Reality 12: Masaya ang PBO

Dumating na nga si amang hari at ang anak ng hari sa republika ng pilipinas, yong saya ko hindi maitatago, naging maingay ako sa twitter dahil gusto kong abangan ang kanilang pagtouch down sa pilipinas. Ngayon ko lang ulit naramdaman ang pakiramdam na ito galing naman sa mga kaibigan sa blogspero, huli kong naramdaman ang excitement noong isang taon pa mula naman iyon sa taong minamahal ko. Rawwrr.

What you see is what you get in me, mula nong nabago ang buhay ko naging totoo ako sa sarili ko, naging open sa ano ang meron ako at wala man. Hindi maitago ang sayang iyon na dumating na sila dahil nasa isip ko finally makikita ko na sila ng personal hindi yong nasa likod ng isang blog or computer lang sila, mapipisil ko na, mabiro ng totoo, mabigyan ng squeeze hug bawat blogger na Makita ko sa meet up kaso hindi ko rin maitago ang lungkot na nararamdaman ko ngayon dahil just earlier naconfirm ko na hindi na pala ako makakapunta sa manila ngayon February 15, 2013 sa meet up ng mga pboers. Ang last hope ko kasing eroplano na airphil, tumaas na rin ang pamasahe, hindi na kinaya ng aking bulsa dulot sa midterm exams ngayong week na ito at wala akong mahugot na pera sa ngayon dahilan na rin sa dami ng babayarin.

Lagpas langit ang kagustohan kong pumunta para Makita ko sila isa’t isa at gumawa ng memories na pwedi kong balikan kahit saan man ako mapunta sa buhay ko. Naiiyak ako na hindi ko rin maexplain ang pakiramdam na ito dahil nabigo naman ako sa aking expectation, lagi ko pa naman sinasabing kapag iniisip ko na makakapunta ako at maabot ko yan, nangyayari dahil sa law of attraction na yan pero ngayon sinusubukan ako ng panahon at pagkakataon. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang kasiyahan ng mga bloggers na sa wakas magkikitakita na sila after ilang buwan na nakikipagkulitan sa mga comment sa blog at sa twitter.

Oo bothered talaga ako ngayon dahil nalungkot ako hindi ko naman maitatago ang pakiramdam na iyan, ayokong magpretend sa emotion ko ngayon, ayoko rin magpretend na meron ako na wala naman dyan. Parang hanggang pangarap lang na makasama ko ang mga bloggers at pboers sa araw ng kanilang meet up sa February 15. Una ko sanang pagkakataon na makasama ang mga taong nagbigay saya sa akin for the past months na sobrang down ako sa buhay ko, yong mga kakulitan ko na hindi matapos tapos hanggang hindi napapagod kakadaldal. Natagpuan ko ang isang kaligayan sa pagbblog na nakita ko na may mga tao pa lang totoo kahit nasa social network site kayo nagkakakilala kaysa nasa harap mo araw-araw, dito ko naramdaman na bawat problema ay may solution may mga tao na nagpapangiti sayo despite of what you’ve been going through personally sa buhay mo.

Hanggang dito nalang muna, malungkot man ako ngayon pero makakarecover din ako. Sana maging masaya at makabulohan ang mga meet ups ninyo aking mga kaibigan sa blogspero.

hangsarap mag hiatus lol pasok nako sa banga! =(

May acido ata sa dugo ko

I am trying to hold my patience to peple na walang ginawa but to pull you down, doesn’t like what you do, naiinggit, at ayaw magpatalo sa mga simpleng bagay. Gusto ko man harapin ang mga taong ganyan, I just can’t. tan-eneng minsan tong new course pinasukan ko dahil the first principle is “acceptance” tanggapin lahat ng tao dahil bawat tao ay unique, may kanya-kanyang ugali at values na pinamana ng mga magulang nila, this principle hold my values, nurtured me to be a better person din! Pigil na pigil na ako sa lagay na ito ha! Hahaha I just don’t care anymore what other people say this time, hindi tulad dati na super reaction paper ako, iyak kagad, ganon ako ka-weak, ngayon nasobrahan, naging bato slight! Para lang sa mga tao yan na makapal ang mukha!! Pero sa mga tao, bata at matanda nasa daan or institution, kung pwedi lang ayaw ko ng tingnan o kausapin kasi di ko mapigilan umiyak! Hahaha chos!! Totoo! Walng jowk! Hahaha hindi ko kayah teh!!

Mahapdi ang mga dugo na dumadaloy sa katawan ko now! meganun talaga! Dagdag pa ang background na kanta “I’m almost over you!” lenteks na pag-eemo nakakadala nga! Ayoko na nito! Dumudugo na pati ilong ko! Hindi na ako bitter sa pagkakaalam ko pero nakakamiss naman yong tao minsan, the things you two used to do! (alam ko ang nasa isip mo, hindi yon! Oki? Hahaha) aray na aray ako talaga ngayon! Hahaha bakit ba kasi may background music pa while nagbblog ako! Dagdag hapdi sa katawan lang! kahapon until kanina, slight inis na inis ako sa kasama kong pakialamera tapos ng dahil sa kanta, ito shifted into different mood. Resilient ako eh walang makikialam! Hahaha Parang gusto ko ‘tong mood na emo-emohan kaysa nagagalit ako, tatanda ako maaga teh!! Hahaha malapit na akong maiyak dito sa opisina dahil dito sa “can’t you see – tiffany” hahahaha pigil na pigil na ako mga teh!! Malapit na talaga to!!

Stop, stop, stop… ayoko na! hahaha tanggap ko na ha, in fairness to me, but heller naman baket di ko pa masyadong kereh ang mga love songs!! Mag 2013 na at mag-vavalentines na naman! Hahahaha ang bilis ng panahon! Wag lang mag end of the world, okay lang mag pag-asa pa! hahaha shonganga na ako, iba ang introduction ko sa ending phase ko!! Hahahaha ayaw pa rin tumigil ng kanta, kailangan ko na ata burahin ang mga kantang ‘to! Hahaha cold feet and hands ang nakukuha ko ngayon! Walang effect ang kapeh-kat na ininom ko habang ginagawa ko to!

Basta yan na yan ngayon, hahaha

Kung dumikit sa hita, wagas!

Atch! Na allergy! Malas! It’s in my thigh and butt! Hahaha I was with this culminating activity, pang finals ang banat, we conducted it sa beach and guess what, it rained! Sucks! Eh!? But it’s really really fun that all of us enjoyed it! We sat on the sand, crawl and played a little games. We ended almost 12 in the midnight. The next morning, I just realized there’s something itchy in my legs up to my thigh and butt. I look into it and boom! Boom! It seems a lot of insects suck it! Hahaha shit!

3 days after, it’s gone. No treatment, no ointment. Then it’s a long weekend next dahil undas na. we went to my mother’s grave, my lola and lolo and other relatives. The last thing I remember, I only sat adjacent to my mom’s grave, hindi siya tiles pero pebbles lang to be specific. That night, doing my usual routine I felt again there’s something itchy. Fuck! There goes my allergy again! And I wondered how it happened, I only sat to that pebbles then? Boom! Again?! The hell!

Ang pangit ng pwet ko! I swear to mother earth! Hahaha I can’t even look kasi parang isang mukha lang na butas-butas dahil sinumpa ang pimples! When was that? Undas? Until now, paks! Hell! Nandito pa rin! I tried all the ointment, medicine, wa epeks! Oh man! My aunt-grandmother says baka isang “buyag” (I don’t know what’s the English or tagalog with that word) dahil may natapakan akong mga puntod na hindi ako nagpapaalam, I find it too much if that is kasi until now galit pa rin sila sa akin! Hahaha

I tried all the rituals to let this remove in my thigh, bumili na ako ng ingredients na ginagamit ng mga albularyo to take all away the evil spirits, wa epeks pa rin! Hahaha i made all the research in the internet about this, it all came out na dermatitis lang, simpleng reddish, may malaki at maliit, it’s like an insect bite,  it’s common to me, I always have this since I was a child, I just wondered bakit feel na feel pa rin niya hipoin ang hita ko! Ang bastos naman ng dermatitis  nato! I need to take anti-histamine so I will have a good sleep at night! Hope not to see it the next morning dahil it’s really itchy! Hahaha

Inggit ka lang

Ano kaya ang meron why I feel betrayed? I almost about to reach my dreams pero you are trying to pull me down, you are manipulating everybody, you appear to be the person na laging tama and you always believe na kaya mo ang lahat! i don’t want to attend with that emotion but sometimes you are doing something that proves na sinasadya mo! I don’t mind it but I can see it with my two eyes and hear it from my hears kung ano ang ginagawa mo. We all have our dreams and I am clean to say that I don’t have any intentions of pulling other people to make myself na maging mas mataas because I know we have our own way to cross.

I come this far and there is no way of stepping back, all I know sa sarili ko now is that bahala na, just do what you want to do to pull me down, wala akong pakialam naman. I know what I can do, I know how far I will go and  I won’t give up no matter what. It’s almost there oh! Aatras pa ba ako? I know one day, I will be better than you, mas mataas pa makukuha ko if I am going to continue what I have started. There’s no one can stop me from what I am doing, I love the life I have right now and all my efforts will be paid off one day. I trust myself more this time and I will stand for that.

I know who are true and who are not, and I believe that secretly you are trying to crash me. Ok na ok sayo if you need a favour, gusto mo ikaw ang laging kinakaawan, sa totoo lang ikaw ang kawawa, dahil isang dakilang plastic ka! Hahaha lels! Dapat sa mga taong tulad mo, nililibing! Sinasaksak! Hahaha I am just waiting for the right moment na masabi ko sayo lahat ang yan, sa panahon na kaya ko ng ipagmalaki ang pangarap ko at paninindigan ko sa buhay! It will not take long. Basta ang alam ko,  you reap what you sow. Tandaan yan!

Secret comfort zone

I am not ready to reveal what my real feelings towards other people, this blog site, I am keeping this for long, I kept it as a secret to my family, friends and acquaintances either, I am not afraid to be judged by them, I know who are real and not. It is just a choice not to tell them about it because I just don’t want it. I’d rather trust people who have same passion virtually than sharing these to people I know they will just talk about you. I take this as my secret comfort zone and I’d rather leave it that way.

What I have shared here is different of how they see me personally, I am stiff, I have strong personality, straight forward, I tell directly what I want and don’t, I sometimes want things to be done immediately, growing up now I have learned to value time that’s why I hate procrastination. I always insist that yes I have strong personality but not everybody  knows I am sweet, it just doesn’t show and can’t be justified the way I speak. I have a big heart, but I just want to keep it to myself.

How you act doesn’t define who you are, that’s what I have learned in life. Do what makes you happy, in every little thing you do, make sure you find contentment. Life is easy, we just make it complicated, if we learn to be contented in all the things we do, probably there will be no more confusions and we learn to value what we have. I don’t care too much now on how people think about me, I let them talk, I let them throw me a stone and I make it sure I throw them back kindness despite of how they think about me. This is me and I cannot change that, if I'll do that, I will never be me at all. Being good to other people no matter how they break you, you will still stand out, because you just proved to them that you are strong enough to face them and I learned to do that after all this time. 

Just go

I still think of you after all this time, I just don’t have the heart anymore to say how you've been and how you’re holding up. It’s just so painful, I know, but this is all for the best, for the best of you and me. I still want to say how much I love you but it’s not right anymore. I could still hear you laughing, your smile kills me. If only I could turn back everything to make things right for us, I wish I could. Loving you is the best thing I did in my life and I never regret that.

I wish I could still say it how much I miss you, the endless goodnights and I love you’s, waking me up in the middle of the night just to make me feel I am secured. I surely miss all that. It’s killing me. It has been so hard but I am trying everything I could to forget you. I had the best of times with you and I just can’t throw it all away like that. I don’t know where in the world you are now and I don’t want to know anymore, I don’t want to feel that pain again, I don’t want to go back in time where I felt I was so drowned.

I have my family and friends, yes, but I still feel so empty, I just couldn't explain it. It’s not right anymore, it’s not gonna work and I am not holding it back everything between us because without me now, your life will be in much place. You will be seeing your true happiness in time and I am not yet so sure if my heart supports that. I just wanted to shout what’s in my heart now, I just couldn't, I already did that once and I don’t want to do it again.

I am really trying but I didn't realize that this will hurt me so much. I am not yet ready to let you go because I just don’t know how. i am even afraid to know if you have given your heart already to someone new, I am not ready for that even. I understand my feelings but I can’t find a way to comfort it. How long I will go through this? I can’t wait to see what lies ahead of me, I know there is, because I believed that in every end there’s a new beginning. I hope this is all temporary for now because I can’t bare it anymore. 

kailangan ko ng headset!!

Owlord Jesus mary! Maaga ako sa office kanina than the usual (lagi kasi ako late eh!! Hahaha) maganda ang panahon, medyo maulan (ohh sendong pls wag ka ng bumalik!) kaso when I got into the office umulan ng mga bunganga naman!! At ikwento ko anong nangyari, ipagdasal ko na masummarize ko lahat. Hahaha

Putak ng putak ang isa kong kasama dahil sa overtime (may overtime dahil sa sendong lels!!) dahil ayaw  niyang magbawas ng kahit konti para ibigay sa nagttrabaho ng mga payroll namin, at madaming reasons na binigay niya, noted naman talaga siyang may hokos pokos dito sa opisina pero kebs ang lahat ng tao dito dahil kami nalang ang nahihiya para sa kanya. Siya ang laging naghahabol sa pera, minsan na niya akong niloko, ilang beses nangungutang pero hindi marunong magbayad kaya ngayon NO WAY akong magpautang sa kanya kahit bente pinagdadamot ko talaga!! Hahaha

Alam kong madaming kababalaghan nangyayari dito sa office namin mula nong siya ang may hawak ng mga stocks sa opisina, no say nalang ako kasi ako ang pinakabata dito at ayokong irisk ang aking values baka diko mapigilan mawala ako sa sarili ko at magfeeling feelingan na tama ako!! Shet!!

  

So back sa topic, galit na galit sya, ingay2x niya, paulit-ulit walang katapusan ang sinasabi so ako nagtimpi ako, ng nakalabas siya, sumigaw lang ako to release my stress at natawa ang boss ko so sabi ko  "I NEED A HEADSET!! ang ingay eh!!," na-istress ako sa kanya!! Punyetas niya!! Dahil madami siyang ginagawang kalokohan takot syang balikan nito, minumulto na siya, mukha na siyang lola na nasa 40s pa naman sana ang age niya (manlait na ako talaga, galit ako eh!! Hahaha) yan ang sinasabi ng matatanda na kahit anong sikap gawin mo kung sa masama naman galing ang pera, hindi ka rin aasenso which is happening to her 6 years ago na ganon at ganon pa rin hindi siya umuusad, tumanda nalang ako ng slight dito sa office, ganon pa rin sya!! hahaha

Araw2x na lang kasi ginawa ni lord na sobrang ingay niya, laging galit na wala namang dahilan kaya bumili ako ng headset para through my action, maipahiwatig ko sa kanya na I am not interested sa kanyang pagbubunganga!! Wala akong pakialam sa overtime (maliit kasi ang ot ko dahil siya lang naghokos pokos na maglagay, sa kanya ang malaki, kapal ng mukha!!) sa kanila baka mas need niya ng lalaki niya!! Oo kahit lola ang mukha niya kumikiringking pa rin siya sa iba!!! Futa!! Hahaha siya na!! siya na ang may bonggang buhay!!

Ako ang taong di nakikialam, kaya kong di makipagusap dito sa opisina basta nakaonline lang ako tahimik na ang buhay ko, as I’ve said the same sa mga previous post ko, simply lang ang buhay ko, tahimik ako at di ako madaldal, di ako nakikichismis as much as possible sa mga kaopisina ko, pag may narinig ako hindi ko na ito sinasabi sa iba para hindi mapagsimulan ng gulo, at contento na ako sa buhay ko.

Happy ako to have my new headset para lang masabi ko dito sa opisina na ang ingay niyo!!! Hahaha I ate sundae na rin sa Jollibee to relieve my stress and its working!! Kalahati pa lang ng araw ko yan ha!!! Hahaha 

Hindi forever tanga ang isang tao

Para akong tanga while listening to my deviance class kasi sa totoo lang hindi naman natin malalaman na deviant na tayo if mismong word na yan hindi nag-eexists sa daily life natin. Shet! Haha yon ang stand ko lagi to myself that since now ko lang nalaman ang term ng deviant or deviance (meaning nito eh beyond norms, beyond normal na action sa isang tao) nakikita ko na ang pagiging deviant ko! Potah! Hahaha this is where I learned to accept my whole being (may genun talaga) kasi sa totoo lang in denial kasi ako sa lahat ng nararamdaman ko kahit sobrang hurt na aki!! Kebs pa rin!! Pero  malambot pa ako sa mammon pag di na keri!! Haha

Ito na ang kwento ko at ikarir kong ichismis ang buhay ko sa inyo. Sinabi ko sa last post ko na dumaan ako sa isang depression na hindi ko alam depression na pala yon! Hahaha shet talaga!! Kahapon sa klase ko yon ang pinagusapan at pinag-aralan, ako keep quiet lang kasi tinatamaan ako sa pinagsasabi ng teacher ko about sa depression, kebs lang muna ako, gusto kong tumawa man sa sarili ko kasi wala akong kamalay malay na ang pinagdaanan ko eh sobrang depression na pala yon noon. Good thing because I learned it, I just laughed about it now and I accepted it.

I got depressed kasi I stopped schooling noon for 1 semester and I feel like nadisappoint ko ang parents ko. Hindi naman ako nalulong sa druga no, hindi rin naman sa love life pero yong hiya sa sarili, sa ibang tao at sa pamilya. Wala lang akong gana magaral noon kasi madaming problema na dumating, hindi ko kinaya paano ko harapin, mahina ang loob ko at wala akong laban kahit gusto ko mang lumaban parang helpless na helpless ako. Normal lang nagagalit ang magulang pero sa mga pagkakataong yon hindi ko alam bakit ganon ang naging reaction ko, sa sobrang hiya ko nagkulong ako sa kwarto.

At ito ang naging routine ko sa araw2x na yon.

Sa umaga late akong gumising, I am waiting for my parents to leave for office and my sister to go to school. buong umaga nasa kwarto lang ako, sa hapon nasa garahe lang ako at nagiisip at nakatingin sa langit, wala akong kausap, hindi ako nakikipagusap sa kahit sino, wala akong outlet. Feeling ko wala na akong kinabukasan at wala na akong silbi. Pagdating ng 5pm pasok na naman ako ulit sa kwarto kasi parating na sila galing work, hindi ako kakain buong gabi, kinaumagahan na ako kakain pag wala na naman sila. Yong kwarto ko ayoko ng ilaw, gusto ko madilim lang.

Ngayon ko lang narealize na na-depressed na pala ako noon kasi halos 2 months yon na ganon ang naging buhay ko, wala akong kausap at wala akong mapuntahan, hindi pa uso ang blogging noon kaya hindi ko naisip iladlad ang sarili ko dito. Lels. Natatawa ako ngayon nalang kasi nalagpasan ko ang stage na yon at nagawa kong ibangon ulit ang sarili ko kahit until now alam kong may sayad pa rin ang utak ko paminsan minsan, keri nalang!!

Salamat sa social work na kors dahil sayo naging tao na ako!! Hahaha nakakapagfunction na ako ng mabuti sa ibang tao at para sa sarili ko!! Haha debaterya!!

If you just want to know what's my secret

I just remembered when I started to face my life after the death of my mother, I am trying to search my own soul, myself and I have been so bothered with a lot of things, there’s a lot in my mind but I couldn’t find a way to express it. I am known to a few close friend of mine that I am not a talky type person, I seldom talk about my emotions and feelings, I am afraid of giving comments because I don’t to hurt other people as much as possible.

I believed in the power of mind, kasi when I told myself that I need to break the silence, I need to express what I feel, what’s inside my heart and what I am thinking, it happened in just one click. Its TRUE that if you want it, you will have it. In the case I had, it was a week that I am emotionally unstable. After work and class I couldn’t help but cry or i always feel that anger in my heart. Since hindi ko na kaya, I decided to consult a social worker in our department to seek a professional help.

I talked to our program coordinator who is a social worker licensed. I was crying and crying, I am not satisfied sa ano man ang iniyak ko, she just let me cry everything, she gave me a room to let out all my anger, hatred and my hidden feelings that moment. Parang isang doctor lang din sya na binigyan ako ng resita, yong resita na hindi gamot but a resita na dapat kong panoorin baka sakali daw magbago ang perspective ko sa buhay.

I downloaded what she told me, I tried to watch it but sa simula pa lang nabored ako eh so I ignore it. Kebs lang ako!! In denial pa rin ako in everything to what I feel, I am starting to understand what is really going on sa sarili ko pero andon pa rin yong galit ko sa pagkawala ng mom ko dahil she died na puro pasakit ng mundo ang binigay sa kanya, okay lang kasi yong walang ibang taong involved pero dahil there are people caused her too much pain, yon ang mahirap tanggapin.

One Sunday we had a personal encounter activity sa social work class namin. We were given a chance to speak one by one our strength, weaknesses and threat sa dreams at buhay namin. So I speak for myself. I thought that’s the end. The following day I come to visit her for just a small talk, kala ko she forgot kung ano2x ang mga pinagsasabi ko pero alam pa rin niya and sobrang natinag ako to what she just told me that moment “tapos na yon!! Leave it behind, tapos na ang sa mama mo, siya yon at ikaw ang ngayon, gawin mo ang para sayo hindi para sa mama mo!!” yong halong may galit pa talaga. Wala akong masabi, parang nahiya ako na hindi ko maexplain ang feeling ko that moment. At dahil dun, yong resita na sabi ko na binigay niya, I tried to watch it, this time pinagtyagaan ko, then i have learned kung ano talaga ang gusto niya mangyari sa buhay ko and ito ako ngayon I can say I am better, I have moved on and accept those things na noon parang ang hirap2x at ang feeling ko everyday was I am always hurt. I also learned her secret in life through the resita she gave me it’s “the secret.”

You might want to watch it, baka makatulong din sa inyo. Ngayon, I am learning also to accept the law of attraction in our life. Life is a little better now kahit lagi pa rin akong confused sa mga ilang bagay!! Punyeteks!! hahaha

Age is not unlimited like globe telecom

There is a mixed emotion that I myself don’t even understand what the hell is going on with me and my current emotions. I feel so empty. I think that’s the right word. I tried to search and find myself. I keep on pretending that I am okay, na kaya ko ang lahat even my heart bleeds. i have my friends with me na nakakasabay kong tumawa pero after ng tawa biglang wala na naman, I feel empty pa rin.

Maybe dumating na sa point ng life ko that i am ready to re-open my heart again, ready ako pero I am not even sure enough kung kaya ko ba. I know I have my dreams now, I am working with my dreams and even that I found that fulfillment parang may kulang pa rin. I am trying to search what I really want now, I keep on reading, talking  pero there’s still kulang in between.

 

I believed that we don’t need to search for the person we want to love for, it will just come on the time the least we expect to an unexpected place. How long I will have to wait for him. Parang ang bilis ng panahon ngayon, sa dami ng ginagawa natin sa buhay araw2x mas lalong mabilis ang oras lumiit din ang mundo. I felt that hindi na tayo aabot sa 70^th birthday natin para makapagblog ng makapagblog, unlimited nato pero ang buhay natin hindi naman kasing unlimited ng globe or smart. Lol

 

Midlife sickness or crisis ata tong naramdaman ko ngayon!! Hahaha punyetahs!!! hahaha

Ang tao kung makapaghusga nga naman

Ang tao nga naman talaga ay tao lang! kung ano ang nakikita, yon na kagad ang nakatatak sa isip. Hindi ko personality ang magpretend dahil yon ang gusto ng ibang tao or majority reasons eh dahil kailangan dahil isang image ng babae ako. It is been an issue sa ibang tao kung ano ako, they will always have that judgment na “tomboy” or a “bisexual’ and the like, whatever it is, IT’S NOT!! I am straight yon ang alam ko sa pagkatao ko!!

Almost all of the people who will look at me will directly judge me kung ano ako at sino ako (putah dibah!!) dahil sa kilos ko na boyish then hinuhusgaan ka na kagad!! I grew up with my dad because my mom was so busy sa career niya, my childhood was with my dad, kung ano ang laro ng panlalaki yon din ang nilalaro ko syempre alangan naman maglalaro ng barbie yong tatay ko diba? Definitely, marbles, kite, sipa bola and yong laro ng mga batang lalaki yon ang nagagawa ko noon.

Ngayon na super grown up na ako, I am labeled and judged na “tomboy” dahil lang sa kilos ko. It is not my fault naman siguro na ganito ako gumalaw, magsalita na parang lagi akong galit (LOL). Ang masasabi ko lang wala naman akong any relationship ever with the same sex, at hindi rin naman ako nagkakagusto sa same sex so how can that be? Diba?! hindi ko rin naman masabi na confused ako kasi alam ko naman ano ang gusto ko (hmmm...) at ano/saan ako maging masaya (LOL)

I have been into relationships pero hindi lang talaga nagwowork dahil mas dominant ako at ayoko kasi sa lalaki na ako pa ang magtuturo kung ano ang dapat gawin at I don’t want that he is learning from me but gusto ko I am learning something from him. Kaya malamang walang tumagal!! (hahaha)

Mas kilala ko ang sarili ko higit kanino pa man and this is the time I am confident enough to bring up issues like this kasi isa lang ang masabi ko “handa na akong isiwalat ang buhay ko dito!!”  (hahaha may ganong balak talaga!!) I just really don’t understand people, madami akong kilala nga nagdadamit sobrang sexy pero kasama nila sa bahay eh isang “bisexual” tapos ako na nagdadamit lang ng t-shirt, pants at sneakers napagkakamalan ng tomboy!! Ano ba namang buhay to diba!! Ang tao nga naman!!!

Hindi naman porket 2012 na ngayon eh magdamit ako ayon sa gusto ng ibang tao para lang hindi ako mahusgahan!! I don’t think I need to please everybody, medyo tumanda na ako ng konti ata sa pagtatanggol sa sarili ko sa ibang tao dahil lang sa kilos ko kaya this time gaya ng dati, keber!!! Mamatay nalang sa inggit kung ako ay may future pang makapag-asawa!! (hahaha)

Medyo hindi ako sa women’s department, hindi rin naman sa men’s siguro pwede na sa akin ang unisex department kung meron man!! Dahil katawan babae ako pero ang mga damit ko ay simply lang, tshirt, pants at sneakers!! Basta ang alam ko straight ako kahit ano pang sabihin ng ibang tao, nagkataon lang talaga na yong kilos ko eh mas macho pa sa ibang nagmamacho-machohan!! (hahaha)

The very first morning of SENDONG

7:00 am – I woke up and prepare myself to go to school for a party for the children of Cala-cala, macasandig (totally wash out area) and Singapore, balulang. My mind was already set that we will have a party that Saturday morning.

I wasn’t able to sleep well that night because walang kuryente.

Around 8:00 am – I am on my way to school, as I pass along the Capistrano st. I have seen people walking na puro putik, ang iba naman nakaupo sa corner ng daan, magkasama ang buong pamilya. A part of the street going down (isla delta) makikita mo yong putik na hanggang tuhod, so I said to myself that moment na normal lang yon since lagi ko naman naririnig na nagkakaron ng baha in the area.

Pagkadating ko sa school mga 8:30 na ata yon, nakiramdam ako at lahat ng tao wala kang Makita na nakasmile, lahat parang nagpapanic. So I went to our department at ayon doon ko nalaman na may masamang nangyari sa city.

Mga 1 am pala non – I received a text from a classmate ang sabi niya “grabeh yong baha sa bridge” dahil hindi ako comfortable that night kasi nga walang kuryente, I just ignore his text.

Busy lahat ng tao sa school, syempre yong party definitely wala na dahil nga na-wash out yong area, ang party sana naming that morning eh yong mga bata na nakatira sa cala-cala. Dahil nasa social work program ako (I am studying social work currently) nagging busy kami with the immediate needs of the victims.

Mga 10:00 in the morning na siguro yon when I and my friends/classmates decided to look for a food kasi wala pa kaming kain (nag-expect kasi kami sa party), lahat tindahan around the school premises WALANG RICE, even Jollibee at that time near our school SARADO. Ikot kami ng ikot, nagtanong kami sa mga tindahan bakit naubosan ng rice, sabi nila most of the people ONLY BUY RICE at that time. I felt the scarcity of food and water din that morning at lahat ng tindahan laging may nakapila, unusual yong ganon sa ordinary days lang.

Mafefeel mo talaga yong gutom ng mga tao, uhaw sa tubig at yong grief nila over to their loved ones na nawala at missing pa yong iba. Yong oras parang ang bilis-bilis at that time, lahat naghahanap saan na yong mga kapamilya nila, kamag-anak, sa piling daan may Makita kang patay na tinakpan lang ng kumot nag-aantay ng kamag-anak para kunin. It was the worst, sad morning I felt in my whole life.

i don't own this pic. i just got this from google.

I don’t know how to react, how I can help the victims, how can I comfort them either. In the afternoon, ng magbukas na ang Jollibee, we hurried and charged our cellphones for communication. Kahit Jollibee naubusan din ng pagkain, basta ang natandaan ko lang na natira sa kanila that time is yong spaghetti at kahit water ubos na ren.

Late in the afternoon, almost mag-gabi na we went to west city central to delivered food for the victims (yong luto na talaga ready to eat na) and after sumama kami sa cosmopolitan funeral homes kasi yong kasama namin (isang madre) may dinalaw sa funeral home at doon nakita ko ang mga pamilya na naka-abang dahil nawawala yong kamag-anak nila at nagbabakasakali na Makita man lang nila yong bangkay.

It was a long day for me. Actually in between madami pa akong hindi naikwento, isusunod ko nalang. The whole night, hindi ako nakatulog. Sa totoo lang, I was really bothered kahit sino naman siguro. Wala man akong kamag-anak na nagging victim sa sendong pero as a citizen, I couldn’t imagine how they survived that catastrophe. Paulit-ulit nasa utak ko “what if sa akin or sa amin nangyari yon” ano kaya ang gagawin ko, mabubuhay pa kaya ako? (sad)

It was designed to teach me

From my old blog 2 years ago...

When we look back on how we lived our lives, made decisions, chose paths to take and realize that we regret doing the things we’ve done, the choices we’ve made and the roads we chose to follow. There should be no room for regrets because everything in our lives happened for a reason. A purpose…all events and choices lead us to where we ought to be. Our destiny…so we have no reason at all.

Things happen because they are designed to teach you something. Every step you take, positive or not, you will find hurdles in your way, discouraging you, willing you to fail.  Sometimes you give in and do fail. And other times, you don’t. But with each passing hurdle, each fall, you are carved into a different person, just like the molten iron which must be beaten before it attains its final beauty and form. Remember that life was designed to give you that splendor of shape and sinew, and that it could never have been achieved with you making the mistakes you made and realizing them never to make them again. Regrets come in the way of your will to never make the same mistakes again and if it were for them, you would just end up getting beaten harder and harder, till the iron smith realizes you cannot be carved and throws you away for good.

Moving on will help you make yourself into something and someone that you, yourself can respect, despite the hand of fate or destiny or incidents in making you that person.

ECCD assignment caused my emotions

I paused for a while doing my “late” assignment for my elective-eccd subject as I have recalled the memories mom and dad created for me. It was a happy childhood, a perfect and healthy family. It’s too early mom left us, it’s not easy especially now that mom always wanted me take a big part to be in her profession which whatever achievements, frustrations, desperation, and happiness I have now she will never hear it, see it or appreciate it personally.

I have no choice but to stand in behalf of my mom, I am the eldest and I need to carry myself more than how my mom carried us through. I thought I am strong enough to carry all the pain in my heart but I am too weak everytime I remember the good deeds mom did to others that despite of being seriously committed to her profession, some people would destroy you because of positions they wanted to have it, insecurity could kill the person’s value and dignity. I am not yet over with them! That’s the honest answer I know now from my heart.

I still grieve and others may not see it or feel it but deep inside me I always think that mom is just around but when I think profoundly, I know she is not with us anymore. I sometimes caught myself to have mom’s ways of delivering wisdom, to have mom’s gestures and points of view in life. Physically I am my mom’s “carbon copy” we both have strong personality but people who really knew us inside and out they knew we were weak inside.

I am thankful enough that even how hard in my part emotionally to take up social work, there is already an acceptance of mistakes which I did in the past that surely I will never repeat the same mistakes again. I was just too weak to face the reality and my coping mechanism was too slow that I called it now as “I was been dysfunctional once.” with what I went through, it helped me now motivate, set my goals and I am getting my strength out of that mistakes.

I slowly understand why there are things in our life happened the way we don’t want it however, it helped us to be strong along the way and I already believed on “things always happens for a reason” we may not know the reason now but later of course we will find it out.

This is another battle of my life, another chapter to tackle with and I know whatever I have now is a big preparation of what I will be or what I will become in the future. 

"bitter" OFF

I decided to create another blog so I can move on to another chapter of my life. I’ve had enough for the pain, frustrations, desperation in the old blog and I know it will be hard for me to face another battle of my life where my mom is not around anymore. I tried to be strong, I tried everything I could, I remained to be strong even if I am losing my strength because I know one day I am going to overcome all of these. 

This will be a new start of my life, in every end there’s always a better beginning. Despite of everything, I am enjoying my new world, my new life. I feel my worth, I am happy even if I am empty inside. There’s still a part me now I wanted to be settled yet I don’t know when will be the right time for that, I don’t even know when my heart is ready to say that “it’s okay” because I know for now, it is not really okay! 

I don’t want to reach the end that I am still bitter, that I am still in pain, that the only I have in my heart is revenge! I tried all the means and way to ease the pain, to somehow forget the pain, I have prayed hard that God will heal me every day, that I may not hear anything about them, that I may not see them for now because I honestly admit it that I am in the height of my anger. They can’t give back the life of my mom, not even millions of dollars will help relieve me. 

Well, I hope their daughters will never experience more than a thousand of pain we went through! We will never understand one person’s situation until we will go through the same as theirs.