Reality 7: I'll be there one day.

I accepted the fact that you are not here with me anymore, you can’t rant over the things I badly made, and I truly missed it. you let me go, and I did too, this is because I don’t want you to suffer more, so you won’t be in pain anymore. You let me decide on my own now, you cut my wings, and you cut me all. I didn't know how to live after you left, after you decided to let go of the things you used to have here with me. I know that there are situations we can’t even control. I also know I have been stubborn all the time but I learned. It wasn't all easy moving on knowing that you are the greatest strength that I have all my life, what I am now it is all because of you.

I feel that pain every day, the more they say how good you were, it breaks me, I always remember how we have suffered, how we fought our lives together and I left all alone now standing, moving forward and hoping for a new tomorrow. Whatever battle I have now, I am doing this for you, I am bringing back what we've lost. I will be there one day. I silently want to be more than what they think I can.

I know you’re still here with me, you’re still guiding me and you want to give me the life I deserve. You are still the reason I lived up to my dreams and survived up with some expectations. It may never be the same again but I am trying to live on what has been left in me. I am still pushing this dream.

One day, I will fly for free as you always told me, “the more you travel, the more you get smarter.” Someday, I will wake up in a hurry to catch up some flight for work, wearing my best corporate attire, when I arrived at my destination, somebody will open my car, a car that has a Philippine flag in front, shaking hands to dignitaries, talking to my own secretary for schedules, I will be standing in front to many, making a difference to individual, promoting new programs and services to improve the lives of the people.  Travelling abroad as well to give honor to our OFW's, attend to certain needs and problems, I will be a motivator in my own circle, family, friends and relatives. I will speak for our country someday. From the law of attraction, these are possible if I keep on thinking about this, if I attract this to happen, this will happen and I will make this to happen. 5 years from now I will go back and read this again.

All these dreams have been made because of my late mother who is pushing me even I was still a kid that I can do more than what she did. I miss you mommy! And you will always be an inspiration in getting these dreams. I’ll be there one day! I promise. =)

How will you understand them?

One of the challenges I encountered every day in my life especially in the office is yong you are talking to different people and hearing different sentiments in their life, I may say we have problems but if we look into the bigger picture, there are more na mas mabigat at mahirap ang problema if you are just sensitive enough to lend your ears.

There are a lot of cases every day, there are also common, but one thing I assure you is, they have different stories. You know, if you are a psychology graduate or studying psych, social work or even sociology you will understand most of the things that Is happening around us, we are sensitive to things, situations and even our own family situations, we are very careful to that. But to those na walang background, it doesn’t matter at all, other people in the rural to be specific, their only priority is mapakain ng tatlong beses ang pamilya nila in one day, swerte na yon if three meals na.

I met a lot of people already, mayaman at mahirap, pero isa lang ang narealize ko all this time working, pare-pareho tayo ng nararamdaman when our immediate family goes to the hospital, walang mahirap at mayaman if you have a deadly disease. The difference between the government hospital and the private, it’s too big, pero hindi lahat ng nakaprivate hospital, lahat nakakabayad, dahil sa laki ng bill, kailangan mangutang or magsangla ng property para mailabas ang kanilang pasyente. Sa government naman, maliit ang bayad, madami ka pang pweding puntahan to pay the remaining amount of the bill pero kailangan mong mag-tiis at makipagsiksikan sa hospital.

One of the most challenging cases I have handled is yong nag-lalabor, young age, teenager, may ka-live in partner at ang haharap sayo, mga magulang pa rin nila and when you ask them a question “how old are you nanay when you had your first child?!” ang sagot “kasing edad ng anak kong nanganak, mam!” history repeats itself?! tama ba ako? Oo kasi yon ang nakikita nila, yon ang naririnig nila and these children thought that it’s right, minsan ang iba they made an excuse na hiwalay ang magulang at kailangan nila ng kasama. Ikaw, pano mo isipin ang ganyang situation? Is it acceptable? Reasonable? Justifiable? Ako, depende yan, kasi there are cases naman na rape victim, nabuntis, hindi acceptable pero walang may gustong ma-rape!

May mas challenging at nakakainis sa lahat, 42 years old, gave labor to her 13^th child, kasabay ang anak niyang naglalabor din for her 1^st child, means apo na niya yon. Ngayon, kaya  mo bang intindihin ang mga taong tulad nila? Then the person na haharap sa’yo is yong tatay na parang wala lang, they don’t even think of ano ang ipapakain nila sa anak nila. They are just one of those kind of people na na-eencounter ko every day sa buhay ko, this gave me the reason to aim more, dream hard para one day, I know I can’t change the world, I can’t change everything but at least I could share something that is worth to live in this world.

pangyayaring asahan natin minsan

Ngayon lang ako mabubuhay ulit sa blogsphere. Dahil sa pagod ko kahapon, galing klase at nagpizza parteh kami, sinulit ko ang buong araw makapagpahinga total bukas wala naman pasok dahil holiday. Gumigising lang ako para kumain at tulog ulit. Baboy!! Hahaha ano naman talagang bumawi ako ng tulog at pahinga kasi matagalan na naman magkaron ng long weekend, sabay madami pang gagawing assignments ngayon. Bukas sisimulan ko ng isa-isahin ang naiwan na trabaho para hindi ako magmamadali sa Tuesday.

Malapit na rin ang midterms and I need to prepare more this time para hindi ma-disappoint pag dating ng result sa exam. haha it’s already a great opportunity na sa akin to go to school again kasi may experience na ako at applicable lahat, vice versa kung baga kasi after school I could apply it right away sa trabaho what I have learned. though honestly now, I have confusion already, madaming nagbago, madami akong nakitang mali at inisa-isa ko para I could cope uo the with situations, I know I need to seek professional help para maintindihan ko rin ang mga nangyayari sa akin. Hindi naman ako mentally ill or may problema sa pagiisip only that there will be a time sa buhay natin na nagugulohan tayo at normal lang yon.

I always have this positive view in life now compared noon, I know I can handle what bothers sa utak ko, sa mga situation na nangyayari, nagugulohan ako kasi the way I worked noon is too far different now, if I feel the contentment sa work ko noon in handling the clients who have problems in life, ngayon atrasado na ako kasi sa dami ng nalearn ko sa school I am afraid to be the same person noon which in school taught me what are the proper ways of dealing or handling clients.

And moments like this, ito ang surely I miss with my mom because wala akong mapagtanongan kung bakit at she could never guide me what to do, sariling sikap na ako ngayon, pilitin intindihan ang mga bagay na minsan wala ka rin namang sagot sa mga tanong mo, minsan kailangan mo rin magpretend na kaya mo para hindi ka malunod sabay sa mga problema at mga pagdududa at the last na nalearn ko sa buhay, kailangan mong isipin na lahat kaya mo kahit sa simula pa lang may takot ka ng gawin ang mga bagay na minsan hindi mo maisip na kaya mong gawin!! 

Kung kaya lang basahin ng tao ang lahat ng libro

I decided to change my new header. From emote2x churbabels to something I can relate to. Books? Ngee! Honestly I don’t read books, yong mga nobelang wala akong maintindihan, hindi ako love ng libro at hindi ko rin love ang libro!! Fair enough!! Hahaha even if I don’t read books, I am attracted to books, I do not know why, every time I search for a wallpaper for my desktop I always look into books, modern or an old one.

If I am going to assess myself (naging psychiatrist na ako ngayon! Haha) siguro books because there are a lot of stories behind my personality, like I have been telling lately that I am not a talky type of person noon, I seldom throw jokes or maybe I am not a humorous person pero a lot of people didn’t know that my mind so wide grin! Lels!! OO! At hindi bagay sa akin ang magjoke sa totoo lang!! hahaha kasi I always look so serious and matured whenever I talked pero magkasubokan nalang tayo! Hahaha hinahamon ko na sarili ko ngayon!! Hahaha

I chose that old books on the shelf kasi parang isang magnet talaga ang picture na yan sakin, maybe because behind that book there’s a lot of things to learn kagaya rin ng buhay ko, I have been into a lot of trials sa buhay ko, feeling ko nga ngayon ko lang nakita ang sarili ko, ngayon ko lang nabuksan ang libro ng buhay ko through this blog. Dumaan na nga ako sa depression na ngayon ko lang din naintindihan through my social work class, ichichika ko nalang sa inyo sa susunod kong entry what really happened sa depression kong iyon!! Hahaha mga chismoso at chismosa na kayo niyan!! LELS!!

Sa next na entry ko na ang chismis!! Kahit malapit na ako sa calendar kaya ko pa rin ang mambitin sa kahit anong pakiramdam pa man yan!! hahaha

i understand yet i'm confused

If I wasn’t able to take up the course of social work now, probably hindi ganito kabangag ang utak ko ngayon!! I have been so confused in my career and life now after studying the theories. Nauna kasi ang field practice ko bago ko nalaman ang theories, meaning nakapagtrabaho ako sa social welfare office before I decided to take up social work course. But one of the biggest reason why I took up the course because I wanted to follow my mom’s legacy and on the other side as I have mentioned in the previous post I had, there are personal and professional issues I wanted to finish.

If I was too assertive noon sa work ko, ngayon parang I got bored already. Kung noon kaya ko makipagusap sa tao kahit higit sampu sa isang araw and puro problema ang pinaguusapan niyo ngayon parang ewan hindi ko alam I am really confused yon talaga ang nafefeel ko!! I took a break already, walang trabaho and walang school lessons kasi nagkasakit ako pero when I got back to the world I used to have, ganon at ganon pa rin ang feeling ko. (kailangan ko na atang magpacounseling nito lol)

Knowing the deeper thought of social work, I have realized that it is not just a matter of helping people but a better understanding in every situation that we have in our life. Hindi naman ako pagod sa work ko, ito ang passion ko at I know ito ang gusto ko pero there’s something behind this, hindi ko lang siguro na-eexpress kung ano or hindi ko lang talaga alam kung ano nga ba talaga, noon I found my contentment in life ngayon hindi ko na nararamdaman yon, even satisfaction in work, wala na rin ako, I felt like I already grew up and I still want more of what I am doing now.

Isumpa ko na kaya ang social work na course ano?! Hahaha punyets talaga!! Lumubo utak ko ng malaman ko ang mga katotohanan sa paligid natin!! I understand yet I am confused, pano ko ijujustify yan? =(

The very first morning of SENDONG

7:00 am – I woke up and prepare myself to go to school for a party for the children of Cala-cala, macasandig (totally wash out area) and Singapore, balulang. My mind was already set that we will have a party that Saturday morning.

I wasn’t able to sleep well that night because walang kuryente.

Around 8:00 am – I am on my way to school, as I pass along the Capistrano st. I have seen people walking na puro putik, ang iba naman nakaupo sa corner ng daan, magkasama ang buong pamilya. A part of the street going down (isla delta) makikita mo yong putik na hanggang tuhod, so I said to myself that moment na normal lang yon since lagi ko naman naririnig na nagkakaron ng baha in the area.

Pagkadating ko sa school mga 8:30 na ata yon, nakiramdam ako at lahat ng tao wala kang Makita na nakasmile, lahat parang nagpapanic. So I went to our department at ayon doon ko nalaman na may masamang nangyari sa city.

Mga 1 am pala non – I received a text from a classmate ang sabi niya “grabeh yong baha sa bridge” dahil hindi ako comfortable that night kasi nga walang kuryente, I just ignore his text.

Busy lahat ng tao sa school, syempre yong party definitely wala na dahil nga na-wash out yong area, ang party sana naming that morning eh yong mga bata na nakatira sa cala-cala. Dahil nasa social work program ako (I am studying social work currently) nagging busy kami with the immediate needs of the victims.

Mga 10:00 in the morning na siguro yon when I and my friends/classmates decided to look for a food kasi wala pa kaming kain (nag-expect kasi kami sa party), lahat tindahan around the school premises WALANG RICE, even Jollibee at that time near our school SARADO. Ikot kami ng ikot, nagtanong kami sa mga tindahan bakit naubosan ng rice, sabi nila most of the people ONLY BUY RICE at that time. I felt the scarcity of food and water din that morning at lahat ng tindahan laging may nakapila, unusual yong ganon sa ordinary days lang.

Mafefeel mo talaga yong gutom ng mga tao, uhaw sa tubig at yong grief nila over to their loved ones na nawala at missing pa yong iba. Yong oras parang ang bilis-bilis at that time, lahat naghahanap saan na yong mga kapamilya nila, kamag-anak, sa piling daan may Makita kang patay na tinakpan lang ng kumot nag-aantay ng kamag-anak para kunin. It was the worst, sad morning I felt in my whole life.

i don't own this pic. i just got this from google.

I don’t know how to react, how I can help the victims, how can I comfort them either. In the afternoon, ng magbukas na ang Jollibee, we hurried and charged our cellphones for communication. Kahit Jollibee naubusan din ng pagkain, basta ang natandaan ko lang na natira sa kanila that time is yong spaghetti at kahit water ubos na ren.

Late in the afternoon, almost mag-gabi na we went to west city central to delivered food for the victims (yong luto na talaga ready to eat na) and after sumama kami sa cosmopolitan funeral homes kasi yong kasama namin (isang madre) may dinalaw sa funeral home at doon nakita ko ang mga pamilya na naka-abang dahil nawawala yong kamag-anak nila at nagbabakasakali na Makita man lang nila yong bangkay.

It was a long day for me. Actually in between madami pa akong hindi naikwento, isusunod ko nalang. The whole night, hindi ako nakatulog. Sa totoo lang, I was really bothered kahit sino naman siguro. Wala man akong kamag-anak na nagging victim sa sendong pero as a citizen, I couldn’t imagine how they survived that catastrophe. Paulit-ulit nasa utak ko “what if sa akin or sa amin nangyari yon” ano kaya ang gagawin ko, mabubuhay pa kaya ako? (sad)

That old man moved me

old Archive: This the moment i never forget in my life, the moment wherein i was moved by a stranger.

As what I have said in my previous post that my life’s experience is not that much but not that less. Each of us has its story to tell. Living day to day, we encountered walks of life, different situations, and different problems. I won’t say that I am matured enough in some facet of our life because some part of me I still wish I am a kid. A kid who can just play around and by not thinking of what life can bring ahead of us, what future lies within. Let’s face reality anyway! We are not getting any younger and we are looking forward for the future we want it to happen, life is not easy and we have to live by it. Here’s a personal experience from one of the client I interviewed months ago that helped me in some way to reflect.

An old man came to the office and presents the list of medicines for his wife. His wife is at the hospital, he is seeking for assistance from any agency of the government where he may able to get a few for his sick wife. I asked him how many children he has and he answered me he got only one but a disabled and was diagnosed with schizophrenia (A several psychotic disorders characterized by distortions of reality and disturbances of thought and language and withdrawal from social contact). He said he left his daughter in the neighborhood to look after since he is in the hospital busy attending his sick wife. Their family is unable to sustain the need due to family’s scant resources. Unstable income from Farming can barely make both ends meet. They cannot reap even a little help from closer relatives who are also living in hardships under the sun. Unfortunately, their town (their town is almost 2 hours from the hospital) was hit by a typhoon. He felt anxious and I wasn’t able to speak for a while, a tear fall from his eyes and said “where do I go now?” “What am I going to do?” I took a deep breathe and I thanked God I was able to answer his two questions; I was able to find a solutions where he can get the medicines and other needs for his wife. I thought that was the end, when he is about to leave the office and asked me “[mam, ikaw ba naa sa akong situation unsa akong unahon, ang akong asawa naa sa hospital or akong anak nga buang naa sa among munisipyo]” “(mam, if you were in my situation, what will I attend first, my sick wife or my disabled daughter?)” BOOM! I paused and I took a deep breathe, I was looking at him without saying any word, that moment what I had in mind is that “what if I am in his shoes, what am I going to do?” – it took a while I wasn’t able to speak up that he comes to understand that I have no answer for his question, I smiled at him, I stood up and tap his shoulder but deep inside me I feel fret. I was struck with his question. Then he finally left with “sige mam, salamat.” As he closes the door, I said to my officemates “hala!” and I think that point in time that’s the least thing I can say. 

Christmas without you

Today is the last day of August and tomorrow will be the start of “BER” September, October, November and December. This means that Christmas is almost again to happen. Personally, there would be a lot of changes this year. We will celebrate Christmas without my mom.

Sometimes I don’t want to mention about my mom because it always reminds me of what life we have been, what pain we went through, I always remember how much she suffered from pain because of the people wants to see her in despair. I could always think of revenge but what will be the benefit I will have if I take an action soon, what I could get, it’s nothing!  

I am trying to reconstruct my life now; I am starting all over again. I am trying to move on and forget what we have been. Christmas won’t be the same without mom, I am sure of that. Gonna miss her chocolate cake, humba, chicken binacol, sapin-sapin, ube jam, suman, etc. all I wish that someday whatever pain I have now will be healed soon.

I am facing now the greatest challenge in my life, to prove and stand in behalf of my mom, I know I will never be like her but one thing I know, I can do something more. There are still unfinished issues in my life and I want to start it now without any hesitations. This time I am willing to face whatever failures will come my way, I guess I am now ready to face another chapter of my life with bravery.  Like what I always told myself, “I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again!” it will never be a perfect journey but at least now I am trying to give more what I have given in the past.