Wag magbasa kasi.

It’s January 2 and yeah it’s still January 2, unang pasok sa trabaho sa taong 2013. Habang nagbabasa ako ng blog sa mga kaibigan, bang! Beng! Feeng! It reminds me of something that like I always said na dapat hindi na maremember at isipin! Hahaha kahit anong tawa ko promise, the pain is still inside me. Charos! Totoo. Walang biro, seryos na ako! Hihihi akalain mo, sometimes you see yourself sa ibang tao, there are emotions you cannot express dahil kailangan itago pero others helped you to take that out. So ito na nga! Kakayanin ko ito! Hehehe nadala ako sa aking emosyon! hahaha simpleng inggitera ang emosyon ko! 

Si Antonio ang dahilan at ang alindog ni jonDmur…

Gaya ng sabi ko, matapang ako, I have a strong personality pero tambling din ako sa taong ito, lahat alam, lahat pwedi and walang keme, pati amoy ng utot alam! Pwedi akong sumigaw na hindi ako babarahin, aawayin siya at susuyoin ako, pweding saktan physically kapag gusto ko lol (wag berdeh isip haha) lahat may katapusan, even if I wanted it still, hindi na talaga pwedi. There are moments now I am tempted to check his status, kung ano na nangyari sa buhay niya pero natatakot ako, hindi ko alam anong takot ito, takot masaktan? Mainggit dahil he is happy? Or he finally found someone kung  saan mas nakita niyang mas happy siya doon? Wala, basta malalim na hininga lang ang kaya kong gawin kapag ito ay napapagusapan. Gusto kong tumawa ngayon pero naiiyak na ako! Charos!! Kailangan tulongan ang sarili! As in now na talaga!

sabi nga ni tonio sa kanyang entry, may 3 month rule moving period, ako heller! Kumusta naman! Anong oras at petsa na! sa stages of grieving nasa acceptance na ako pero takot pa rin akong malaman ano na ang nangyari sa kanya. hindi ko na ito babalakin pa siguro. roowtts!! ang iba’t ibang teknik naman sa sex life ang sabi ni jonDmur, at sinabit ko siya dito dahil lahat ng sinabi niya doon ay totoo at dahil doon, naaalala ko ang mga kalokohan namin kapag napagusapan ang mga illegal na bagay! Hahaha peteks! Kumusta naman ako ngayon! Hindi ako bitter, totoo yan pero I just simply missed him! Nakakamatay na ha! Hahaha

basta iibahin ko ang taong 2013, bagong perspective sa buhay at aabotin ang mga pangarap! Ganyan! Kahit sinasabi ng lahat na kung may nawala, may darating na mas higit pa sa kanya, asan na?! hahana I’m too busy sa buhay ko ngayon para isipin ang mga ganito, pero dahil hindi pa pasukan sa school, kaya ito emote ng emote! Haha cyber attack batok at tadyak kay Antonio at jonDmur!

Bearing the sweet fruits

I thought I was done making a blog.

After I made the blog earlier, I went out to find my mom’s red file box. I asked my sister about it but she just nodded so I have no choice but to look inside the master’s bedroom. It was really unusual because when I opened the door I paused for no reason and my tears again started to fell. I looked into the bed where I always see my mom lying whenever I came home late at night. Once again, I started to feel the loss. I still grieve.

Whenever I feel the loss, I always remember those people whom have been a part of my mom’s death. So much I really wanted to be strong to face life every day without bitterness, hatred and anger, still my strength is not enough to fight back, to move on. There’s no easy way to forgive when you know that you have lost everything. The only thing that we have now, with my sister and papa is the principle, dignity, wisdom, reputation and values that my mom imparted to us.

I’ve tasted the sweetest word from other people whom have appreciated my mom’s good deeds. It’s true that “kung ano ang tinanim, yon ang aanihin mo” and I am proud to say that my mom has done her part in the society and I am bearing those fruits now. It is hard for us but the least we can do is to accept that mom is not with us anymore. I don’t want to think deeply that mom died already because every night or moment is a tear jerking.

I remained strong when my mom’s wake is going on until we finally said our goodbyes. They see me as mom’s carbon copy, physically and some of her mannerisms, ability and the like. Just when everybody thought that I am that strong, that I have a hard heart but what others didn’t know, I am so weak emotionally. i always have a late reaction to all the things that is happening in my life especially when it comes to emotions and my feelings. My life has been closed in the past, I refrained from sharing my emotions it’s not because that I am afraid of rejection but it is just a choice to keep it. Now, it is my choice the same to open everything in my life, I guess it’s about time to share what I have been through to lessen the pain I am feeling now.

"bitter" OFF

I decided to create another blog so I can move on to another chapter of my life. I’ve had enough for the pain, frustrations, desperation in the old blog and I know it will be hard for me to face another battle of my life where my mom is not around anymore. I tried to be strong, I tried everything I could, I remained to be strong even if I am losing my strength because I know one day I am going to overcome all of these. 

This will be a new start of my life, in every end there’s always a better beginning. Despite of everything, I am enjoying my new world, my new life. I feel my worth, I am happy even if I am empty inside. There’s still a part me now I wanted to be settled yet I don’t know when will be the right time for that, I don’t even know when my heart is ready to say that “it’s okay” because I know for now, it is not really okay! 

I don’t want to reach the end that I am still bitter, that I am still in pain, that the only I have in my heart is revenge! I tried all the means and way to ease the pain, to somehow forget the pain, I have prayed hard that God will heal me every day, that I may not hear anything about them, that I may not see them for now because I honestly admit it that I am in the height of my anger. They can’t give back the life of my mom, not even millions of dollars will help relieve me. 

Well, I hope their daughters will never experience more than a thousand of pain we went through! We will never understand one person’s situation until we will go through the same as theirs.