman ng isa. Isang halimbawa na naisip ko ngayon yong nag-iisip ka na itext or tawagan mo yong taong mahal mo tapos siya rin the moment you think about her/him pala,  yon din nasa isip niya. That is a very special connection kasi feelings niyo na ang nagsasabi gawin ang mga bagay2x (wag grin yang utak mo, nakikita ko lol) na sabay.

Yan ang pakiramdam ko ngayon, ang bigat, mas mabigat pa sa kuyukot na dinadala ko at pinipilit pa itong palakihin na parang napaka-imposeble naman yata pero I will still try. You know. =)

Hindi na muna ako magjoke kasi seryos kasi tong post ko na ‘ito. Rots.

Nahihirapan ako? Siguro kasi ayoko tanggapin yong closure. What I mean is OO there is a closure pero ang iniwan ko yong mga magagandang alaala dahil I want to live there, I want to live it that way kasi kahit anong galit naman gawin ko, wala eh, wala naman, feeling ko in the end of it, nasa akin pa rin ang mali, ang kulang but God knows how I tried to save it pero wala na talaga. There are things we need to accept na kung hindi daw talaga para sa atin, wag na natin itong ipilit.

Sa mga pagkakataong ito, gusto kong lumayo. Malayo sa maiingay na ciudad, at manatili muna sa may bundok, yong pagkagising ko puro kahoy lang ang nakikita ko, may dagat at may mga ibon na nagiingay sa paligid.

Wala namang tao or situation na nagpush sa akin na maramdaman tong bigat sa dibdib ko, ito na talaga ang sinasabi kong special connection between us kahit malayo na siya, wala na siya pero dahil may pinagsamahan kayo, meron pa ring natitira kaya alam kong sa oras na ito abot tenga ang ngiti niya, natagpuan na niya ang happiness na hinahanap niya, may kayakap na siya hindi lang sa isang araw or dalawa pero pwedi na ring habang buhay na. I remember that pain, tagos sa laman, sobra!

Napagod ako, parang gusto ko lang matulog ngayon, pinipilit wag umiyak diba kasi wala naman rason, ok naman ako ayoko lang sa naramdaman ko ngayon kasi sobrang bigat. Ito at ito lang yong pakiramdam ng malaman kong ang pagiwan mo sa panahong yon ay natuto ka ng hindi na bumalik.

Sana pwedi kagad sumakay ng eroplano para lumayo at mag-isip ulit. Gusto kong pumara ng airplane at magpunta ng hongkong Disneyland para isiping bata ulit, walang problema, innocente ang pagiisip at hindi nagiisip pa sa kinabukasan.

I’m just really sad.

Bear with me my blog. =)

Wanna escape for a while. 

Reality 2: Ito ang daan mo... dito ka dumaan part 2.

Reality 2: ito ang daan mo... dito ka dumaan part 1. (basahin ito para maintindihan... ang mag-skip read patola!)

­­Hindi pa tapos ang kwento nong “ito ang daan mo, dito kadumaan” akala ng lahat happy ending dahil pumasa ang kapatid ko sa licensure exam, that was 3 years ago I think and madami ang nagbago pagkatapo doon. There are a lot of things in life na hindi talaga natin maintindihan or we just don’t want to understand it, you think?

Gaya ng sabi ko, after months pumasa ang kapatid ko, my mom was hospitalized, na-icu and she died after almost 7 days UNEXPECTEDLY. Oo, unexpected yon dahil sa unang pagkakataon na nagstay kami sa hospital dati for almost a month dahil that time nararamdaman kong nagpapaalam ang mama ko sa amin pero yong year 2011, biglaan at nag-expect kami na maayos dahil nasa best hospital siya namin nilagay. Pero bigo kami. Ito ang kwento…

Si sisteraka alam ng madla na ang faith niya beyond sa isang normal na tao na madasalin, lahat ng galaw niya sa buhay ay hinihingi niya kay lord, decision man or may gusto siya. When my mom died, she asked a lot of questions, I wondered bakit nasa bahay lang siya lagi even Sundays. Araw-araw umiiyak. Affected ako pero pinilit kong hindi ipakita dahil kailangan ko maging strong para sa pamilya ko, galit  na galit siya sa akin dahil wala daw akong puso, pusong bato nga ang sinasabi niya sa mga relatives naming dahil para daw wala akong pakiramdam, hindi niya alam na affected ako pero hindi ko lang pinapakita para hindi siya lalong manghina, ako ang kamukha ng nanay ko, ako talaga ang replica ng nanay ko, sa galaw, salita, pananamit, pananaw sa buhay and lahat ng tao inisip hindi ako affected? Hindi lang ako showy those times.

After God answered my sister’s prayer na pumasa sa board exam, biglang tinapon niya ang pangarap na iyon na naging nurse siya, ayaw na niya kasi dahil daw sa trauma niya. Naintindihan naming siya kasi mahirap nga iyon, matagal na panahon na binalewala niya si god, nawala na ang faith niya, nagagalit siya sa diyos lagi niyang sinasabi na kapag may saya laging may kapalit, kapag pinagsabay ang diyos at hiling mo daw sa buhay, laging may mangyayari daw. Lagi pa niya akong pagbintangan na I don’t go to church, I don’t even know how to pray daw at malayo ako sa diyos, sa galit ko na talaga sabi ko sa kanya “ako? Oh! Where’s your faith now? after namatay si mommy, nakalimutan mo na ang lahat pero ako despite of not seeing me in church or even praying, I keep my faith, now tell me, saan pagiging faithful mo!?” lahat ng depensang rason binibigay niya pero ulit-ulit ko pa ring sinasabi sa kanya nasaan ang faith mo.

3 years since she passed her licensure exam including na ang mga panahon she spent with my mom at home, until my mom died she never goes to work, ayaw niyang mag-apply. Ayaw na talaga niyang magnurse. Hindi naman siya pinilit ng tatay ko dahil naintindihan din naman siya. After months na namatay ang mama ko, she tried na mag-apply pero hindi sa pagiging nurse, ibang field and in fact gusto na niyang mag-aral din ng social work kung saan ako na-enrol months after the death ng mommy ko. Gulong gulo pa rin si sisteraka kung ano-ano na ang naiisip. Kung ano ang maisipan yon ang ginagawa.

Siguro sa sobrang bored niya year 2012, mga September siguro she finally decided na mag-nurse siya, bumalik sa dating routine na nagsisimba, naniniwala kay God, and there boom! Ang daming doors na nag-open sa kanya.  At first sabi niya, baka ito nga talaga ang calling niya. Sabi ko, give a try, malay mo, you prayed for this na maging nurse ka and hindi mo iseserve so better serve your profession. Biglang timing nag-apply at natanggap sa isang gov’t hospital kung saan ang hirap pumasok doon.

Kwento ni sisteraka sa isang kaibigan niya “bakit ang hirap ng pinagdaanan ko, bakit ako pa!” sabi nong kaibigan niya “alam mo sobrang guided ka sa buhay mo!” tumahimik daw si sisteraka and sinabi sa sarili niya na “oo nga sobrang guided ako mula pa lang sa board exam dahil lahat ng binasa ko yon ang lumabas tapos ito sa exam para sa trabaho, lahat ng ni-review ko, yon ang lumabas!” kinuwento ni sister sa akin ang kanyang realization and ang sabi ko lang sa kanya “bakit kasi you need to take another road when the right road is already given to you”

And ang usapang yan napunta nga sa…

Siguro if hindi ako lumiko, hindi ko ma-appreciate ang isang trabaho bilang nurse, hindi ko mavalue ang profession dahil unang una, hindi ko naman gusto maging nurse pero baka ito nga ang calling ko dahil god knows I am sensitive and taking care of the patients with extra care will help ease the family na maging okay din ang kanilang pasyente because I know what it feels like to be nong nahospital si mommy.  It took me years before ma-realize siguro kasi para malaman ko paano ko e-value ang work ko na meron ako ngayon. Those times also, ang recovery period ko para kaya ko ng tingnan ang isang tao nan aka-intubate or nasa icu.

Wala akong masabi but, at least now you know… kasi kahit ako may issue din sa sarili na minsan din akong lumiko sa buhay ko at pilit ko rin itong inaayos ngayon. Ikwento ko nalang yan separately. Haba na rin ito. Lol

Ngayon masaya si sisteraka, kapag may patient siya na napapasaya  niya pati yong pamilya, nagtetext at sinasabi niya ang nagawa niya dahil nasa dugo na talaga namin ang pagiging social worker siguro, instinct na kasi sa kanya ang extra care, interview, interaction sa mga patient na hindi naman madalas ganon ang mga nurses, ang sabi ko lang lagi, para ka dyan talaga, wag ka ng lumiko pa! lol then I never failed to tell her also na, every time may patient ka, don’t forget to pray para sa kanya, yong hindi siya masaktan at mahirapan kasi alam natin yan na pinagdaanan din minsan ni mommy yan. at ang sabi niya, oo nga i know what it feels like. one thing true in our life, yong reality talaga is, naiintindihan mo ang ibang tao kapag parehas kayo ng daan na tinahak sa buhay. if your calling is to be an engineer, you will really reign on that field, or nurse, doctor kaya lawyer, kahit anong profession pa yan kapag para sayo yan, para talaga sayo yan, walang liko walang tambling! 

Itutuloy ulit… pangatlong kabanata..

Reality 2: Ito ang daan mo… dito ka dumaan

Had a meeting today with my colleagues and it made me realize that finally, this is the road I want to take in my life, to be a registered social worker, consul, diplomat or an ambassador lol (abot langit ang ambition ko! Haha). I have been searching for answers to many questions for quite a long time, I’ve been through a lot of trials, I have been confused, bothered, even depressed once and I stood up. Though I know I wouldn’t make it without the guidance of my mother, she is not with us anymore but I could still feel her presence even in small things. Ito ang reality ng buhay namin minsan... unahin ko muna sa kapatid ko…

I just remembered something… ito na nga iyon.

My sister just got a new job and the same Ito ang kwento bago ang lahat…

Unang take ng kapatid ko sa board exam… she didn’t make it, lumbas yong result, nasa hospital pa yong mama ko and siyempre hindi nagsabi si kapatid dahil nahiya, nalaman ko sa kaopisina ko lang and I told my sister about it, and sabi niya “grabi si lord, bumagsak ako, nasa hospital si mommy” my mom told her “okay lang yan, pwedi pang umulit” but my sister sobrang na-depressed, ayaw na magtake, hirap din kami sa pera that time dahil naubos sa hospital, madaming utang, lahat na, parang pasan namin ang mundo.

When she decided to take a review again… ito ang kwento.

Walang wala kami at that time, halos hindi ma-enrol ang kapatid ko sa review na yon pero biglang may dumating at nakapag-enrol siya ng last minute. i have seen her commitment and dedication sa pag-aaral, sobrang determined.

Before taking the exam…

(ang kwentong ito ay saka lang niya sinabi lahat ng lumabas na ang resulta dahil ayaw daw niyang mag-assume sa ano man ang nakikita, nararamdaman niya sa mga panahong iyon)

My sister is prayerful, ako hindi lol (ganyan! Haha) she prayed to st. therese, may novena pa siya at kung ano-ano pa. before taking the exam, while going to the exam center, she saw petals of roses na siya mismo hindi rin daw niya alam saan galing. And she said, “if it’s you st. therese pls give me a sign” along the way na nasa jeep siya, may sumakay na pasahero may dalang mga red roses. Convinced na daw siya doon…

Pero… sa exam center na mismo…

She said silently (sa lola at lolo kong namatay na rin, malakas ang paniniwala ni sister sa mga kaluluwa lol) habang nagsisimula na siyang sumagot sa mga tanong  “nay and tay, pls show me a sign na binabantayan niyo ako” at bigla daw may mga group of ibons na umikot ikot malapit sa window niya at nagform ng circle at humangin then nawala.

After the exam… bumalik siya sa doon sa church na minsan niyang pinuntahan kung saan siya humingi ng gabay to pass her licensure exam, sa church na iyon may mga parang monks ba tawag doon, hindi ako sure pero basta may power2x ata yong mga yon sa pagkaintindi ko lol (hindi daw sila priest eh) yong monk na iyon, biglang may kinuhang papel sa isang box at he said “whoever owns this, will surely pass the exam” and he added na “madaming pumupunta dito to ask for help para pumasa ng exam pero wala ng bumabalik except the owner of this paper” ang sabi ni sister silently while the monk was holding her paper, “my god, akin ang papel na yan but ayoko mag-assume muna I will just wait for the result!”

On the second hand… may iba naman siyang pinuntahan (sabi ko sa inyo si kapatid kung makapagdasal to the highest ninth power talaga)

May pinuntahang tao si kapatid, yong may ESP naman, si st. Michael naman iyon. Sabi nong taong yon dahil close na close sila ng mama ko. Sabi ni sister “sana I can pass this time kasi walang wala na kami, halos nawala na sa amin lahat” sabi nong tao na close ng nanay ko “don’t worry, I promise you, I will give your mom a gift on her birthday! And yes, you will pass the exam!” so si kapatid, she left daw na magaan ang pakiramdam pero sabi niya sa amin hindi lang daw yon ang basehan dahil kailangan rin daw niya mag-aral. So tapos na ang kwento diyan.

Maniwala kayo or hindi yong expected result ng board exam eh hindi doon lumabas ang result instead lumabas siya sa ibang araw, sa kaarawan pa ng mama ko. I remember that day, when I scanned it dahil nagkagulo na ang lahat sa fb that time, I searched it, at nakita ko nga ang pangalan ng kapatid ko, I shouted like crazy because birthday din kasi ng mama ko yon, that was really the best gift na binigay sa kanya, totoo nga sabi nong close friend niyang may esp dahil may gift nga siya.

The other hand, gift pala iyon dahil yon na pala ang huling birthday ng mama ko, huling pagkakataon na masabi niyang, hindi pala niya pasan ang mundo, mom had the last pictures sa  mga kapatid niya at that was really the last. Mom prayed for it na sana daw hindi na siya tatanda pa dahil defensive si mommy ayaw kasi daw niyang one day nasa wheelchair na siya, ipapasyal sa mall, iba ang pananaw ng mama ko dahil social worker siya kaya alam niya saan mapupunta ang buhay niya, naiintindihan niya kung ano ang mangyayari kaya ako ngayon, the same path ang tatahakin ko, ito ang daan na binigay sa akin, ito na ang aking lalakbayin. Kaya siguro sabi ko, kapag inisip mo, ginusto mo and you prayed for it, it will happen because it really happened to my mom and sa akin ngayon, this is really now my reality and I have to live with it.

itutuloy next time... haba na! lol 

 

Wag magbasa kasi.

It’s January 2 and yeah it’s still January 2, unang pasok sa trabaho sa taong 2013. Habang nagbabasa ako ng blog sa mga kaibigan, bang! Beng! Feeng! It reminds me of something that like I always said na dapat hindi na maremember at isipin! Hahaha kahit anong tawa ko promise, the pain is still inside me. Charos! Totoo. Walang biro, seryos na ako! Hihihi akalain mo, sometimes you see yourself sa ibang tao, there are emotions you cannot express dahil kailangan itago pero others helped you to take that out. So ito na nga! Kakayanin ko ito! Hehehe nadala ako sa aking emosyon! hahaha simpleng inggitera ang emosyon ko! 

Si Antonio ang dahilan at ang alindog ni jonDmur…

Gaya ng sabi ko, matapang ako, I have a strong personality pero tambling din ako sa taong ito, lahat alam, lahat pwedi and walang keme, pati amoy ng utot alam! Pwedi akong sumigaw na hindi ako babarahin, aawayin siya at susuyoin ako, pweding saktan physically kapag gusto ko lol (wag berdeh isip haha) lahat may katapusan, even if I wanted it still, hindi na talaga pwedi. There are moments now I am tempted to check his status, kung ano na nangyari sa buhay niya pero natatakot ako, hindi ko alam anong takot ito, takot masaktan? Mainggit dahil he is happy? Or he finally found someone kung  saan mas nakita niyang mas happy siya doon? Wala, basta malalim na hininga lang ang kaya kong gawin kapag ito ay napapagusapan. Gusto kong tumawa ngayon pero naiiyak na ako! Charos!! Kailangan tulongan ang sarili! As in now na talaga!

sabi nga ni tonio sa kanyang entry, may 3 month rule moving period, ako heller! Kumusta naman! Anong oras at petsa na! sa stages of grieving nasa acceptance na ako pero takot pa rin akong malaman ano na ang nangyari sa kanya. hindi ko na ito babalakin pa siguro. roowtts!! ang iba’t ibang teknik naman sa sex life ang sabi ni jonDmur, at sinabit ko siya dito dahil lahat ng sinabi niya doon ay totoo at dahil doon, naaalala ko ang mga kalokohan namin kapag napagusapan ang mga illegal na bagay! Hahaha peteks! Kumusta naman ako ngayon! Hindi ako bitter, totoo yan pero I just simply missed him! Nakakamatay na ha! Hahaha

basta iibahin ko ang taong 2013, bagong perspective sa buhay at aabotin ang mga pangarap! Ganyan! Kahit sinasabi ng lahat na kung may nawala, may darating na mas higit pa sa kanya, asan na?! hahana I’m too busy sa buhay ko ngayon para isipin ang mga ganito, pero dahil hindi pa pasukan sa school, kaya ito emote ng emote! Haha cyber attack batok at tadyak kay Antonio at jonDmur!

We both miss it

When I was in my first course in college, I have this guy bestfriend, I can defined him as refined, religious and funny.  We’ve seen our growth, we shared good and bad memories until situation parted our ways. We made a promise once that we will finish first our course bago mag-gf and mag-bf, I could still recall the 5 thousand pesos pustahan, whoever get into a relationship first will pay 5 thousand pesos. We’re still teenagers! We think that way! Hahaha

He was my bestfriend, and I was the last person to know nagkaroon siya ng girlfriend, and boom! I hated him so much that I wanted to throw him from the 5^th floor where our department belongs. I verbally expressed that I hate him, that he broke our usapan and I was really afraid that hindi siya makatapos dahil masisira ang buhay niya dahil sa pag-ggf! it’s not about the money but it’s loyalty and word of honor. Ang stupid ng isip ko noon! Hahaha now I realized how stubborn and selfish I was!! And it really happened, he stopped, he didn’t go to school anymore, I haven’t heard about him ever since.

A year or two I think, he came back to school, he tried to approach me but I was already closed. I still expressed my emotions that I was really mad at him. (i have no other reason of being mad except that promise, I don’t have any feelings for him!! He is just a friend to me!) Every time he wanted to talk to me, I refused and I openly express that he has no room in my life anymore. I lost him, she lost me.

More than 6 years had passed, maybe, I can’t count it. Our path crossed online, we talked sa ym, I even forgot na nag-away pala kami noon! Hahaha shit ang utak ko! Hahaha tan-enah!! He told me “I want to tell you that I consider you really as my bestfriend” and oh my god!! As in like, hell! I said “yeah, me too and I missed you” simple as that. Then our communication went off again because I keep on changing numbers at that time dahil may issue din ako sa own life ko! Hahaha and I know he is been busy also sa girlfriend niya, sa work and even his past time – online games.

Lately, I was online sa fb and I saw his updated profile, I come to like one of his updates and unexpectedly biglang beep! “hey musta?” and the conversation ended into having a coffee kapag may time. And I said “we need to catch up” and he replied “yah, a lot!” and I realized how many days of his lives I missed, the memories we should create, the laughter that we both shared and the ups and downs in his life being his best friend, I wish I was there walking with him.

Now we’re texting back again, just now and decided to meet tomorrow after how many years I avoided him, I ignored him. What I only wish now is I hope we could still patch things up and create new memories. Things may be different this time between us as best of friends, but let’s just see, kwento ko nalang bukas! Hahaha para may thrill naman! hehehe

Will be number 3, leaving number 2

I have been so busy the whole time, I forgot that it’s almost Christmas. Yeah, I know, I’ve seen a lot of decors already anywhere but because I live my life the way I want to, wala pa akong na-prepare for Christmas, i haven’t think something also for my birthday. It’s 28 days more to go and I’ll start number 3 end of number 2. Hahaha time is so fast when you are busy!

Everytime I opened my blog, may number one fan ako, walang post na wala siya, he always takes an effort to comment or leave something and I would like to thanked Archievinier sa walang sawa to leave his footsteps. At dahil wagi ka kuyah sa blog ko, ikaw ang first na hihingan ko ng Christmas Picture Greeting, (alam ko humihingi ka rin! Hahaha) Sali mo na rin ang Birthday greetings in the next 28 days ha! Hahaha aabangan ko yan! Kahit busy ang lola mo, sure yan marereceive ko sa email ko! (qlarrah@yahoo.com) Hahaha

I’ll hold and cross my finger that I can update my blog every day or every other day! nahuhuli na ako sa mga balita, I need to take an effort also to back read blogs. Ang dami ko pa naman kwento, I just don’t have enough time to make it. I need to keep this blog dahil nangarap pa naman ako magsulat ng libro 5 years from now! hahahaha libre mangarap! Kebs nalang! Hahaha

Need to fix bed now, time to sleep, it will be another day tomorrow!

Pablo Pablito Pabling

I traveled 4 municipalities yesterday and that took me a day. itong si Pablo gave reasons to people to panic. Lels!! I congratulate all the disaster team for the preparedness because in our city and province walang casualties like we had with sendong. Now they are doing better than before, now people learned their lessons too.

It was a hell fun when I got the chance to travel in our municipalities. Yesterday was different in all the travels I had in the past. My officemate said I was like hitting two birds in one stone because I brought with me my closest friends from school to conduct an interview to solo parents in the municipalities. While I was doing my job delivering the relief goods, I accompany them to visit the local social welfare office to interview a focal person on solo parents. I did my job as an employee; I also did my homework as a student. Hahaha simpleng diskarte lang yan!! I have to do it wala akong choice I have been very busy with this Pablo. Naku! Hahaha

I just couldn’t take this out of my head when my boss called me that morning. Like he said – ok ibigay mo kay mayor yan and “magpakodak!” ka ha, (take picture with the mayor) hahaha i tried not to laugh while talking to my boss hahaha he could have said it like “magpapicture ka ha” tan-enay!! Hahaha my boss can’t still get out of his head that “Kodak” hahaha he is not old though.

While on our way, nakakatakot because we were in the military truck and going to the municipality where doon daw sila nagkaroon ng ambush! When the driver told me that, don’t you think hindi ka maparanoid? Hahaha and he even added that “military truck at may sakay na army, mainit sa mga mata ng mga npa yan!” nah!!! In my thoughts. I wonder what would be my face when that will happen, or what will I do in case may npa nga, at saan ako pupunta. Hahaha it’s really fun thinking about it!! Hahaha

No school today. Yes!!! Feast of Immaculate Conception! Oh yeah!! Now I love My RVM School. Hahaha

That feeling you will never forget

Maniwala or hindi! Ang professor ko ay isang classmate ng nanay ko since 1^st year college until 4^th year sila! Tan-ena! bohahaha they are really good friends sabi nitong professor ko. Yeah, before he became my professor, I heard a lot already about him from my late mother. Almost 35 years since college day’s nila! Woo! Lahat ng sabi ng nanay ko, sinabi din ng professor ko, nyay! Sa harap pa ng buong klase! They don’t have any past, I know kasi I can read between the lines naman, so wala, wala naman akong narinig either.

I just couldn’t believe that all the things my mom did noon, inaani ko ang kabutihan niya today. This professor keeps telling everybody in the class that, yong nanay ko ang inu-utangan nila kapag wala silang pera kasi my mom is very lucky that time dahil yong tatay niya (lolo ko) eh president ng del monte Philippines before that’s why may kaya sila at ang nanay ko yata daw ang walang problema sa pera. I remember mom told me before that this professor I have now he will just eat “kamote” kasi wala pang pera na pinadala galing sa probinsya. Ngayon? Successful na siya sa profession niya, he managed almost 300 people I think in his department sa dswd. Would you believe that? At its always in my mind what my mom told me that this professor, nangongopya pa dati sa case studies nila just to submit requirements. It’s so funny kasi today everybody respects him, kinakatakotan at dekalidad na tao na si sir! Hahaha but si sir, he admitted to the class that when he was in college, yong mommy ko ang kinokopyahan nila! Tan-enas nuh!!

What happened to them way back in college, it happened the same with me today. It just so happened that I already have a job while studying again, that’s why yong mga classmates ko rin kapag gipit sila minsan, they would ask sa akin if I have spare. Anak talaga ako ng mommy ko! Hahaha I walked the same path she did!

This professor can’t stop saying good things to my mom kasi I know he is very grateful dahil sa oras ng kagipitan my mom was there for them to rescue and stayed with them sa hirap at ginhawa. I always feel that gratefulness and I am proud of what mom did to them. Tama ang sabi ni mommy that bilog ang mundo, dahil hindi all the time nasa baba ang isang tao, dahil nasa baba man siya ngayon, bukas nasa taas naman siya! ganon daw talaga ang buhay! and i stand to believe on that matter!

Pressure is in me now! Activated! Nganga ako nito!! I need to double time pa kasi kahit mom is not with us anymore, ayoko pa ring mapahiya ang mommy ko! Hahaha mataas ang expectation ng lahat tan-ena ang word na expectation! Nyay! Lels! Hahaha He is old now, almost 65 years old and about to retire that’s why he took the opportunity to teach in order to pass what he learned, no one follow his footstep kasi his daughter took the other road of success. When I told this professor, “I took up social work because I want to continue the legacy mom left us” and the only thing he said “dapat lang may susunod sa pamilya niyo!” (may slight tampo pa ang boses ni sir address to his daughters! Lels!) and if it’s possible to run fast to reach that goal, ginawa ko na! lels!

Mom is just around, i know.

Since mom left us, the three of us, yesterday, I, my father and sissy went to another comfort zone. My father drives to his brother to play chess, my sister went to my mother’s only and younger sister (just back of our house) and I, left alone at home. It’s been a year and a half since mom died and I could still feel her around the house, or maybe because when she was still alive, I used to have that feeling even if I kept myself inside my room most of the time, I know she’s just outside reading or taking her cup of tea. Now, sitting on my bed inside my room, reading blogs or updating fb status, my feeling doesn’t change at all, she’s still outside sitting on her favourite chair. I can’t let go of that feeling yet, not now or maybe not ever.

While growing up, I understand why mom keep on banging us, what I am now it is because of the love and values she taught us. Most of the people will tell I have a strong personality, so as my mom, strong but we both have a soft spot in our hearts, it just doesn’t show. Just dig and you will know. It’s always true to tell about “kung ano puno ay siya ring bunga!” and my father, sissy and I take that as a joke like “walang mangga magkaroon ng bunga na bayabas!” so much of avoidance, I still follow my mom’s footstep after all this time. It’s been a long search of myself, a long journey before I came to realize that this is what I want to be in my life, to be a registered social worker just like my mom. I am happy of what I become now, the people that surround me gave me enough strength to go on with my dreams and make that dream come true.

One day, I know mom will be happy with the choice I made in my life, the road I walk into and to continue her legacy. I always know I can do more than what she did because she believes in that, she always tells me that. I grew up believing that one day, I can do better than what I just saw and heard from my mother. Whatever I did now, this is because she gave me the strength to pursue the life I deserve.

I am not holding up

It’s been a while since I decided not to know anything about you, I don’t want to feel that pain again. I don’t want to get hurt, I am afraid of what will I know either. I’d rather escape it than passing through all over again. It has been a tough semester to me this year, I’ve gone through a lot already and I don’t know if I can still hold on, even if I am that strong as what you think, I could give in, I am just human, I get tired, I get lost, I get weak. I don’t have magic to change what I felt, it’s in there, I can’t run away from that.

I know it’s hurting me a lot, I am feeling it and I even understand it but it’s still killing me. My heart is getting weak, my mind keep telling my heart that there’s no other way to forget everything but to accept and be ready to let it go, yes, but how? when? I don’t know whom to get angry, what to angry about. I just couldn’t understand what the hell is going on with me now. I am trying to apply what I learnt in class but my emotion is pulling me back. I really understand that there’s no turning back, that it is not right anymore, that it couldn’t be yet I still remain in distress.  

I am not bitter, I just probably felt that “sayang” because I know how we’ve been, how we’ve exchange our hearts all this time and clash attitudes that knows how to meet half way, the kindness and too much understanding between us, believing that communication is the best foundation in any kind of relationship and fails in trusting each other.

I don’t know how long I will be holding this up. How I wish I am ready to let go of you, to re-open my heart to new possibilities, to a dream that I will be reaching alone. I know there’s always a reason in everything but this caused me too much pain already that I could no longer bare it. I know I can make it through time, only that I cannot wait for too long. 

Just go

I still think of you after all this time, I just don’t have the heart anymore to say how you've been and how you’re holding up. It’s just so painful, I know, but this is all for the best, for the best of you and me. I still want to say how much I love you but it’s not right anymore. I could still hear you laughing, your smile kills me. If only I could turn back everything to make things right for us, I wish I could. Loving you is the best thing I did in my life and I never regret that.

I wish I could still say it how much I miss you, the endless goodnights and I love you’s, waking me up in the middle of the night just to make me feel I am secured. I surely miss all that. It’s killing me. It has been so hard but I am trying everything I could to forget you. I had the best of times with you and I just can’t throw it all away like that. I don’t know where in the world you are now and I don’t want to know anymore, I don’t want to feel that pain again, I don’t want to go back in time where I felt I was so drowned.

I have my family and friends, yes, but I still feel so empty, I just couldn't explain it. It’s not right anymore, it’s not gonna work and I am not holding it back everything between us because without me now, your life will be in much place. You will be seeing your true happiness in time and I am not yet so sure if my heart supports that. I just wanted to shout what’s in my heart now, I just couldn't, I already did that once and I don’t want to do it again.

I am really trying but I didn't realize that this will hurt me so much. I am not yet ready to let you go because I just don’t know how. i am even afraid to know if you have given your heart already to someone new, I am not ready for that even. I understand my feelings but I can’t find a way to comfort it. How long I will go through this? I can’t wait to see what lies ahead of me, I know there is, because I believed that in every end there’s a new beginning. I hope this is all temporary for now because I can’t bare it anymore. 

epekto ng pizza parteh

kagigising ko lang at ituloy ko ang kwento sa red lepztek na yan sa pizza parteh. after round 1 sa kainan ito ang naging mukha sa pizza, kahit barako ang mga kasama at hebegat man hindi pa rin namin kinayang ubosin ang buong 30 inches na pizza. so ito ang mukha after round 1. 

dahil busog na kami, si isang sekseng malusog na kasama namin yong best buddy ko since high school, she thought of magtrip kaming maglepztek na kay pulang pula at dahil in nature hindi ako naglelepztek ng ganito kapula nagmumukha akong barakang bakla!! punyetas diba!! hahaha oh well katuwa at ngayon pinagpepyestahan sa facebook ang mga pictures, so ito ang simula.

dahil allergy ako sa kung anong ek2x na nilalagay sa mukha ko ngayon hindi ako nakaligtas dahil apat lang kaming girlaloh at ito ang nagawa namin after. mga punyetas talagang nag effort kumuha ng documentation para lang may mapagusapan hahahaha itong dalawang yan gustong gusto pang maging pulang pula yong lips ko kaya pinagtutulongan ako ayaw akong tantanan!! tuwang tuwa naman ako on the other hand kasi puro nalang kami tawanan at kalandian!!  

resulta sa walang magawa

para akong tanga hahaha 

pinagpose ko nalang sila
 ng sila lang hahaha

di ko alam bakit ako
nafront page pa dito haha

at hindi lang ako ang pinagtripan, ito ang mga kasama naming mga tunay na lalaki!! they have their own style para lumandi, makuha lang sa tingin!! mas malandi pa ang mga lalaki kung ikokompara sa amin!! mas may guts at may future pang maging bekey kung sakali!! hahaha ilaladlad ko na rin ang winner si mr. chudebels ang lalaking jonakis at jarako!! nakukuha niya sa tingin ang lahat, magandang jokla pag maisipan niyang lumihis ng landas!! hehehe 

ito ang super panalo!! MR. Chudebels!!

it's more fun to be in the philippines talaga!! we got it all right for our own reasons!! sa susunod na update ulit!! 

kakayanin ang beer free this year

20 days to be exact na free beer ako!! Yeaaayy!! Alam ko na ang nasa isip niyo na isa akong lasiggera!! Hahaha hindi no! what I mean is once a week may leisure time kami after Saturday class kasi isipin naman 9am to 7pm ang clase ko straight! Kahit super stress na ako in a week, wala pa rin pinagbago malusog na malusog pa rin ako! Hahaha I’m working 5 days a week at may clase din ako sa social work ng 5:30 araw2x at whole day sa Saturday so I think kailangan ko ring mag-unwind and I deserve to relax or else goodbye mundo nako! LEL!

Ang pinagiisipan ko ng malalim ngayon ay ang pagpapayat ko! Haha natatawa ako kasi all those years gustohin ko mang pumayat hindi natutuloy dahil ang daming reasons sa mundo! Haha ngayon, ikarer ko na talaga since sinabi ko sa panata ko na kailangan beer free na ako para walang carbo masyado sa katawan at nagtitiis nalang ako ngayon sa pineapple juice! Letseh!! Hahaha kay hirap magpasexy lalo na kapag sinasalubong ka rin ng mga parteh at kung anong churvaluh na involve and pagkain at inuman. Basta ang alam ko totohanin ko ng beer free this year nako!!!

Masaya ang inuman!! Mamimiss ko ang pagiging gaga ko na pagnalasing, nawawala sa sarili, nagiging mother amazona, matapang at makapal na ang mukha, surely im going to miss na mapapagusapan ka dahil gumawa ka ng kalokohan dahil nalasing ka! Pag boypren mo naman ang kasama mo sa paglalasing, ibang usapan na yan!! Hahaha cheh!!

Ngayon I am excited sa pizza party naming this weekend, im sure patayan ng drinks ang show but no! no! no! na talaga ako sa inuman muna!! Hahaha manonood nalang ako sa malasing at kukuha ng pictures sa sino mang magmukhang mickey mouse!!

Para malaman ng lahat baka akala niyo eh super lasinggera na ako at hardcore na sa inuman it’s NO!! epal2x lang ang ginagawa ko!! Hehehe ilang rounds ng tagay lang nawawala na ako sa sarili ko, ang tinatago kong pagiging malandi ko  na hindi naman bagay sa akin! LOL!! Hahahaha

Another blog chapter begins

It’s been almost three months since the last time I updated my blog. There are actually a lot of thoughts that runs through my mind along those months of being silent here, only that I just couldn’t force myself to blog on it, I just need a little inspiration to do that, aside from being busy from work and school, there are also personal issues that I need to attend it first before anything else. I missed blogging.

As I have promised myself for this 2012, I will make it sure that this time I will complete the 12 months of the year with full of updates in my life – personal or not. This is also a thing that I need to do in order for me to reflect on the lessons I’ve learned along my journey in life.

I supposed to write an update about my birthday yesterday but as I have said, I need an inspiration to push me to blog the important events of my life. I have been sick for almost 9 days so partly I am losing my willingness to do things I wanted to do. Now I am getting better and I can finally manage to think, smile and eat well.

So, another blog chapter begins!!