Special Connection between the two

It’s been ten years since the last time sinipag akong magblog lol

Hindi ko rin alam now kung sipag ba ito or sadyang kinarir ko lang ang pinagdadaanan ko

May utang pa ako kay zai, empi at steph, nasa file ko pa yong draft ng kwento ko sa kanila, nasa kalagitnaan na ako at biglang madaming sagaball sa blogging career ko kaya natambak ko ang draft nila zai, empi at steph. uunahin ko sana gawin  yon kaso ito na naman ang pakiramdam kong ayaw ko na talaga sana pero bakit ba! Naiinis na ako ha!! Super! Mga moment na hindi na dapat mag-appear, super bitter pa rin kasi appear ng appear hindi ko naman kailangan. (bigti mode)

Hindi ko rin naman masabi dahil sa super pagod ko lately sa event at nagkakaganito ang pakiramdam ko. Totoo nga ang sabi nila when ang dalawang tao may special connection kasi kung ano ang nararamdaman mo, yon din ang nararamdaman ng isa. Isang halimbawa na naisip ko ngayon yong nag-iisip ka na itext or tawagan mo yong taong mahal mo tapos siya rin the moment you think about her/him pala,  yon din nasa isip niya. That is a very special connection kasi feelings niyo na ang nagsasabi gawin ang mga bagay2x (wag grin yang utak mo, nakikita ko lol) na sabay.

Yan ang pakiramdam ko ngayon, ang bigat, mas mabigat pa sa kuyukot na dinadala ko at pinipilit pa itong palakihin na parang napaka-imposeble naman yata pero I will still try. You know. =)

Hindi na muna ako magjoke kasi seryos kasi tong post ko na ‘ito. Rots.

Nahihirapan ako? Siguro kasi ayoko tanggapin yong closure. What I mean is OO there is a closure pero ang iniwan ko yong mga magagandang alaala dahil I want to live there, I want to live it that way kasi kahit anong galit naman gawin ko, wala eh, wala naman, feeling ko in the end of it, nasa akin pa rin ang mali, ang kulang but God knows how I tried to save it pero wala na talaga. There are things we need to accept na kung hindi daw talaga para sa atin, wag na natin itong ipilit.

Sa mga pagkakataong ito, gusto kong lumayo. Malayo sa maiingay na ciudad, at manatili muna sa may bundok, yong pagkagising ko puro kahoy lang ang nakikita ko, may dagat at may mga ibon na nagiingay sa paligid.

Wala namang tao or situation na nagpush sa akin na maramdaman tong bigat sa dibdib ko, ito na talaga ang sinasabi kong special connection between us kahit malayo na siya, wala na siya pero dahil may pinagsamahan kayo, meron pa ring natitira kaya alam kong sa oras na ito abot tenga ang ngiti niya, natagpuan na niya ang happiness na hinahanap niya, may kayakap na siya hindi lang sa isang araw or dalawa pero pwedi na ring habang buhay na. I remember that pain, tagos sa laman, sobra!

Napagod ako, parang gusto ko lang matulog ngayon, pinipilit wag umiyak diba kasi wala naman rason, ok naman ako ayoko lang sa naramdaman ko ngayon kasi sobrang bigat. Ito at ito lang yong pakiramdam ng malaman kong ang pagiwan mo sa panahong yon ay natuto ka ng hindi na bumalik.

Sana pwedi kagad sumakay ng eroplano para lumayo at mag-isip ulit. Gusto kong pumara ng airplane at magpunta ng hongkong Disneyland para isiping bata ulit, walang problema, innocente ang pagiisip at hindi nagiisip pa sa kinabukasan.

I’m just really sad.

Bear with me my blog. =)

Wanna escape for a while. 

Reality 9: Pagkakaroon ng lakas ng loob

Warning: wag basahin sa gabi or masyadong tahimik ang paligid.

Kailang nangyari: basta Wednesday I can’t recall the exact date and last year pa ito.

Bakit ko na-ipost ito: naalala ko lang naman.

Isa ito sa kwentong totoo ng buhay ko na kahit sino hindi maniniwala pero nangyayari, kahit ako kala ko joke lang si Ma’am P.

Bagong instructor si Ma’am P last sem (1^st sem) iba ang aura niya, parang laging mabigat ang kanyang dinadala. Simpleh lang naman si ma’am, hindi nga mahilig mag-make up. Nasa 50’s pa siguro si ma’am.

Kwento ng kwento lang sa mga buhay-buhay sa mga dumating na araw.

This Wednesday I’ve been telling, hindi ako under sa class niya but pumasok ako kasi nag-sit in lang ako naman ako para matuto at may kailangan din kasi akong iconfirm sa kanya na sasama ako sa isang outreach program sa kanilang lugar (zamboanga city).

Napasarap ang kwento namin ni ma’am about sa buhay-buhay, sa school, ano ang meron sa school na pinasukan ko, mga review ganyan lang naman. Dahil napasarap ang kwento she said na sa labas lang kami magusap dahil maingay sa classroom, nagdidiscuss ang mga students about sa outreach na yon.

So nasa labas kami ng classroom…

Mga 30 mins after kaming nagkwentohan biglang nagring ang celphone ko, my sister was calling me pala. So sinagot ko naman sa harap ni ma’am p. Biglang narinig ko ang kapatid ko na (umiiyak ng bongga) “ATEH, TULONG KASI SOBRA NA SILA!!! Hinahanap nila ang benefits ni mommy!!!” At biglang nagstop talaga ang world ko dahil nasa school ako at wala akong magawa to rescue my sister, alam kong may naririnig na naman syang hindi maganda galing sa mga pinsan namin. Nanginginig ako that moment dahil gusto ko sapakin isa-isa yong mga pinsan ko.

Pagkatapos ng call na yon, Ma’am P. said, “may problema kayo!” and I told her “yes I think so ma’am, that’s my sister!” and ang sabi ni ma’am P. “there’s a woman behind you, kanina pa yan nakatayo at nakinig sa ating usapan! Lumingon ako and dagdag ni ma’am P. na “she looks like you” and sabi ko “ma’am wag magjoke! Kasi patay na ang mama ko at siya lang ang kamukha ko!” she said seriously na “nasa likod siya kanina pa, nakangiti naman siya binabantayan ka niya!” and biglang tumulo luha ko talaga kasi alam ko mama ko yon eh, alam ko rin that  moment when my sister called me, kailangan talaga ng kapatid ko na ipagtanggol ko siya. sa oras na iyon ang sabi ko sa sarili ko "TANG INA SI MA'AM TOTOO PALA ANG KANYANG 3rd EYE!!!!" (may usapan na kasing may 3rd eye si ma'am at hindi naman alam ni ma'am p. na patay na ang mama ko)

That moment, I was in hurry to leave. Ma’am p. offered that she will pray for me, we prayed together and I gained that confidence na matagal ko na sanang ginawa sa mga pinsan ko. Ang moment na yon, na sinabi ni ma’am p. na nasa likod ang mama ko, at she prayed for me, I left na malakas ang loob ko harapin ang pinsan kong malakas makapanlait at manghusga.

I left the school and I called my cousin, war na war talaga sa celpon kasi sumisigaw na ako sa galit ko, simpleh lang naman ang sinabi ko “bakit kayo ang naghahanap ng benefits ng mama ko, we don’t even care for that anymore because we have a situation pa and hindi naman kayo anak to look for that, whatever obligation we have sa hospital, amin na iyon, responsibility na namin yon! Ang hirap sa inyo kasi mga swapang kayo!” mura to the max at nanginginig talaga yong kamay ko, boses ko at paa ko sa galit that time. Hindi pa ako actually  nacontento talaga. Tinawag ko ang pinsan ko para harapin ako. Ayaw niyang pumunta sa bahay instead nagpunta sa isang kapatid ng mama ko, doon kami nagmeet.

Boom! Bang!!! Sumabog talaga ako sa galit!!! The best I know na sinabi ko sa kanya was “kung sinasabi mong nakarma kami dahil kami ang pamilyang tinitingala niyo at nalugmok kami, have you heard of yourself? Kami ba talaga ang nakarma o kayo? Hindi ka pa pinanganak, may karma  na ang pamilya niyo dahil tatlo ang kabit ng tatay mo at hindi naitago yan sa inyo!! Wag niyo kaming idamay sa pagiging ampalaya niyo sa buhay niyo dahil may buhay din kami na amin lang!!!” ang dami kong sinabi na matagal ko na sanang ginawa talaga!!! I swear pero nagtimpi ako dahil ayaw ko magkagulo ang mga uncle at auntie ko lalo na magworry yong mama ko.

Sa lahat ng mga usapan na kasali ang emosyon, umiiyak ako, hindi ako makapagsalita pero sa moment na nagkaron ng confrontation, WALA, WALA AKONG LUHA!!! Ang tapang ko!!! Sabi nga ng kapatid ko, para akong nanay ko dahil kung magsalita, direct to the point at nakaka samurai yong dila ko! Punong puno talaga ako sa araw na yon.

Siguro kung hindi dahil kay ma’am p. hindi ko magawa ang pagkakataong yon! Siguro yon ang naghudyat sa akin na gawin ko na ang confrontation na yon dahil yon na ang tamang pagkakataon kong sumabog! Mula sa araw na iyon, nareconcile ang relationship namin magpipinsan, at dahil doon hindi na nila kami minamaliit at natapos din ang bayangan ng mga magpipinsan, ang relationship din ng mga tita at tito ko naayos rin. MINSAN ok ang confrontation sa tamang paraan.

Pero para sa’yo ma’am P. hindi ko talaga makalimutan ang moment na binigyan mo ako ng Goosebumps.

P.S.

Pasensya muna kayo hindi ako nakapagreply sa mga comments at hindi ako nakadalaw sa inyong mga bahay, busy lang talaga dahil sa mga requirements at malapit na rin ang midterm. Babawi ako pagnagkaron ako ng time. Salamat sa walang pagod at sawa na dalawin ako dito, napapasaya niyo ako kahit pagod na pagod.

 

Reality 7: I'll be there one day.

I accepted the fact that you are not here with me anymore, you can’t rant over the things I badly made, and I truly missed it. you let me go, and I did too, this is because I don’t want you to suffer more, so you won’t be in pain anymore. You let me decide on my own now, you cut my wings, and you cut me all. I didn't know how to live after you left, after you decided to let go of the things you used to have here with me. I know that there are situations we can’t even control. I also know I have been stubborn all the time but I learned. It wasn't all easy moving on knowing that you are the greatest strength that I have all my life, what I am now it is all because of you.

I feel that pain every day, the more they say how good you were, it breaks me, I always remember how we have suffered, how we fought our lives together and I left all alone now standing, moving forward and hoping for a new tomorrow. Whatever battle I have now, I am doing this for you, I am bringing back what we've lost. I will be there one day. I silently want to be more than what they think I can.

I know you’re still here with me, you’re still guiding me and you want to give me the life I deserve. You are still the reason I lived up to my dreams and survived up with some expectations. It may never be the same again but I am trying to live on what has been left in me. I am still pushing this dream.

One day, I will fly for free as you always told me, “the more you travel, the more you get smarter.” Someday, I will wake up in a hurry to catch up some flight for work, wearing my best corporate attire, when I arrived at my destination, somebody will open my car, a car that has a Philippine flag in front, shaking hands to dignitaries, talking to my own secretary for schedules, I will be standing in front to many, making a difference to individual, promoting new programs and services to improve the lives of the people.  Travelling abroad as well to give honor to our OFW's, attend to certain needs and problems, I will be a motivator in my own circle, family, friends and relatives. I will speak for our country someday. From the law of attraction, these are possible if I keep on thinking about this, if I attract this to happen, this will happen and I will make this to happen. 5 years from now I will go back and read this again.

All these dreams have been made because of my late mother who is pushing me even I was still a kid that I can do more than what she did. I miss you mommy! And you will always be an inspiration in getting these dreams. I’ll be there one day! I promise. =)

We both miss it

When I was in my first course in college, I have this guy bestfriend, I can defined him as refined, religious and funny.  We’ve seen our growth, we shared good and bad memories until situation parted our ways. We made a promise once that we will finish first our course bago mag-gf and mag-bf, I could still recall the 5 thousand pesos pustahan, whoever get into a relationship first will pay 5 thousand pesos. We’re still teenagers! We think that way! Hahaha

He was my bestfriend, and I was the last person to know nagkaroon siya ng girlfriend, and boom! I hated him so much that I wanted to throw him from the 5^th floor where our department belongs. I verbally expressed that I hate him, that he broke our usapan and I was really afraid that hindi siya makatapos dahil masisira ang buhay niya dahil sa pag-ggf! it’s not about the money but it’s loyalty and word of honor. Ang stupid ng isip ko noon! Hahaha now I realized how stubborn and selfish I was!! And it really happened, he stopped, he didn’t go to school anymore, I haven’t heard about him ever since.

A year or two I think, he came back to school, he tried to approach me but I was already closed. I still expressed my emotions that I was really mad at him. (i have no other reason of being mad except that promise, I don’t have any feelings for him!! He is just a friend to me!) Every time he wanted to talk to me, I refused and I openly express that he has no room in my life anymore. I lost him, she lost me.

More than 6 years had passed, maybe, I can’t count it. Our path crossed online, we talked sa ym, I even forgot na nag-away pala kami noon! Hahaha shit ang utak ko! Hahaha tan-enah!! He told me “I want to tell you that I consider you really as my bestfriend” and oh my god!! As in like, hell! I said “yeah, me too and I missed you” simple as that. Then our communication went off again because I keep on changing numbers at that time dahil may issue din ako sa own life ko! Hahaha and I know he is been busy also sa girlfriend niya, sa work and even his past time – online games.

Lately, I was online sa fb and I saw his updated profile, I come to like one of his updates and unexpectedly biglang beep! “hey musta?” and the conversation ended into having a coffee kapag may time. And I said “we need to catch up” and he replied “yah, a lot!” and I realized how many days of his lives I missed, the memories we should create, the laughter that we both shared and the ups and downs in his life being his best friend, I wish I was there walking with him.

Now we’re texting back again, just now and decided to meet tomorrow after how many years I avoided him, I ignored him. What I only wish now is I hope we could still patch things up and create new memories. Things may be different this time between us as best of friends, but let’s just see, kwento ko nalang bukas! Hahaha para may thrill naman! hehehe