Pablo Pablito Pabling

I traveled 4 municipalities yesterday and that took me a day. itong si Pablo gave reasons to people to panic. Lels!! I congratulate all the disaster team for the preparedness because in our city and province walang casualties like we had with sendong. Now they are doing better than before, now people learned their lessons too.

It was a hell fun when I got the chance to travel in our municipalities. Yesterday was different in all the travels I had in the past. My officemate said I was like hitting two birds in one stone because I brought with me my closest friends from school to conduct an interview to solo parents in the municipalities. While I was doing my job delivering the relief goods, I accompany them to visit the local social welfare office to interview a focal person on solo parents. I did my job as an employee; I also did my homework as a student. Hahaha simpleng diskarte lang yan!! I have to do it wala akong choice I have been very busy with this Pablo. Naku! Hahaha

I just couldn’t take this out of my head when my boss called me that morning. Like he said – ok ibigay mo kay mayor yan and “magpakodak!” ka ha, (take picture with the mayor) hahaha i tried not to laugh while talking to my boss hahaha he could have said it like “magpapicture ka ha” tan-enay!! Hahaha my boss can’t still get out of his head that “Kodak” hahaha he is not old though.

While on our way, nakakatakot because we were in the military truck and going to the municipality where doon daw sila nagkaroon ng ambush! When the driver told me that, don’t you think hindi ka maparanoid? Hahaha and he even added that “military truck at may sakay na army, mainit sa mga mata ng mga npa yan!” nah!!! In my thoughts. I wonder what would be my face when that will happen, or what will I do in case may npa nga, at saan ako pupunta. Hahaha it’s really fun thinking about it!! Hahaha

No school today. Yes!!! Feast of Immaculate Conception! Oh yeah!! Now I love My RVM School. Hahaha

Sunday's best now

It’s Sunday! It’s rest day! It’s family day! i learned to value that after I realized I was hooked up with work and school. I still work on school stuff even Sundays, I can’t refuse it when in terms of school papers and exams. I am trying to adjust my entire schedule now, learning to stay at home kapag Sunday, having coffee with my sissy and tita, lunch with my father and a simple dinner too. It’s a nice a feeling, I just felt it kasi naging visible na ako sa bahay! Hahaha I cooked to feel that I belong to the family, kasi parang nasa ibang bansa kami kapag weekdays, we bought our food sa labas, everything is rush kapag may trabaho.

 When I started to go back to school a year and a half now, binago ko lahat, my views, habit, the way I think to some things, attitude, everything I learned to change it dahil for me, I cannot touch others’ lives, make difference, or help them change their views if sa sarili ko I am still the same. I am changing for good, honestly! Hahaha if dati I don’t read my books, now I learned to read more, wala akong choice! Tan-ena! if you don’t read, nga-nga! Na nga-nga! Ka sa klase! And nakakahiya kasi ako ang ate sa klase, may work na related sa course so simple lang mataas ang expectation nila! Hahaha

I just added something sa change na yan, I will learn more to keep Sunday free from work and school stuff. Sana! It’s good to be home, lying in your bed, reading, blogging, etc. and guess what, I learnt it too na kapag weekend, off ang celphone ko! Hahaha yan! Para walang istorbo! No clients, no emergencies from school and work! It’s just me, family and my home! Sarap!!!  

How will you understand them?

One of the challenges I encountered every day in my life especially in the office is yong you are talking to different people and hearing different sentiments in their life, I may say we have problems but if we look into the bigger picture, there are more na mas mabigat at mahirap ang problema if you are just sensitive enough to lend your ears.

There are a lot of cases every day, there are also common, but one thing I assure you is, they have different stories. You know, if you are a psychology graduate or studying psych, social work or even sociology you will understand most of the things that Is happening around us, we are sensitive to things, situations and even our own family situations, we are very careful to that. But to those na walang background, it doesn’t matter at all, other people in the rural to be specific, their only priority is mapakain ng tatlong beses ang pamilya nila in one day, swerte na yon if three meals na.

I met a lot of people already, mayaman at mahirap, pero isa lang ang narealize ko all this time working, pare-pareho tayo ng nararamdaman when our immediate family goes to the hospital, walang mahirap at mayaman if you have a deadly disease. The difference between the government hospital and the private, it’s too big, pero hindi lahat ng nakaprivate hospital, lahat nakakabayad, dahil sa laki ng bill, kailangan mangutang or magsangla ng property para mailabas ang kanilang pasyente. Sa government naman, maliit ang bayad, madami ka pang pweding puntahan to pay the remaining amount of the bill pero kailangan mong mag-tiis at makipagsiksikan sa hospital.

One of the most challenging cases I have handled is yong nag-lalabor, young age, teenager, may ka-live in partner at ang haharap sayo, mga magulang pa rin nila and when you ask them a question “how old are you nanay when you had your first child?!” ang sagot “kasing edad ng anak kong nanganak, mam!” history repeats itself?! tama ba ako? Oo kasi yon ang nakikita nila, yon ang naririnig nila and these children thought that it’s right, minsan ang iba they made an excuse na hiwalay ang magulang at kailangan nila ng kasama. Ikaw, pano mo isipin ang ganyang situation? Is it acceptable? Reasonable? Justifiable? Ako, depende yan, kasi there are cases naman na rape victim, nabuntis, hindi acceptable pero walang may gustong ma-rape!

May mas challenging at nakakainis sa lahat, 42 years old, gave labor to her 13^th child, kasabay ang anak niyang naglalabor din for her 1^st child, means apo na niya yon. Ngayon, kaya  mo bang intindihin ang mga taong tulad nila? Then the person na haharap sa’yo is yong tatay na parang wala lang, they don’t even think of ano ang ipapakain nila sa anak nila. They are just one of those kind of people na na-eencounter ko every day sa buhay ko, this gave me the reason to aim more, dream hard para one day, I know I can’t change the world, I can’t change everything but at least I could share something that is worth to live in this world.

Mom is just around, i know.

Since mom left us, the three of us, yesterday, I, my father and sissy went to another comfort zone. My father drives to his brother to play chess, my sister went to my mother’s only and younger sister (just back of our house) and I, left alone at home. It’s been a year and a half since mom died and I could still feel her around the house, or maybe because when she was still alive, I used to have that feeling even if I kept myself inside my room most of the time, I know she’s just outside reading or taking her cup of tea. Now, sitting on my bed inside my room, reading blogs or updating fb status, my feeling doesn’t change at all, she’s still outside sitting on her favourite chair. I can’t let go of that feeling yet, not now or maybe not ever.

While growing up, I understand why mom keep on banging us, what I am now it is because of the love and values she taught us. Most of the people will tell I have a strong personality, so as my mom, strong but we both have a soft spot in our hearts, it just doesn’t show. Just dig and you will know. It’s always true to tell about “kung ano puno ay siya ring bunga!” and my father, sissy and I take that as a joke like “walang mangga magkaroon ng bunga na bayabas!” so much of avoidance, I still follow my mom’s footstep after all this time. It’s been a long search of myself, a long journey before I came to realize that this is what I want to be in my life, to be a registered social worker just like my mom. I am happy of what I become now, the people that surround me gave me enough strength to go on with my dreams and make that dream come true.

One day, I know mom will be happy with the choice I made in my life, the road I walk into and to continue her legacy. I always know I can do more than what she did because she believes in that, she always tells me that. I grew up believing that one day, I can do better than what I just saw and heard from my mother. Whatever I did now, this is because she gave me the strength to pursue the life I deserve.

I am not holding up

It’s been a while since I decided not to know anything about you, I don’t want to feel that pain again. I don’t want to get hurt, I am afraid of what will I know either. I’d rather escape it than passing through all over again. It has been a tough semester to me this year, I’ve gone through a lot already and I don’t know if I can still hold on, even if I am that strong as what you think, I could give in, I am just human, I get tired, I get lost, I get weak. I don’t have magic to change what I felt, it’s in there, I can’t run away from that.

I know it’s hurting me a lot, I am feeling it and I even understand it but it’s still killing me. My heart is getting weak, my mind keep telling my heart that there’s no other way to forget everything but to accept and be ready to let it go, yes, but how? when? I don’t know whom to get angry, what to angry about. I just couldn’t understand what the hell is going on with me now. I am trying to apply what I learnt in class but my emotion is pulling me back. I really understand that there’s no turning back, that it is not right anymore, that it couldn’t be yet I still remain in distress.  

I am not bitter, I just probably felt that “sayang” because I know how we’ve been, how we’ve exchange our hearts all this time and clash attitudes that knows how to meet half way, the kindness and too much understanding between us, believing that communication is the best foundation in any kind of relationship and fails in trusting each other.

I don’t know how long I will be holding this up. How I wish I am ready to let go of you, to re-open my heart to new possibilities, to a dream that I will be reaching alone. I know there’s always a reason in everything but this caused me too much pain already that I could no longer bare it. I know I can make it through time, only that I cannot wait for too long. 

Just go

I still think of you after all this time, I just don’t have the heart anymore to say how you've been and how you’re holding up. It’s just so painful, I know, but this is all for the best, for the best of you and me. I still want to say how much I love you but it’s not right anymore. I could still hear you laughing, your smile kills me. If only I could turn back everything to make things right for us, I wish I could. Loving you is the best thing I did in my life and I never regret that.

I wish I could still say it how much I miss you, the endless goodnights and I love you’s, waking me up in the middle of the night just to make me feel I am secured. I surely miss all that. It’s killing me. It has been so hard but I am trying everything I could to forget you. I had the best of times with you and I just can’t throw it all away like that. I don’t know where in the world you are now and I don’t want to know anymore, I don’t want to feel that pain again, I don’t want to go back in time where I felt I was so drowned.

I have my family and friends, yes, but I still feel so empty, I just couldn't explain it. It’s not right anymore, it’s not gonna work and I am not holding it back everything between us because without me now, your life will be in much place. You will be seeing your true happiness in time and I am not yet so sure if my heart supports that. I just wanted to shout what’s in my heart now, I just couldn't, I already did that once and I don’t want to do it again.

I am really trying but I didn't realize that this will hurt me so much. I am not yet ready to let you go because I just don’t know how. i am even afraid to know if you have given your heart already to someone new, I am not ready for that even. I understand my feelings but I can’t find a way to comfort it. How long I will go through this? I can’t wait to see what lies ahead of me, I know there is, because I believed that in every end there’s a new beginning. I hope this is all temporary for now because I can’t bare it anymore. 

I never stop loving

Sometimes we need to evaluate ourselves, we need to go back in the past in order to understand all the things that is happening to us right now, we need to reflect in order to do more what we think we can do.

When you lost a person in your life, you will realize that life is short. You will tend to ask yourself what were the good deeds you do to others. Am I ready to face God when the time of my death arrives? But you know what, when my mom died, what comes first into my mind when I heard the doctor says “time of death” – does the values mom gave us is enough already for us to face the world without her? Yes, I really thought of that, because in our family, family values are one of the important aspects we need to look up to. The words of my mother is the same words with my uncles (her brothers), me and my sister’s thoughts or perspective on the way we see life is the same with my cousins (her brother’s sons’ and daughters’). We are all seeing realities in life, we deal with what is the truth about life and that help me to endure all the problems in time.

I am not expressive, I may be too silent with my feelings in the past but when social work nurtured me to speak up, I have learned to voice out everything, it may be that I am mad or happy, I learned to open myself to the reality, sometimes we need to say what’s in our heart, good or bad, so the pain won’t dwell in your heart. Take some time to let your heart breathe.

When I lost my mom, I tried the best I could to stand for my family, for my father and sister. I am not my mother, I am not even trying to be my mother but all I can do is to be me as a person I know. But, I am really my mother’s “replica” no matter how I try to avoid her mannerisms, behaviors, attitude, even the way she deliver her words of encouragement, to discuss matters on the table, her perspectives in life, it’s in me, it’s in my blood and veins, I could not get away from it. The more I discover about myself as I grow up, the more I understand who my mom is. I could no longer deny it that I ran into her footsteps after all this time.

I am missing my mom, of course, but I need to be strong not to miss her that much because it will definitely kill my emotions. I have a soft heart it just doesn’t show. i can still feel mom until now, I could still see her in my dreams, reminding of simple things I used to forget when she was still alive, whenever exams is approaching – she’s always sitting beside me in my dreams, when problems pop up – she keeps on ranting but I couldn’t hear it. I always tell she’s still here I just couldn’t see her. I believed in my instinct.  

If mom is still alive now, probably she won’t stop ranting us until we get the life we deserve it. mothers’ knows best and that is proven in time! 

Taking step forward

I woke up half-hearted. I couldn’t explain the exact reason why, I just felt that my heart now is heavy probably there’s one person I want to comfort me, the smile would mean a lot. Choosing the life I have now will change my life forever and my future either. I know this is all I want, my dreams to be pursued. I wanted to finish the race I have promised to my late mom and I am keeping it for now. I am happy with the life I had but still it feels like there’s still missing but maybe this is just a temporary feeling until everything is over and gone. What’s keeping me busy now is my job, my studies and my dreams as well. There’s a lot to sacrifice in life and I want to feel every moment I am learning those discoveries i encounter as I walk in my journey. 

For now I know I made a right decision of pursuing what I really want in life. I still love my mom even if she already passed away, having this dreams I am doing now is one proof that my love will never stop and I am going to finish her race the same. When she died, it was my turning point and I am starting to change my life, the life I used to have and I learn to dream more than what I know I can. I know this feeling will pass through it’s time but now I just couldn’t help it and I am trying to keep myself busy chattering on social network, connecting old friends and learning to break the wall inside me. I wanted to cry to release everything I have in my heart now but i want to do it in a place where all I can see is all color green, the trees and bushes, I even wanted to run after the cows, chicken and experience for a while to roam around in a flower field, I think that will help me lift my spirit back.

Life has to move forward every day and we need not to stop just because we are confused, stressed out, hurt and frustrated, this is hard I know when I felt like the world is on me, the pain can’t get out in my heart and a lot of thoughts in my brain. It’s over I know and life has to start again. 

Hindi forever tanga ang isang tao

Para akong tanga while listening to my deviance class kasi sa totoo lang hindi naman natin malalaman na deviant na tayo if mismong word na yan hindi nag-eexists sa daily life natin. Shet! Haha yon ang stand ko lagi to myself that since now ko lang nalaman ang term ng deviant or deviance (meaning nito eh beyond norms, beyond normal na action sa isang tao) nakikita ko na ang pagiging deviant ko! Potah! Hahaha this is where I learned to accept my whole being (may genun talaga) kasi sa totoo lang in denial kasi ako sa lahat ng nararamdaman ko kahit sobrang hurt na aki!! Kebs pa rin!! Pero  malambot pa ako sa mammon pag di na keri!! Haha

Ito na ang kwento ko at ikarir kong ichismis ang buhay ko sa inyo. Sinabi ko sa last post ko na dumaan ako sa isang depression na hindi ko alam depression na pala yon! Hahaha shet talaga!! Kahapon sa klase ko yon ang pinagusapan at pinag-aralan, ako keep quiet lang kasi tinatamaan ako sa pinagsasabi ng teacher ko about sa depression, kebs lang muna ako, gusto kong tumawa man sa sarili ko kasi wala akong kamalay malay na ang pinagdaanan ko eh sobrang depression na pala yon noon. Good thing because I learned it, I just laughed about it now and I accepted it.

I got depressed kasi I stopped schooling noon for 1 semester and I feel like nadisappoint ko ang parents ko. Hindi naman ako nalulong sa druga no, hindi rin naman sa love life pero yong hiya sa sarili, sa ibang tao at sa pamilya. Wala lang akong gana magaral noon kasi madaming problema na dumating, hindi ko kinaya paano ko harapin, mahina ang loob ko at wala akong laban kahit gusto ko mang lumaban parang helpless na helpless ako. Normal lang nagagalit ang magulang pero sa mga pagkakataong yon hindi ko alam bakit ganon ang naging reaction ko, sa sobrang hiya ko nagkulong ako sa kwarto.

At ito ang naging routine ko sa araw2x na yon.

Sa umaga late akong gumising, I am waiting for my parents to leave for office and my sister to go to school. buong umaga nasa kwarto lang ako, sa hapon nasa garahe lang ako at nagiisip at nakatingin sa langit, wala akong kausap, hindi ako nakikipagusap sa kahit sino, wala akong outlet. Feeling ko wala na akong kinabukasan at wala na akong silbi. Pagdating ng 5pm pasok na naman ako ulit sa kwarto kasi parating na sila galing work, hindi ako kakain buong gabi, kinaumagahan na ako kakain pag wala na naman sila. Yong kwarto ko ayoko ng ilaw, gusto ko madilim lang.

Ngayon ko lang narealize na na-depressed na pala ako noon kasi halos 2 months yon na ganon ang naging buhay ko, wala akong kausap at wala akong mapuntahan, hindi pa uso ang blogging noon kaya hindi ko naisip iladlad ang sarili ko dito. Lels. Natatawa ako ngayon nalang kasi nalagpasan ko ang stage na yon at nagawa kong ibangon ulit ang sarili ko kahit until now alam kong may sayad pa rin ang utak ko paminsan minsan, keri nalang!!

Salamat sa social work na kors dahil sayo naging tao na ako!! Hahaha nakakapagfunction na ako ng mabuti sa ibang tao at para sa sarili ko!! Haha debaterya!!

If you just want to know what's my secret

I just remembered when I started to face my life after the death of my mother, I am trying to search my own soul, myself and I have been so bothered with a lot of things, there’s a lot in my mind but I couldn’t find a way to express it. I am known to a few close friend of mine that I am not a talky type person, I seldom talk about my emotions and feelings, I am afraid of giving comments because I don’t to hurt other people as much as possible.

I believed in the power of mind, kasi when I told myself that I need to break the silence, I need to express what I feel, what’s inside my heart and what I am thinking, it happened in just one click. Its TRUE that if you want it, you will have it. In the case I had, it was a week that I am emotionally unstable. After work and class I couldn’t help but cry or i always feel that anger in my heart. Since hindi ko na kaya, I decided to consult a social worker in our department to seek a professional help.

I talked to our program coordinator who is a social worker licensed. I was crying and crying, I am not satisfied sa ano man ang iniyak ko, she just let me cry everything, she gave me a room to let out all my anger, hatred and my hidden feelings that moment. Parang isang doctor lang din sya na binigyan ako ng resita, yong resita na hindi gamot but a resita na dapat kong panoorin baka sakali daw magbago ang perspective ko sa buhay.

I downloaded what she told me, I tried to watch it but sa simula pa lang nabored ako eh so I ignore it. Kebs lang ako!! In denial pa rin ako in everything to what I feel, I am starting to understand what is really going on sa sarili ko pero andon pa rin yong galit ko sa pagkawala ng mom ko dahil she died na puro pasakit ng mundo ang binigay sa kanya, okay lang kasi yong walang ibang taong involved pero dahil there are people caused her too much pain, yon ang mahirap tanggapin.

One Sunday we had a personal encounter activity sa social work class namin. We were given a chance to speak one by one our strength, weaknesses and threat sa dreams at buhay namin. So I speak for myself. I thought that’s the end. The following day I come to visit her for just a small talk, kala ko she forgot kung ano2x ang mga pinagsasabi ko pero alam pa rin niya and sobrang natinag ako to what she just told me that moment “tapos na yon!! Leave it behind, tapos na ang sa mama mo, siya yon at ikaw ang ngayon, gawin mo ang para sayo hindi para sa mama mo!!” yong halong may galit pa talaga. Wala akong masabi, parang nahiya ako na hindi ko maexplain ang feeling ko that moment. At dahil dun, yong resita na sabi ko na binigay niya, I tried to watch it, this time pinagtyagaan ko, then i have learned kung ano talaga ang gusto niya mangyari sa buhay ko and ito ako ngayon I can say I am better, I have moved on and accept those things na noon parang ang hirap2x at ang feeling ko everyday was I am always hurt. I also learned her secret in life through the resita she gave me it’s “the secret.”

You might want to watch it, baka makatulong din sa inyo. Ngayon, I am learning also to accept the law of attraction in our life. Life is a little better now kahit lagi pa rin akong confused sa mga ilang bagay!! Punyeteks!! hahaha

Kung ikarir ko na kaya ang pagiging denial queen

I have my own self-worth this time after a long silence about my life. I am a good or a great pretender in showing my true feelings, I am not a showy type of a person, I talk less either. Whenever I am sad, angry I just keep it to  myself until it will reach to it’s highest point na hindi ko na kaya at maburst out ko, sobra pa sa bomba talaga which I find it hindi maganda dahil malalim ang pinaghuhugotan ko. This is me and I am happy now that I am trying to rebuild myself in a manner that I am learning to correct my own mistakes in the past and I learned to be open with my feelings, happy man or malungkot but there are just instances na hindi pa rin nawawala sa akin yong pagiging denial queen ko lalo na pag-naiiyak na ako. Mind you kahit matigas ang mukha ko pusong mammon ako kahit hindi man bagay sa akin ang umiyak! lol

Self-worth because I manage to accept certain things in my life like ano ang ugali ko at saan galing yong ugali at pano ko ihahandle yong ugali ko. There are sensitive issues in my life that I considered, una na yong about sa panghuhusga ng ibang tao sa akin dahil yon ang nakikita lang nila without even asking me kung ano nga ba talaga. Slowly i am trying to understand that minsan we need to be open para Makita natin kung ano ba talaga ang gusto natin sa buhay at ano or san tayo mag-aadjust para wala tayong maapakan na ibang tao.

I am happy now that I gave myself a challenge also na dito sa pagbablog, maging open ako to whatever feelings that I have, may transparency in all the things na gagawin ko sa buhay ko and to share my thoughts, views, ideas without any hesitations and limitations. Chos!! Hehehe maniwala man kayo o hindi, seryos ako sa mga pinagsasabi ko!! Haha (ewan ko nalang kung maniwala pa kayo kung tumatawa ako sa ending!! Haha)

Maitim + white balak = Gray na balak

I was supposed to write an entry last night but since sobrang BADTRIP ako kahapon kaya I slept early nalang. I have been thinking to burst it out what I felt yesterday but I chose not to nalang because I might say words that is not appropriate at mas lalong maging masama ang tingin ng ibang tao sa akin. KEBS ko nalang!!!

This time I have come to many realizations in life that sometimes you just have to go on to your own battle alone, decide without asking other’s opinion and kill them silently!!! Hahaha I’ve come to think that the battle and competition in life is always there beside us, we just tend to ignore it because we uphold our values and traditions yet there are just some people doesn’t care what we feel. So ngayon, ito lang ang masasabi ko, HUMANDA kayo!!! I have been so reliant to other people NOON pero ngayon I am starting to live and believe on my own capacity to do and choose decisions as long as I have God with me. Everything will be fine I know.

Life must go on, I know my anger will last for a day or couple of days. Depende. (rarrr..lol) one thing I can assure myself now, I will not give myself fully to the people whom the same may mga maitim na balak sa akin!! Kahit anong maputing balak pa ang nasa akin kung maitim naman sa kanila, maging gray yon so meaning black still prevails!! LOL dahil maging gray ang balak ko sure ako hindi naman ganon kabrutal ang mangyayari!! hahaha

bahala na basta ang alam ko I will do it my way!!! Come and see it!!! 

Stepping back

I started to believe in my dreams again to the new profession I chose to commit in life, to trust in myself once more, to regain back everything that has been lost and to set another goal to reach. There are a lot of things in the past why I failed in life, but still I am thankful for those failures because it helped me to become the person of who I am now.

There was once a dream that someday I will be an architect but I accepted the reality that yes it has been my world but it was never really my life. I am pointing it that my world spins on it but the profession never gave me life. There’s always a great pride there why I didn’t give up pushing the course even if I already have a hard time dealing with my subjects already. A pride wherein I know that there are just a few women in that field who succeeded in the profession, plus the fact that everybody knows you are good in math and can impressed people because definitely you can draw! I know I can make it but there are a lot of circumstances came in my life at that time, I couldn’t get the concentration I want, I easily get discouraged whenever I heard bad news or situations within the family, I was really lost, I admit that. I have no one to talk to about my personal problems; I don’t trust myself so how can I trust others.

I wasted my years but I did not regret because I believed that every mistake or decision that we make in our life, we are responsible to whatever it will lead us to take. I fall but I learned to get up on my own!

A lot of things in the past I didn’t do which I want it to do it now. To me, it’s not yet too late to correct mistakes, in fact I am learning on it. Sometimes I just laughed at those blunder because now I am doing the things which I didn’t do before. The motto that I have now in my life is “I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again!” I find it so funny everytime I thought of that because I couldn’t believe that I actually do things now that I don’t do it. Given example there was whenever there is a class reporting, role play, oral quiz well expect me to be absent on that day. I was lack of self-confidence and I was afraid of standing in front of my classmates but now gaining it through time, experience and mistakes, I always make it sure that I am on the first batch, first one to do the task given.

It’s really a long journey in my life already, I may not know everything yet because I am still learning every moment I lived my life now but one thing I am thankful now is that I see the different person in me, I was not anymore the person with a lot of fears. I started to believed in what I can do for myself and to others, what I can give without expecting anything in return and social work profession has helped me opened my eyes to reality, my heart to my real emotions and my life for a completion.  

Personal Encounter Activity

I have a lot of thoughts running through in my mind now. I don’t even know where and how to start. But anyways, today I had a blast from our workshop on social development encounter. At first I was a bit anxious because I know where it will lead but I believed that I wasn’t able to give all myself to the workshop because definitely I did not burst out. I know there are still a lot of things in me that is need to be processed but I guess today was not enough to deal my personal thoughts and emotions. Slowly I already have this acceptance that things in the past will always be a history but there are still questions in my mind that needs an answer.

During the workshop, my thoughts are running, my emotions are puzzled.  I know that there are a lot of people out there whom have bigger problems than what I had but there is only one word I wanted to search, I wanted to find it, I wanted to reach it “justice.” I believed that entering the world of social work is one point in my life to search for those questions, to find myself even better.

Sometimes, I don’t want to hear anything from home, I don’t want to hear my sister’s heartache over those people whom have been a part of my mom’s death because it will create hatred on my part, I started to get angry again, I even wanted more to seek justice. They didn’t kill my mom literally but they get the life where my mom should have it until she grew old.

I know this is only the beginning of my journey as a social work student, I may not answer some questions now but I am hoping to find those answers along the way. I couldn’t even give a single answer to a simple question of “is there revenge deep in your heart now?” honestly, I don’t know. I may be hypocrite to answer that but all I can say is “I really don’t know because I don’t know what will happen tomorrow; I don’t know what will come in my way!” There are simple questions that stunned me somehow, I just carried it well.

I have enjoyed our activity today and I am looking forward for more activities next semester. There are a lot learning’s today and I am grateful to have along with us Mam M. , Mam Winnie and Mam Melfie. Thanks to you all!

Well, yeah I guess maybe I need help professionally. I will just take time to absorb everything.

That old man moved me

old Archive: This the moment i never forget in my life, the moment wherein i was moved by a stranger.

As what I have said in my previous post that my life’s experience is not that much but not that less. Each of us has its story to tell. Living day to day, we encountered walks of life, different situations, and different problems. I won’t say that I am matured enough in some facet of our life because some part of me I still wish I am a kid. A kid who can just play around and by not thinking of what life can bring ahead of us, what future lies within. Let’s face reality anyway! We are not getting any younger and we are looking forward for the future we want it to happen, life is not easy and we have to live by it. Here’s a personal experience from one of the client I interviewed months ago that helped me in some way to reflect.

An old man came to the office and presents the list of medicines for his wife. His wife is at the hospital, he is seeking for assistance from any agency of the government where he may able to get a few for his sick wife. I asked him how many children he has and he answered me he got only one but a disabled and was diagnosed with schizophrenia (A several psychotic disorders characterized by distortions of reality and disturbances of thought and language and withdrawal from social contact). He said he left his daughter in the neighborhood to look after since he is in the hospital busy attending his sick wife. Their family is unable to sustain the need due to family’s scant resources. Unstable income from Farming can barely make both ends meet. They cannot reap even a little help from closer relatives who are also living in hardships under the sun. Unfortunately, their town (their town is almost 2 hours from the hospital) was hit by a typhoon. He felt anxious and I wasn’t able to speak for a while, a tear fall from his eyes and said “where do I go now?” “What am I going to do?” I took a deep breathe and I thanked God I was able to answer his two questions; I was able to find a solutions where he can get the medicines and other needs for his wife. I thought that was the end, when he is about to leave the office and asked me “[mam, ikaw ba naa sa akong situation unsa akong unahon, ang akong asawa naa sa hospital or akong anak nga buang naa sa among munisipyo]” “(mam, if you were in my situation, what will I attend first, my sick wife or my disabled daughter?)” BOOM! I paused and I took a deep breathe, I was looking at him without saying any word, that moment what I had in mind is that “what if I am in his shoes, what am I going to do?” – it took a while I wasn’t able to speak up that he comes to understand that I have no answer for his question, I smiled at him, I stood up and tap his shoulder but deep inside me I feel fret. I was struck with his question. Then he finally left with “sige mam, salamat.” As he closes the door, I said to my officemates “hala!” and I think that point in time that’s the least thing I can say. 

My shifting dreams

This is an archive from my old blog, one of my favorite emotions and thoughts before. I never thought that those visualizations i came through across my life's journey has became my real life and world now.

I could still remember how we used to dream together with my colleagues, how we wanted to be on the top of the mountain, you see I  dreamt to be an architect one day, I never thought that those dreams later than will just shift into some sort of who I actually desire to be and perhaps born to be. nevertheless, things take place for a reason and I’m thankful to the office where I belong now, that helped me to open my eyes in all the possibilities in life and helped me restore myself as well, it helped me to reconstruct my dream and begin to believe that I can have it. Shifting dreams is not that easy, I found my world but it was not my life then. We are born to be great, to accomplish something of worth for which you came into the world for. It has been said that life is nothing more than a search – a continuous search for a cause to live and die for, to be governed by the thought and dreams and propelled by a concealed urge to achieve.  It is unconscious, it is automatic. It is that nagging feeling tugs at you when you are alone, that there is something more. There’s always something more.

I have to open my eyes to full potential. I have to learn to treasure ourselves, know our worth, and look deep into ourselves to discover who we really are and what we came to this earth for. Only then can we be able not to fear our own greatness.

Leaving the old tracks

I was about to make my write up for my English class when I thought of arranging my old books first before I will sit and plan for tomorrow’s assignment. I saw my old architecture books and it reminds me of the life that I had way back there, those memories and learning’s. This is the quote I came up with when I decided to shift my world, “architecture has been my world, but it was never my life after all” – it means that once in my life, I dreamt to be an architect, to be part of the elite community, to stand proud and prove that I can make it even if I am a woman yet my fate shifted unexpectedly.

I dropped that dream, it was a profound and major decision but I stood despite of the hurtful words came from other people. Later on, I have gradually gained my confidence again and eventually I learned to accept that there are things even how much you want it, you can’t have it. I started to work in the social services and there, I have found my life. I felt the contentment whenever I knew I have helped people who are in need. If I was happy with my old world or my old life, I am happier when I started to feel the fulfillment in serving our less fortunate brothers and sisters.

Moreover, when I was done arranging those books, finally I’ve told myself that it’s about time and I am ready to let go what I have had in the past, I am now willing to give or re-sell those books in a half or one-fourth of the original price, this is the time I could finally say that everything is over and I am happy with the new environment and the life where my world is spinning now, I am glad to take part to the social work program of Lourdes College.