Define me

I am tempted to look into your account, I wanted to know kumusta ka na, ano ang bago or sino ang bago but I chose not to do it because I know it will just kill me. It was the best of time, best relationship I’ve got, the best love I know and good memories to keep. Like I said lagi, I need to rationalize the thing that is happening so I will learn to stand and fight my emotions. Yes, I am strong but I know I am weak inside, I just don’t dare to show it. I wanted to cry all over again but to me kapag iiyak pa ako ng iiyak, para saan pa kaya yon? Wala na. it’s over and hindi na maibabalik lahat. It’s painful pero kailangan panindigan, I always believe in every end may bagong darating. Wish to see that pagbabago now, as in now na talaga!! I don’t want to wait it everyday!!

It bothers me kapag may nakikita akong bagay that will remind me of you, songs that I used to hear it from you. Ang definition ko sa move on is kapag may nakita kang mga bagay na madalas niyong ginagawa, you will not feel something anymore at kaya mo ng tingnan at pakinggan kung ano man iyon. I am trying to go back to the places we used to hang out, once again pinapakinggan yong kanta I used to hear and paks!!! There’s still a bit pain in my heart, so? Hindi pa ako nakapag-move on?! Ganon lang ba yon!? Hahaha

No one knows truly what I feel except this blog, I wanted to say it pero  no one will believe na I was really hurt, kasi nga matapang ako!! Hahaha everybody thinks that kaya kong ihandle lahat ng problema pero sometimes I fall down. I am waiting for the right time to say na yes! Finally ok na ako! Pero for now, it’s already been months and walang nagbago. Mahirap no?! feeling ko now this is a battle between my career and love life, and I am choosing my career over my own happiness. Feeling ko lang naman. Lels!! Maybe if I have the chance to choose again and if it is only right for us, I don’t know why I still choose you, maybe yan ang feeling ko for now but later it will change kapag move on na ako ng todo-todo! I just missed you, your smiles, jokes and being annoying late at night. Wherever you are now, whoever you are with, i hope there’s always a part of you that remains about me. 

Soft inside hard outside

I tried to rationalize everything that is happening in my life. This is my way of coping up, it worked for me, oo nag-work and nagstand out ako but sometimes I could still feel the pain inside me, I just don’t want to show it, I don’t even say it because knowing myself na matapang, pinanindigan ko talaga yan! I am strong pero mas mabilis akong umiyak! Mind you! Lels!! Hahaha I don’t know why ganon, maybe it’s already inside my heart na super soft ako pero hard lang akong tingnan! Hahaha

I was hurt and I tried to fight that, I cried and that’s enough for now. I understand that if its not meant to be, then its not. There are really things in life na hindi talaga pwede, we just need to accept that, it will hurt us but this will help us to grow, to believe in second chances. Slowly I am trying to understand myself, I learn to love myself even more because if I am not this strong matagal na siguro akong bumigay, with those problems na dinaanan ko at ng pamilya ko it made me stronger, mas nagiging fighter din ako when mom died. I stood for the family no matter what, kung dati I don’t speak, I don’t say what’s in my heart, ngayon all those things na hindi ko nagawa noon, I am doing it now.

At this stage in my life, ang daming nareveal na ugali na hindi ko nakita noon, and I am seeing my mother sa mga ugali ko ngayon, maybe because I grew up seeing her always, the success sa career niya, how to handle people na may problema at kailangan maging matapang ka everytime you listen to their problems. When I studied social work, life changed and i am more appreciative this time, I kept myself on the ground, I refrain from judging people and lahat ng yon nakita ko rin sa mommy ko, that’s why after a long journey sa buhay ko, I stand to follow her profession, to believe in change and to touch the lives of the people and that change won’t be possible to others if you don’t start it within you.